been studying like madlie

i’ve memorised so much psychology info i’m scared to think of anything else lest it all be washed away by inconsequence; my brain feels delicate & teetering on complete wipe-out. I think I have about 10 pages of info in it that I didn’t have yesterday. it feels quite good! the latest chunk i’ve repeated until it’s engraved, at least until tomorrow afternoon:

the brain consists of
the hindbrain – medulla oblongata, cerebellum (intricate movement), pons (regulates breath & air).
the midbrain – processes eye & ear info.
the forebrain – the thalumus (waystation for all sensory info), the hypothalamus (hunger/thirst, tired/wakefulness, temperature/comfort), the limbic system (hippocampus, septal nuclei, amygdala) and the cerebellum.
the cerebellum is split by fissures (sulci) and ridges (gyri) into four lobes:
occipital lobe – primary visual cortex
temporal lobe – primary auditory cortex
frontal lobe – primary motor cortex
parietal lobe – primary somatosensory cortex

see, I typed all that out from memory, and could go for simply miles, and will, but not here ’cause there’s far too much. the more I rehearse it the better i’ll know it. I went to the library twice today & stayed until closing, walking through the empty pitch black campus I thought about the story my mumm’s writing (based on me!) about a girl who murders people on the empty pitch black campus & got quite scared, so started to run. bad idea! after one step I nearly tipped right over, my legs felt so floppy and weak.

but can’t think about that.. must think about psychology.  -_-

Big Brother

yay! yay! Jo got evicted! oo she was so detestable. and such an obvious manipulator! that’s why 86% of people voted her out. how stupid, & I just don’t understand why everyone says “she’s beautiful AND intelligent” ..because she’s thin, blonde & a lawyer? intelligence isn’t a requisite. & no one so blatant could be intelligent. I feel sorry for her boyfriend. unless he falls for her “oh I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, & emotions are magnified in the house” crapp. then he’s stupid too. and they’re selling her bikini. I don’t know why I watch it. yes I do. I like Daniel & Jamie & Reggie. just not everyone else, especially the people profiting.

if you’re wondering what i’m obsessively ranting about: Big Brother.

I did most of Sarah’s painting today. i’d never have painted such a painting myself, but I like it. I took a photo for my daily & will upload it after this, & tomorrow will take one of it finished. Sarah’s done a lot, too.. she drew the man & cat outlines, & painted all those heaps of words.

&! I had 3hree meals today & didn’t puke once. happy meal toys this week are muppets with bendy limbs, & i’ve vowed to collect them all. except Ronnie stole my Gonzo, that brat. well, I gave it to her, & then wished I hadn’t. that counts as stealing.

will study all day tomorrow! promise!

better by Monday

I kept waking up this morning. i’d look over at the clock, think “why get up?” & go back to sleep, until about 11am. I dreamt ..well. can’t tell what I dreamt. except for the part where I had long hair again. that was nice. & my teeth fell out, which wasn’t so nice.

Sarah was going into town to look for a formal dress so I got a lift with them because I felt like going out. I went to the esplanade & had a sandwich there, & bought a pipe & two Francesca Lia Block books (that i’ve already read, again). & I bought Riot Act because I downloaded far more than one mp3 (i’ve a rule that if I download more than one I buy the whole thing. but I hope everyone downloads & nobody buys so that no one makes music any more except those that do it even if nobody buys it).

while I was in Shanti Shanti I was looking at some stuff & heard someone loudly say, “the problem is that students have too much money to spend these days,” which I ignored for a few seconds, & then looked up. & it was my sociology tutor! he likes me ’cause I was always opinionated in his class when it was full of shy first-years. I said, “what’s a nice man like you doing in a place like this” (cause it’s a feral shop full of hippy drug stuff) (it’s where I bought the pipe(s)) & he said “you’re a cheeky one.” he’s pretty old & is bald & used to be a general or something. he was there with his granddaughter who was older than me.

then I wandered around for a while & took pictures & caught the bus home. & Sterling caught the same bus as me, he’s in one of my classes & reminds me of Monk from #Witchcraft. he’s exactly what I imagine Monk to be like in person, except I know he has a beard, & Sterling doesn’t have a beard. but he’s very adorable & looks about 15 even though he’s older than me. there are lots of interesting people at uni.

i’m starting to look like ..something yuck & sick. i’ve lost heaps of weight & am yellow pale. I get tired quickly, but I feel a lot better today. i’ll be better by Monday. shh, shh, it’s okay. be better by Monday.

stressors

the other day when I mentioned the Nannas, I meant my nanna Trish & nanna Cutts. nanna Trish is my mumm’s mumm & nanna Cutts is nanna Trish’s mumm. they’re coming up here next week to visit, right during mine & Sarah’s exam week. last time I saw them was right after I got back home last year, because they were up for mumm & daydream’s wedding.

I went to the uni today & they gave me some forms to defer my exams. only now i’m worried i’ve left it too late & will take it in & they’ll deny it but I won’t find out till after i’ve missed all the exams! so I got the prescription today, but an hour after I took the first pill my dizzy came back worse than ever. rrrrr. it faded again after a while, so i’m about to take my second & if it comes back again i’m not taking any more.

then I was all alone all day. I cleaned up & did washing & swept. I put up some icklie pairs of shoes on ebay. now i’m formatting excel invoices which is taking ages, ’cause I have to do it for every single account. yucks. i’ve been putting it off for ages & am only a quarter way through & already giving up! not giving up.. going to continue… now. (yucks.)

sites

thursday is grocery shopping day.

today I had an appointment with the citylife guy to talk about the design, & it’s completely changed again! i’m on the fifth one! & i’ve really liked a couple so i’ll just use them for something else. he goes “so how much are you making with webhosting.. 60-100 grand?” & I was all “umm.. I haven’t counted.” 60-100grand?! what world is he on?

now i’m doing the tritonpalace site as well, plus he has some friend who wants some templates for tourists to put up silly websites for their parents at home. it’s fun. I just have too much to do. oh, tritonpalace is this huge big multimilliondollar beachfront resort he works for that is being built, it’s where Trina works too. each apartment is like $1million except it won’t be finished till 2006 or something (& already half of them are sold).

tomorrow i’m going to go into uni & see if it isn’t too late to defer my exams. if it isn’t then I definitely will. the injection stopped working today, & I was supposed to start taking some pills but forgot the prescription twice. oh! &! today I went to an opshop & found an ankle length black skirt! it isn’t really coarse & heavy either, it’s lovelie. I haven’t tried it on yet, I just bought it in 1second.

i’m reading The Secret Garden. I first read it when I was 14 and two people gave it to me on the same Christmas.

last night I was feeling very very sick & puked 20million times so didn’t take all my collection of daily pills, which I usually do right before going to sleep, so I did this morning & gosh! they made me so sleepy all day! i’d never noticed that before ’cause I always went right to sleep afterwards. i’m never taking them in the morning again.

doctor

I was so sure today was Tuesday, all day. mum woke me up & said “you’ve a doctor’s appointment in an hour,” & I thought “I thought it was on Wednesday? ohwell.” & then at lunch time I found out it was Wednesday, which means I have heaps less time to study than I thought. but then I realised the 17th is on Tuesday, ’cause that’s when the Nannas get here, & i’d thought before it was a Monday. so it works out that I have exactly the time I thought. if that makes sense.

I had to wait another 15million centuries at the doctors, but at least I saw one of the girl ones. the girl ones are so much better, & she was so much better. she gave me an injection (in the butt! & it hurt, despite my frantic toe wiggling!) that made me almost completely better. & she gave me a certificate so I can defer my exams, but I don’t know if I will.

i’ve had an idea for a painting for weeks, & I started it today. I had to look up what a human heart looks like. i’ve only sketched it yet.

Trina rang & is picking me up at 8am to take me to her work to talk to her boss about the design. he thinks I don’t really exist because I won’t talk to him on the phone. &! it’s so frustrating. he won’t tell me what he wants, & she says it’s cause he doesn’t know, but so far it’s a planet with a star on Cairns & a shooting tail turning into the logo. that’s almost the exact words he used to describe what he wanted, & how hard is that to actually turn into something? lucky i’m a geniuslie.  :/

I seem to end these entries so abruptly.

my head is clockwise

didn’t go to uni today.

the other day I was sweeping the laundry out the door, & Buddha got out, & of course Lila started chasing & trying to eat him. so I went to save him but when I was holding onto her collar, Lila yanked really hard & her collar bent my fingernail all the way back! I sat & looked at it ’cause it just stayed there, folded back. I was bleeding & stuff, & the skin under it went purple later. then, today, I walked both dogs to the post office. I had Lila on a leash but I never have Chloe on one ’cause she’s so good. as soon as I stepped out the door Lila yanked really hard again & another fingernail on the same hand got caught on the leash & ripped right off, & she ran away. now that one’s bruised too! it broke though, it didn’t bend.

I have quite a bad headache; it started this afternoon. my dizzy has been worse than usual. I realised it always spins clockwise. i’m going to bed.

Port Douglas

I didn’t go to bed ’til 4:30 this morning & wasn’t planning to wake up for hours&hours. but I woke up at 7 feeling very funny & sick, so I went & got my puke bucket (walking into a wall & a dining table on the way) & put it next to my bed just in case. then I sort of went back to sleep, but then woke up at 8 again to puke. & then got up to brush my teeth, & then of course couldn’t go back to sleep.

it was the queen’s birthday holiday today, & what do you do on a public holiday in this city? go to Port Douglas! well, I do. except I didn’t buy anything this time, I just wanted the ride there. I don’t know. i’m still feeling funny. daydream asked me if I was wearing lipstick to make my lips look pale. Port Douglas has a long road to get in there, & all along it there are hugely magestic palm trees like a metre apart. the guy, can’t remember his name, who put them there had them planted fully grown, & it cost millions. he “put Port Douglas on the map” everyone says.

I got an overdue notification from the uni library today for A Young Girl’s Diary, so i’ll go there tomorrow to take it back, & photocopy stuff I need to study. & hopefully start studying! but i’ve been working lots on my business site. I reorganised the whole support section, because it was a little out of date, but updating it just made it too huge & confusing. but now it’s huge & good.  :3

dreaming about hugs

when I woke up today my head was almost completely better. I could tilt it practically all over the place & it felt just fine & stable. sometime after lunch, though, which was at 4pm, since I didn’t get up ’til 11, since i’ve been staying up so late, it got quite bad again. I weave all over the place when I try to walk in a straight line. mumm made me another appointment without my knowledge, however now I am glad she did. I expected it to be gone ages ago, and my exams are far too quickly approaching. only a week to go. & I can’t study! looking down, ie: at books on a desk, is simply the worst. I am so nervous about my exams. I wish they were over, even if I only got Ps for them all.

i’ve been dreaming about hugs.

I walked the dogs yesterday for the first time since I got sick, and Lila pulled so much that my arms and shoulders are sore & stiff today. Buddha is sleeping on top of the monitor, and snoring, his legs dangling in front of the screen. he follows me everywhere, so that I can’t sit down without him 5seconds later being in my lap. unless i’m at a desk, when he either sits right in front of the monitor or on top of it, either way impeding my view. lucky I love him so hugely.

my disgusting/pathetic/miserable/quite mad & very-soon-to-be-legally ex-husband left me 4our disgusting/pathetic/miserable/quite mad comments on my livejournal. just days after I enabled anonymous comments on it again! he must have been trying every now & then. he’s terribly obsessed and hateful and insane. I can’t believe I was ever so close to someone who could be so _____. I didn’t answer. I wish he would just go away/die.

Sling Blade

I just watched Sling Blade for the first time since I saw it the first time over a year ago. after watching it the first time I added it to my list, and have since worried that maybe it wasn’t as good as I had thought it was at the time, because I do that sometimes… have lapses of judgement. or maybe my tastes just change. however! if I had just seen it for the first time now, I would be adding it to my list. I am desperately in love with Karl. that You will be happy bookmark just killed me. I burst into tears the second I read it. I need someone to give me one of those. it was just a stupid strip of lined paper with big clear letters. & I want it, fucking want it.

i’ve also, i’m so sorry & ashamed, started watching Big Brother. I watched it one night when absolutely bored, and it was the late-night r-rated one. & it was entertaining! in a bad way, but still. Reggie is simply hilarious & loveable, Saxon is so doofusy & dumb. I like Jamie, too, because he is so odd in his speech and mannerisms. I dislike Vincent because of that two-faced thing where he comforted a crying girl & said he’d go tell off Ben, & then went out & laughed with Ben! I didn’t mind Ben, either, he was far more interesting than many, but he was evicted, of course.

gosh. aren’t I terrible? I can’t believe i’ve fallen for Big Brother, the most disgusting & contrived spectacle in Aussie telly history. 😮

The BFG

i’ve been reading The BFG, by Roald Dahl. it’s like i’ve never read it because I only did once when I was like 12 or something. I love it! here is a passage:

‘Would you teach me how to make an elefant?’ the BFG asked.
‘What do you mean?’ Sophie said.
‘I would dearly love to have an elefunt to ride on,’ the BFG said dreamily. ‘I would so much love to have a jumbly big elefunt and go riding through green forests picking peachy fruits off the trees all day long. This is a sizzling-hot muckfrumping country we is living in. Nothing grows in it except snozzcumbers. I would love to go somewhere else and pick peachy fruits in the early morning from the back of an elefunt.’
Sophie was quite moved by this curious statement.

c-factor

I was looking at the date, which was the 6th, & then at the last entry, which was on the 4th, thinking, I missed a day? I don’t remember missing a day. what’d I do yesterday? & I sat there trying to remember missing a day for about 5 minutes until I realised it was the 6th because it’s 1am, not because I missed a day. phew. but when I post this i’ll change the time so that it comes up as being the 5th, so that I don’t have two entries for the 6th & none for the 5th. i’ve done that before. *sneakie* 😀

today daydream asked if he could merge his design business with mine, because this stupid German business is suing him because his business name is c-factor, & theirs is factor. they’ve already sued him & won, so he had to change his German business name to cator, but he left his Australian business called c-factor, & now they’re suing him for that, even though it’s on the other side of the world. it makes me so mad. so I said of course he can merge. ’cause this suing crapp has already cost him $30,000. so! that will be exciting. it means I will finally register the business, which is good, & have to start paying taxxx, which is ickie.

& today I went hunting for a new skirt. I wanted a new ankle-length plain black skirt. I have a couple but some are quite old & ragged. &? I couldn’t find one. I went into practically every shop in the entire city & none had a plain ankle length black skirt, or any colour, in fact. I would’ve settled for another colour. but nothing! they all were either too short, or had hideous ruffles & frills. a surprising amount had hideous ruffles & frills. I mean, I like ruffles & frills, but yikes! these were huge & quite stupid looking things. & they were everywhere! so. no new skirt for me.

one other thing. for the past week or so, I may’ve even mentioned it before, i’ve been addicted to mint. i’ve been eating all kinds of mint, but especially tic tacs & mentos. I can’t not have a mint in my mouth, it seems. no food. just mint.

gracing

don’t want to keep talking about how sick I am, but gosh! today it was the worst ever, & it had been getting better over the past few days. it could be because I didn’t go to bed last night until 4am this morning. but i’ve been watching and my head spins in both directions, not just one. which means it isn’t an inner ear thing, or if it is, it’s affecting both of them.

I was going to start studying for my exams, which begin on the 15th, I think, but haven’t been able to do anything but lie down, and read, if I don’t move my head while doing it. if I don’t move at all I feel fine. my exams are worrying me. in two weeks I have to sit 4 exams all in the same week. how will I study for them all? 😕

I went to bank a cheque today & while I was there I thought I might as well take all the money out of my American account and put it into my Australian one, because I can’t use eftpos with the American one & I use eftpos all the time. I found out it has a withdrawal limit of $200, so I withdrew $200 3 times until I noticed people waiting behind taking-forever-me so gave up. but it’s so lovelie to wander around with big stacks of $50s. & scary.

right after I put all that & the cheque into my bank account I went into this shop that must have been made just for me. it has heaps & heaps of buddhas & elephants & cats & naked people & other crazy statues & ornamental things. if it weren’t so expensive I would buy everything in it. but finally narrowed it down to a brass dragonfly & a hanging Icarus lady, which were both $40. I got the Icarus lady & she’s now gracing in my bedroom. that sentence probably only makes sense in my mind.

waiting rooms

today I thought I was well enough to go out. realised how wrong I was when I woke up with my face on the floor of valleygirl & the rest of my body 5 miles away. yeah, valleygirl! my sister shops there! but they had a coat in the window, a lovelie, lovelie coat & now it’s mine. except i’ll put it away & probably never see it again. i’m supposed to be keeping my money! I buy so much junk. I bought a soft toy goldfish, too. it came with a children’s book with a typo & the same pictures used over & over in different scenes.

so. I went to the doctor, finally. big fat waste of time. I finished my book in the waiting room, & then started thinking I must have been too engrossed in it to hear them call my name, i’d been waiting so long. but he called my name. & made me stand on one leg with my eyes closed, & touch my nose & touch his finger. & then he said he didn’t know what was wrong with me so it was probably nothing & to come back if it didn’t go away on its own. stupid, stupid!

then! tonight my mother came home & said “oh this morning a package came for you.” this morning! she’d put it by the door & someone had dumped laundry all over it! to think it had been sitting there all day with me walking past it a dozenX80 times. & what do you think it was? birthday stuff from just my favourite person in the world! I devoured it for hours & should write him right now. but will tomorrow because.. because i’ll be better tomorrow. yeah? my period just came. 😐