the server finally came back up, so i’ve been madly restoring things.

had the forensics lecture today, it was televised from Townsville, which is fun. then half of it will be televised from here to there. having a conversation with a person on TV is odd. oh and! they screwed up the schedule for this subject too! so now my tutorial will be from 5-8 on thursdays. I fixed up my timetable, and i’m very unhappy with it !!

i’ve been reading too much, and it has made me dull. reading for hours and hours makes me very dull, and empty.

double half infuriated

server’s still down, i’m half infuriated; good thing I don’t care. ph.

so my stupid experiment lecturer is really stupid. he published the schedule and then only this week realised that one of the tutorial sessions clashed with yesterday’s lecture, a core subject. so had to change everything, and oh yeah, cram the tutorial and practical into one three hour long block. it’s impossible to fit a three hour long block anywhere, let alone after everyone’s already signed up for half their tutorials and can’t rearrange them to fit. what a big fat stupid.

so now I have to go on friday mornings as well. ugh.

but! the good thing is he said stats comprises only a very small part of this course, and we thought it’d be more than half, and ANOVA is the only formula we’ll be using. yay! ’cause the hardest part of stats is figuring out which of the millions of formulae to apply, so without that it will be unhard.

last night I lent Roger my Kodak to take pictures of his car so he can sell it, and showed him how to use it. then today Trina rang me saying, “it’s broken. all he did was charge the batteries and put them back in and now it won’t turn on.”
I said, “whatever” and hung up, or something like that.
then she called back later and said, “we got it working. the camera isn’t broken, the charger is. it didn’t charge the batteries.”
I said, “if it didn’t charge the batteries, how did you get the camera working?”
she said, “well it charged the batteries the second time, the first time the charging light didn’t come on.”
I said, “so the charger isn’t broken, he just didn’t put the batteries in right.”
then she invited them over to our place for dinner so I can show them how to download the pictures. I don’t want to show them, I want to do it myself and send them the pictures, so they can then never borrow my camera again. I find it difficult to be civil to Roger anymore. he has a square little head.

looking happy

i’ve been getting an uncanny amount of orders this month, three just today; I can barely keep up. especially with two of my servers having gone down the past two weeks, one of which is still down, a brand new one!

and uni, of course; I had my first lifespan development lecture today. the lecturer was quite a surprise, a mumbling, overweight, greasy-haired creature wearing a potatosack-shaped-and-coloured smock who looked like someone you might find hired out of sympathy in a plastic cutlery’d diner, or a mental institution, at least; certainly not someone with a PhD and likely 83X the brain capacity of mere me! (I am so judgeMental.)

I know everyone taking this class from stats last semester, was enthusiastically greeted no less than six times. one girl, with whom I have never spoken on the phone even once, exclaimed, “oh, I need your number again! I lost my phone!”
another said she’d seen me walking somewhere in Trinity Beach looking very happy. “how unusual,” I said. looking happy! I love to look happy. I can’t remember looking happy.

an honours student asked us to take a body image survey with little pictures of differently shaped women (1 being anorexic, 10 being elephantine), and we were to tick the one we thought we looked like, and the one we wanted to look like. how very depressing. everyone being best-of-friends, I overheard 27 times, “what’d you put? a 4? no way, you’re at most a 3. I on the other hand, am practically an 8!”

where did I read that someone cut a piece of some girl’s coat lining for use in a collage?

what a busy day!

last night i’d set my alarm so i’d have time to get all my school stuff ready, because i’d kind of forgotten to do so beforehand. but it didn’t go off! mumm woke me up at 8 saying “i’m leaving in 10 minutes.”

I said “yeah right!” and rolled over to go back to sleep. which I realised wouldn’t happen so I jumped up and got ready in 10 minutes.

for Bronwyn’s hearing! we had to wait for a whole hour in the court room for the judge, who was off doing a search warrant or something. then we had to go through 20 adjournments and some lady’s case where she lied on her application for permanent residence, saying she had no children when she in fact had one. so she got the visa, then three years later she sends a letter saying, “oh, I lied, I have a son, and can he come over and live here too, please?” and they said “sure! no problem!” and fined her a measly $350 for lying. but if she hadn’t lied then they’d both still be in Africa, so what’s the moral of the story?

anyway the prosecutor was so mean to Bronwyn. he came over to talk to Julie, her lawyer, and said, “there’s no question she has to serve time, shall we say about 3-6 months?” then in his statement to the judge he said 5-8 months! what a filthy scumbag liar! and he said “the need for a general deterrent should override any personal considerations in this case,” or something to that effect. what a meanie. personal consideration being that she couldn’t have survived otherwise?

so we’re all hanging off the edges of our seats expecting the worst, and the judge says, “I need a report from the so&so corrections board as to whether or not they think you should serve time, come back on the 18th of August with it.” !! well! she’d already prepared to go to the watch-house then and there, so doesn’t have anywhere to live until August 18th and no job or car anymore! I guess she’ll stay with her daughters.

I went straight to uni after that to my first lecture of the semester, which was myth and ritual. i’d say about two thirds the students in that class are American. their accents and nasal twangs grated on my ears the whole time.
yes, all Americans have nasal twangs.
I asked the one next to me why there were so many and he said, “oh we all just came over together,” gesturing to a huge chunk of them.

that was the only class I had, because the first week is just lectures for overviews and signing up for tutorials so there can’t be any tutorials yet because no one has any yet, yaknow? tutorials are the real classes, they’re when you sit around in cosy little groups and discuss the lectures and actually learn stuff rather than letting it drone over your sleepy head.


I have a zit. when I saw it I screamed. that’s not all! I dyed my hair today, and it was the most horrifyingly bad hair dying experience ever. I kind of fell asleep with it on my head, so it ran all over the place. a large portion of my forehead, both ears and neck are a bluish grey-black. I screamed again. luckily wearing a hat that covers most of me every day is not unusual, so no one will ever know.

I went with mumm to have brunch with Bronwyn for the last time (they do every Saturday). she says that if we go visit her in prison she won’t come out to see us, so we’d just better not waste our time. I said “well i’m coming to your court thingie!”
and she said “yeah but that’s just to get your daily thrill and take pictures, not ’cause you’re a compassionate friend!”
I didn’t think she knew me that well! her court thingie’s on Monday. she invited us to her last-night-of-freedom dinner tomorrow night.

then I bought stuff for uni yay! stuff for uni! and I remembered i’ll have to buy textbooks. yuck. textbooks. they’re always like $100 each and two for every subject and then I never use them again. I actually haven’t bought a single one the past two semesters, and have still managed to pass.


okay, so I was a little off when I said uni starts in a week. it starts on Monday, which is two days away! yay! two days! upon realising this today, I sorted out my timetable. they give a lot less choice for tutorials second and third year, which is probably because everyone drops out during their first year. a sobering thought, yes? i’m more determined than ever to finish.

I told my moth-er today I don’t like her when she’s drunk and she cried very hurtly. that night I was unnecessarily cruel to her and when I apologised 5 minutes later she replied “I know you get angry with me sometimes…” ar! it’s very exasperating; I imagine she’s purposely misunderstanding me.

I watched the Little Women movie, and gosh, it was bad. I always like Winona Ryder, but even she was bad. I turned it off halfway through and! Stargate movie was on! so watched that instead.

not sad

tonight I am very subdued, very quiet and polite, slow and depressed. but by depressed I don’t mean sad. when I feel this way all I can do is either lie anywhere, floors and benches are good, and stare, or go for a walk. but around the block or to the milk bar’s no good, it has to be at least a 50 kilometre walk.

if some dearly beloved one’s eyes were burnt out of their skull five seconds away all I could do is watch.

today today today I can look upon with utmost detachment. I went to Smithfield to refill my prescription and bank two cheques. I banked one, but the other was an American one, and there was a line for that counter, so I went to visit mumm at work. just at her lunch break! so I had lunch with her, and since she works in a bank, she banked my American cheque for me without having to pay the $20 conversion fee or wait in a line. it is handy to have friends in high places.

then I went to the theatre at Cairns Central, which was odd, because I usually go to the City one. and who should I run into there but Sarah Joy, who hardly ever goes to the theatre, and when she does, usually goes to the Earlville one. what a very odd and suspicious coincidence.

then I went to the library, and got eight books, only one of which i’ve previously read. I walked all the way home from the library, which took about three hours, so I suppose that’s when my mood started.

then I went to the.. to. to be, to bed, to stare.


I forgot to mention last night that Trina asked me to move in with them when I told her I wanted to move. gosh. i’d rather live here forever than over there for one week. but it is cute the way she pretends we’re best friends. I do like her.

plus, since uni starts again in about a week, i’ve forgotten all about moving or getting a job. yay! Uni in a week! the first two weeks are always the most fun, figuring out your schedule and fighting the crowds to sign up for tutorials. it’s hilarious. I won’t even mind doing stats again, i’ll be so glad to go back. plus i’m doing forensic psychology, and myth and ritual! what fun!

oh, today. hmm. I didn’t do anything today. I did have a vegemite sandwich, which I hadn’t had since I was tiny, and I loved it! I am a superb vegemite spreader. you know, only an Australian-born-and-raised knows the secrets to spreading vegemite. that’s why no one else ever likes it, ’cause they don’t know how to spread it!

thank you

I slept in, and woke up to three messages on my phone. I hardly ever get messages and then I get three. plus dozens of other issues needing solutions had popped up, plus the server move stuff I still hadn’t done. so I was in quite a bad mood because I had too much to do. so of course I didn’t do any of it, but went and read to forget my bad mood, which always works.

Trina asked me to go to an eye appointment with her because 1. the tests would make her vision blurry and she wasn’t supposed to drive, but she didn’t have anyone to drive so she thought at least having someone else in the car would be better than nothing, and 2. Ronnie was sick so couldn’t go to daycare so had to come too which meant I had to look after her while Trina was seeing the doctor.
we were there for three hours, mostly waiting. Ronnie was so good the whole time, laughing and chattering and singing. she had a doll she sang rockabye to, and since she’s newly toilet trained she made me take her to the bathroom five times a second. then! on the way out, she threw the most sudden, explosive and unexpected tantrum ever, and screamed and cried and ran away, for just no reason. it was very strange.

so that was my whole day. it felt like nothing, except when I got home I fixed all those issues and got lots and lots of work done. but then I got hayfever which put me in a bad mood again, and when mumm asked me to post some letters tomorrow I snapped at her rather meanly and threw my own silent tantrum. but then felt bad so apologised, and she said thank you.
people shouldn’t say thank you when they’re apologised to!

o dear

a lot of what is on this site is so cringe-evoking. I think when I read over some 7 year old thing, “gosh, I was so energetic!” but then when I read over something just written I still seem! energetic. it must be all the !s. they’re so deceitful. you can hear them when I speak aloud, too.

I got an email from someone asking why I hadn’t answered a letter sent two weeks ago, and realised how long it’d been since I checked the po box! there was heaps of stuff. and a couple letters for box 183 clifton beach. stupid post office.

the lady from the job I wanted called and said if I wanted it I had it, and I said no, ’cause I would’ve had to quit uni. I wanted it mostly so i’d be occupied.. and sustainful. I don’t like living here. but if I quit psychology now I wouldn’t be able to continue it later, i’d have to start again, ’cause you have to finish within 7 years of starting. and school is always better than.. just some job anyone could get. but! it is hard to find work when you’re 22 with no experience, so I didn’t want the universe to think me ungrateful!

the guy from the job I didn’t really want emailed me asking why I hadn’t called, and I said the same thing, and he said they’d work around it. so now I have to email him again saying no, again! this is why I just ignore people!

the last episode of big brother was on tonight, I watch just enough to learn Regina won. next week it is australian idol, which I don’t think i’ll be watching. although I did like search for a supermodel! (I am an awful person)


I never thought life
I remembered my dream when I woke up.

xentrik has been suffering. i’ve about 80 unanswered emails in my boxx. I wonder if I could sell it. and the business. and unpuppet! who could resist?

spent the day taking pictures of bugs and moping. I redesigned the frontpage. I read some more, and! Beth accidentally starves her canarie to death. that’s the best news I ever had.

oh, Daniel got evicted tonight.

how to disappear completely. what are you doing?


enter Sarah and Jess, home from the theatre. they go to their respective rooms to unload, and Jess is surprised Buddha hasn’t popped out of some nook to give desperate affection. Jess looks unsuccessfully for Buddha in all his known hiding spots. Jess rattles the cat food and still no Buddha.
Jess is now convinced her drunken mother has let Buddha escape into the rainy night. Jess can hear said drunken mother arguing with Chris from their bedroom as she feeds the dogs in a quiet fury.
after feeding the dogs, Jess finds the torch and peers out the front door, hoping for darting Buddha shadows.

*30 seconds*

Jess hears drunken mother screech “what is the cat doing in my room?” followed by a mumble. drunken mother comes charging out of her room dressed in a towel.
Jess turns around with the torch and says “so he was in your room.”
“yes,” says drunken mother.
Jess shuts the front door, and walks past drunken mother to put the torch away.
after a moment, drunken mother screams after her, “are you going to say something, or am I going to stand here and pretend you said something?!”
Jess walks back, saying, “hi mother, how was your night?”
“fine, how was yours?”
“so why did you abuse me when I came out?”
Jess stares at bleary eyed drunken mother for about 15 seconds before walking away.
drunken mother mutters just loud enough, “right, I should be used to this,” and goes back to her room, slamming the door.
Jess calls out, “goodnight.”

didn’t abuse you mumm, you’re just drunk. for the third night in a row.
you can say “oh it’s all right, I didn’t drink that much last night,” but you drank enough to come home swaying and slobbering all over me.
you can say “I think i’m doing pretty well, I just have a drink every now and then,” but you’re in denial. a drunk can’t just have a drink every now and then, and you’re proving it.


the show

didn’t sleep, but watched cartoons in a catatonic stupor for much of the night, and read the rest. I went for a walk, and streetlights always make me feel as though i’m being filmed, or at least watched, so I am sure to catleap every third step.

I read that to be healthy one should take either 700 or 7000 steps per day. I wish I could remember things. one day I will count my every step and base the non-memory on the result.

today I took lots of steps, because I went to! the show. there were so very many people there, the whole world. my feet were stepped on and my ribbs elbowed 459086 times each. but for all the people I didn’t spot anyone trail-worthy.

next year, for three months before show day, I will practise popping balloons with darts and knocking over milk bottles with baseballs and shooting paper ducks. oh, my neighbour told me the other day he has a gun. i’ve been periodically thinking about it ever since. it is so close.

all I ate today was fairy floss, and so much of it my tastebuds have been sugarburnt off. want more.