if people were diaries

i’d written an entry earlier, then left and came back to delete it. I hope I did so before anyone read it, as it was quite ____.  😐

so now a proper one. I don’t think I shall be able to sleep tonight, so i’m going to go to the video store, hoping it will be open despite the fact that it’s past Witch’s hour. if it’s not (open), and I expect it to be not, daydream recently bought the Animatrix dvd, which i’ll watch instead of some hired one. I just want to go for a walk in the pitch, really. I may also get drunk/high, unless the strong me wins.

I think this was the slowest day ever. I walked the dogs to the beach again, and Lilah is still scared of it, and won’t walk on it without dragging me back up all the way. since she rips my hands apart and my arms out of their wimpy little sockets every time I walk her, I invented a dog-walking belt which is attached to her lead, and! it makes walking her so much easier. now being yanked all over the place is amusing, rather than painful. I am quite ingenious.

speaking of nine inch nails, my favourite song is Hurt. not because it’s so miserable, though.. you know, I feel I can’t talk about anyone here. because it feels kind of deceitful, even if I don’t mean it that way. like I have something to say, but say it here rather than to them..
although, there are a lot of things i’d say to people if they were diaries.

queen of needless snubs

allergies again today! mumm had them too. they’ve abated slightly now, but my nose is stuffed. lol. I love that saying. stuffed nose.

I nearly bought Buddha a funny little soft cat-sized sleeping house for $50. he would love it because he loves sleeping in cat-sized boxes and bags and things. but I remembered I am saving my money, and it worked! I resisted! yay me. I am thinking of going on a holiday abroad for as long as I can afford it. where would I go? somewhere previously ungone. India or Thailand. although i think of doing things constantly yet never do them. oh, I did buy The Sneetches for $7. it’s my favourite, i’d marry Dr Suess, and Chuck Jones. and Ed, gosh, he is so adorable. I fall for fictional characters all the time.

oh! at my exam the other day I saw the boy I had a crush on ..last year, I think. since I changed to psychology i’m not in any of his classes anymore, so hadn’t seen him for a long time. and gosh, I don’t know what I saw, but it was wrong. he said hi and I pretended not to hear him. I am the queen of needless snubs.

finished the portfolio, and sent it.. it’s (no longer at) at /portfolio. I don’t intend it to become part of my site, as it’s almost the same as the business one, and is quite boring and boastful. I barely bothered with the design.. the photo was my entry for the dreamy photochallenge, but that one was a bit darker and you couldn’t see her face as well.


well! today was nothing, because i’ve nothing to do. I decided to take a picture for photochallenge and thought i’d take a picture of something distorting through a waterglass, but that seemed boring. then I thought i’d take a picture of one of the goldfish in a waterglass, but after I did that, it seemed boring too. so then Buddha came along to see what I was doing, and tried to eat the goldfish in the glass, and that didn’t seem so boring.

then I went and bought the newspaper to apply for jobs, but couldn’t find any I liked. so I lowered my lofty standards and applied for two. but for one I need a portfolio, which I am not finished constructing, but my eyes are too tired to look at the screen anymore so i’ll finish it tomorrow.

oh my gosh. I really want a job. I can’t imagine having every day full of nothing like this for a whole month. imagine how dull my fabulous daily blog would be?

and mumm drank. when she got home she gave me a hug, and I could tell. so I said “you drank.”
I was quite disappointed.
she pulled away and said “yeah, are you disappointed?”
I said “no.”
I really, really hope she doesn’t again. i’d be very sad.

the spellchecker with this script doesn’t work.


what a funny day! I actually slept 6hours and woke up at about 8, and everyone was gone! which is great. I love everyone gone.

I finished the tritonpalace design, which was a big hurrah, as it was such a tedious one. although he’ll probably email me saying “this isn’t what I wanted at all, do it over!” so. after I did that I had no more work, so started repainting the coffeetable, as the last designs are all faded. I did some lovelee swurls and tentacles, yumm. swurls and tentacles are my favourite.

isn’t this the most exciting thing you’ve ever read?

I took the dogs for the biggest long walk to the beach and all the way along, and stayed there for ages. then, on the way home, I cut through the park, and there were three girls lying in the middle of it, watching Entertainment Tonight on a big TV in the middle of the grass! that was very strange.

started reading In Favour of the Sensitive Man, which is just darling. I hardly ever read non-fiction/non-poetry. all my father reads is biographies. i’ve never read any Nancy Drew stories, I should find one. I love little girl books. but i’ll also think of some more non-fiction things to read. essays, and feminist theory. nothing psychology related! i’m on holidays!

if I had a husband in the war i’d send him lots of pornography every week.
not really sure where that thought came from. maybe the tentacles.


I think today was the best day ever, this year. I hadn’t slept, although i’d tried, and instead read heaps of books and did lots of work (but not the work I should really have been doing). so today was the last day with the nannas! I went to orchid plaza with them while mumm, the third generation, did the grocery shopping and had 2 coffees and a smoothie with Bronwyn, who is going to jail soon for fraud. so I went for coffee with the nannas, of course, and! they made me laugh so much! with the funniest stories and things. I wrote them all down so I can laugh four evers.

then we walked to the casino, and everyone must have thought us gamble addicts because it was only 10am, and I was drinking alcohol. gambling addiction runs very very strongly in my family, both the nannas have it and so does Trina and other aunts and cousins. except I don’t have it at all, I got rather bored, so I left and wandered around the city taking pictures and wasting money and going to the library. I got too many books out and had to carry them all over the place, which gave me a headache for the rest of the day, so I laydown for a long time.

Trina and Rog went out for dinner, on the nannas’ last night! so they and Ronnie came over to our place for dinner. when they left they cried and mumm cried and everyone cried. well I didn’t cry. and daydream and Roger didn’t cry, but they’re boys and aren’t allowed to. haha. stupid boys.

and I was hungry today.

failure to study

ah! I fell behind and now can barely remember what happened today. which is actually yesterday. I had my stats exam.

i’d meant to wake up early and study, but instead I woke up early and didn’t move for about four hours. I thought, i’ll go to uni early and study in the library before the exam. so I went to uni early, but ready Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams (I think that’s what it was called, I may have gotten some words wrong) instead. then I was late to the exam, and the second I saw it I knew I should have studied. but I could have passed! i’ll be surprised if I fail.

everyone picked me up, asking “how’d it go?”
I said “mmm, um, I think, yeah. it went pretty crap.”
so we went for coffee, ’cause that’s what we’ve been doing every single day. ‘cept I don’t drink coffee.

on the way home we stopped and bought an electric beater, for future cheesecakes. nanna Trish told me to make heaps and “get your figure back.” figure! what an odd word. I remember, oh it’s very embarrassing. in second grade we had to learn the meanings of 7 words a week, and at the end of the week use them all in a sentence. once one of the words was figure, and everyone learnt that it was a number, and used it in sentences like “I draw the figure 8 all day long.” but when Mr O’laughlen called on me to use it in a sentence, I said, “my mother has a nice figure.” because i’d asked her what it meant and that’s what she told me! everyone laughed, and I will kill them all one day. D:


it’s tuesday, tuesday. i’m a day a head this week.
I went to bed only early this morning, so slept most of today, and before that had been working on various uninteresting things. I did make a fish picture, but I don’t know why? why make pictures that have no purpose? I spent all that time on it and now will put it somewhere and probably look at it in five years, or something.

but I went cheesecake ingredient shopping, having pried recipes out of everyone and mixing them together into a super-recipe. and you should’ve seen the look on nanna Cutt’s face when she spotted a 43cent lemon jelly amongst all the 80cent ones! that made her day.

and it turned out fine, despite my lack of electric mixer. except I think when you make something yourself, all you can taste is the ingredients, rather than the whole thing. that isn’t just an excuse for not cooking, either, because I do like to.

I also realised that a ring i’d bought is almost exactly the same as another I have, except with a purple stone instead of a red one. I must especially like it if I bought it twice.

the luscious supernannas

I skip over far too much, when I think about it. i’d like to have the time & the mind to not skip over anything.

so I slept 8 whole hours! yes. yes. and I think as a direct result was in a nice mood up until at least lunch. I went to Earlville with mumm & the nannas, we went to a coffee shop &:
after I ordered (for everyone! I am a big girle & the leader of the pack, because I am the young & brash one), the counter lady said “so you ladies are all together?” (I thought: I am a ladie! =^_^= )
nanna Trish said “yes, all together. in fact, we’re mother (indicating nanna Cutts), mother (indicating herself), mother (indicating mumm), & daughter (indicating me)! four generations!”
“wow!” humoured the counter lady. “that’s great! I should take your photo & put it in the coffee shop magazine!”
so we four generations posed around cups of coffee with big smiles & will soon be in a small coffee shop’s small magazine that customers glance through while drinking cups of coffee & gossiping.

then on the way home they were all bickering & being hilarious, so that they make me think someone should make a bad sitcom about them. and call it “the luscious supernannas.”

nanna Trish is a very frail nanna, if she catches a cold she could die. & she’s been coughing up blood the past few days. now I never think anything very serious, even my own brain tumour, even my frail nanna coughing up blood. but then I think, why, all the people in movies coughing up blood are dying, and die! I would be sad if she died, because she is so lovelie.

that would be a good last name, yes? Jessica Lovelie. but would you pronounce it which way? i’ll add it to the list.


this is portraying me as very different than I think I am! I suppose that’s bound to happen when.. you report nothing but daily inconsequence, & try not to endow with .. thought. & I realised a couple of times i’ve obviously forgotten what I wrote the day before, & semi-repeat myself. well. i’m in between watching High Fidelity but.. drifted away.

& took some pictures, but …       think i’m ugly. lol
it’s a phase. i’ll start lifting weights.

anyway! right. breakfast with the birds. forcing myself to eat doesn’t work. it’s disgusting. it makes me sick. it’s like forcing yourself to eat poison, it feels wrong & deathly.

The Birds

The Birds

& my nanna said the first sign of being a vampire is being cold, ’cause I told her I was cold & she wasn’t & I feel cold before anyone else. & Sarah’s behind me having an online fight with her friend & won’t let me read it. mmmm um! oh my god. i’m really fucking down. feel like slicing my skin off, or at least __________________sdgj


reflected skin

hmm! hmm. hmm. it’s starting to get quite cold.

was in a very bad mood for much of today, so read a lot. I hadn’t read anything after The Secret Garden so caught up with about 5 enid blyton boarding school books. the nannas came over & nanna Cutts asked me 5 times why I was wearing a hat & asked if it was because my hair was falling out & said i’d go bald. it got quite annoying after a while. she is quite annoying. cute, but wearing, trying, crying. she puts nanna Trish down all the time & tells me over & over what’s wrong with me & how I should change amillion things about myself. but she’s 90. she’ll be dead soon. haha! that’s not what I meant.

have to get up early tomorrow for breakfast with the birds. *will not complain or say anything about not wanting to go (this doesn’t count)*

what else? nothing else. was rude to an aim boy ’cause I didn’t want to talk, & didn’t realise it ’til I was talked to. what else? nothing else.

no hat today

very sleepy today. I woke up & studied & had to go back to sleep for a while, then when I came home I had to sleep some more. I still feel sleepy ’cause I just woke up. the nannas are here for tea tonight.

had my anthropology exam today, & there was heaps of writing! instead of multiple choices there was short answers, so for 20 questions I had to write a paragraph each, plus two essays. my essays were on anthropological fieldwork and the gift exchange system of the Kula. if I hadn’t studied this morning I probably would have failed, so! lucky!

before the exam I went to the refectory & on the way passed two people I know know well enough to say hi to, but didn’t see them/look at them, so accidentally didn’t respond to their quite polite “hi”s. I do that sort of thing all the time, am so socially klutzy.

afterwards the silly exam lady said “everyone please stay seated until all the papers have been collected & counted.” so we had to sit there for ten million minutes ’cause she was so slow & in that time my bus went without me.

while we were waiting the boy behind me, who calls me Jessie, which is really really cute, but I don’t know his name, said “no hat today?”
& I said “no, they don’t let you wear them in exams.”
& he said “why not?!”
& I said “’cause they’re scared we might stuff piles of cheaty notes under there.”
& then I said “I didn’t realise I wore a hat so often until people started commenting when I wasn’t wearing one!”
& he said “yeah, i’d started to think it was a hair problem!”



I should try to remember that this isn’t a thought journal, it’s a day one. thoughts should go into thought journals.

i’m trying to think what I did today, but… I didn’t do anything.
I went to the library & photocopied stuff, except these two boys in collusion were photocopying an entire semester’s worth of lectures & I had to wait half an hour ’cause I wanted to photocopy a reserve book which you can’t take out of the reserve room to photocopy somewhere else. I photocopied sexuality & deviance to study for my tomorrow exam, only it’s 11pm & I haven’t studied yet, & this is the one i’m worried about. I could fail & have to do it again, as if once wasn’t entirely hell. i’d rather do stats again!

I looked up the forms for changing my name, and have filled them out. I just need to get a justice of the peace to sign one, & I think the Trinity Beach gym owner is one. what should I change my name to? something absurd. but my family says they’ll still call me .. my name. I don’t associate my self with my name. it doesn’t seem me. it just seems a jumble of letters.

then I looked up how to become a Justice of the Peace, & you have to pass an exam, but it looks easy peasy. so maybe i’ll do that, & then I can do law-type things. I should get my driver’s license first. I have enough to buy a car.. sigh.

every paragraph begins with I.


I don’t understand the whole

hi! how are you?
i’m good! how are you?
i’m good!
that’s good!

thing. it makes me feel stupid and trivial. it makes me feel an empty and uncaring outsider. I dont ask people how they are to participate in some hackneyed social ritual.

today I had my first exam, and while a lot of questions I wasn’t prepared for, i’m reasonably sure I did well. 60 multiple choice and 4 short essay questions. you could choose 4 out of 10 for the essays, & I chose “design an experiment testing st john’s wort,” “how can intelligence testing be both positive and negative,” “give a biological reason and a social reason for aggression” and “describe the pros & cons of labelling in abnormal psychology.”

I would have done much better had I not been afflicted with bad allergies all day. I haven’t had them for a few weeks, but I knew I would today, because I had an exam. it never fails. exam day = allergies.

my Nannas arrived here from the Gold Coast today! I couldn’t go to lunch with them ’cause of the exam so went to visit them afterwards. they gave me a black vinyl shoulder bag, a purple wallet, a powder blue sparkly head scarf, some pink thongs, earrings & nailpolish, lipstick & eyeshadow all of the same purple. all voodoo dolls, of course, even though it’s been sold.

Sarah gets her braces off tomorrow! I will lick her teeth in jealousy.