I am still mad. hurry up, uni, before I carve gruesomely large, brightly coloured, vulva-shaped craters all over my own body.
mumm came in to say something, daydream followed her in to say something to her.. and they started yelling at each other right in my ear! I told them to go and do it somewhere else and then burst into tears
after they’d gone to do it somewhere else. !!!!!!
the only time I stare is right after i’ve cried, then it’s all I can do. beforehand i’ll be jumping all over the place, and some people think i’m really happy, or excited.. so all day i’ve been like this, and then I cry, and then I just feel blank, which dissolves into miserable, which goes maniacally miserable again! yeah, that’s it. there is bad mania, and there is good. good mania can be productive, and you like it, and want it to not stop, ever, and you’ll even live through the BAD just to get back to the GOOD. then there’s bad mania where all you want to do is HURT yourself because you’re so nervous and jumpy and miserable and can’t sit still and can’t hold conversations without twittering and twitching and jumping all over the place and changing the topic 20billion times per minute and not even listening to what anyone else is saying because there’s so much else going on. LAYERS, that’s what i hate about it. you can always find more going on under the other stuff, even outside, and you’re itchy all over but you don’t notice. you can pause and close your eyes for a second but it only looks it. AND EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH FALLS APART. I could leave and go to sleep, like I could sleep, I could leave and lie down and take some breaths and think about um, think about cheesecake and grandmothers and fashion designers and
thoughts morbid no matter what you try to think about and everything seems to be done too fast but not fast enough. the past and the future are confused.
i’ve done it a dozen times. I’M THERE RIGHT NOW. save me.
i’ve been alone all day, I woke up to an empty house, so I left it. it rained on me and I.. was in the city for a while… I don’t know.
I was only joking
please apply that to everything i’ve ever said!
there are things under my skin I need to let out, it’s crawling all over me anyway and if I cut it perhaps it will die and STOP
my mother thinks i’m fine. my blog should too. YOU SHOULD TOO.
an hour later:
what a shameful today entry.
I was okay for chunks of today, and am now. I bought toe socks, which I will photograph tomorrow, for surely they are the greatest invention ever. I also bought an un-black sweater! it is purple!
and I had sushi! and I saw the hippie-jesus-commune guys giving out their crazy flyers to tourists who were trying to be polite, and I smiled because I love them. I may join up.