sentient coffee

one of my theories was that coffee was sentient, but that was just to stop people from drinking it. but I still think grass is sentient, and it made me so _ad today to see a woman casually rip every frond from a fern as she walked past it.

Sarah rented Blue Crush, so I watched it with her, and didn’t like it. I came into the office to find my computer off, where it had been on, and when I turned it on, it would freeze and flash and beep and smoke. I spent the rest of the day attempting to only partially successfully restore it to its lost splendour. surprisingly, I am only 25% infuriated.  >:|

i’m going to grow up insane

*itch*

I went to bed very late, and then couldn’t sleep in because everyone was up and seemingly screaming at the top of their collective lungs right outside my door. i’ve been forgetting my birth control pills because i’ve stopped taking my others, so I took three today. I am high on estrogen. haha.

Stewart called and wanted more changes to tritonpalace. “last time, I promise.” so I did those, then he emailed me saying “oh, just one last thing, maybe.. please make an additional 50,000 animated menus.” he didnt say that, of course, but that’s what it meant. I don’t think he realised what an atrocious job it would be. I emailed him back saying “no,” but in three paragraphs.

then I cleaned like mad, outside and in. then I think I fainted, because I sat up on the floor. I do sometimes but it’s just from low blood pressure. I am praying mantis mad tonight, so can’t think. it is good. thinking can come tomorrow, including reasons, nighnigh.

hamlet

the server is back up but email is still down.

both job interviews went well. one I don’t want even a little bit, after the interview. i’m supposed to call them but won’t. the other I would like, but i’d have to give up uni entirely. they were very friendly, lovelie, she’s married to my year 12 art teacher, who apparently fondly remembered me when she told him my name. except he misremembered me as being on the school magazine board. I wasn’t.

I don’t want to give up Uni. I want the job. they said they’d call in a few daze. I almost hope I don’t get it so I don’t have to decide and mumm can tell me “it was meant to be,” rather than me just making the wrong choice LIKE I ALWAYS DO. but I am 75% sure if I get it I will take it, and give up Uni.

I washed my hair over the sink. everyone is secretly evil.

someone sent me hamlet. it was in my po box from no one, but the postmark was from nearby. i’ve no idea who it was.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

I haven’t read it yet.

results!

most exciting thing of the day: got my results back! and! I passed everything, including stats! yayayayayayayayayayayayXinfinity! not only did I pass stats, but I got a credit! wow.
you’ve no idea how glad I am to not have to do that awful class again.
got distinctions for all the other subjects.

mmm. today I watched Titan AE, Dragonheart and Cube. I didn’t really do anything else.
one of my servers is down, has been down all day, one most full of customers (and how loudly they complain), and it’s the one unpuppet.com is on! so won’t be able to post this now. also can’t get my email! eee!

Zolar

well, I was sick all day. not worth it, will hereby not drink.

I went to Port Douglas and bought jewellery and a new buddha. tried (unsuccessfully) to eat. had lots of troubs staying awake on the trip home, so went straight to bed. I dreamt that I was in an enclosure with crocodiles, and kept finding kittens everywhere, so i’d pick them up so the crocodiles couldn’t get them. I was wandering around with my arms full of this big pile of squirming kittens trying to find somewhere safe for them. but I wasn’t scared that the crocodiles would eat me, only the kittens!

that’s the second time this month i’ve dreamt about saving kittens. hmm. Zolar says dreaming of kittens means “recovery from an illness,” and that kittens being hurt means “death of an enemy.” yay! 🙂

drunk

didn’t have Ronnie today ’cause Trina had the day off, or something. or Roger did, or something. I went shopping with Sarah and she spent $100 on the ugliest pair of pants i’ve ever seen. she was wearing a very strange huge white belt she got in New Zealand and was saying “everyone’s looking at my belt. someone’ll come up and ask me where I got it, just watch, and i’ll be like ‘New Zealand, actually, you can’t get it here’ (in a posh voice). because fashion victims know all the new stuff out here. they’ll all rush around trying to find it.”

I came home and watched Eat Carpet which i’d taped the night before ’cause I was too tired to sit up and watch it. oh! before that I took some valium. i’d been keeping them for experimentation purposes, i’d never tried it before. I was on a boring film and I suddenly noticed an intense feeling of lethargy. so I shut it off and got up. wow! getting up has never been so difficult. then I moved as if I had no skeleton, and in slow motion. my eyes heavy lidded. I wandered around a bit and then! I suddenly wanted to eat heaps of stuff. so I did. 🙂

it wore off very quickly, and everyone was out so I started drinking. I didn’t mean to get very drunk, but I did. it was a very happy drunk though and I went into about 8 chatrooms at once on mirc for the first time in 10years. but I didn’t notice quite how drunk I was until I had to lie down and vomit and fall asleep and wake up to vomit again. I was too drunk to feed the animals or write a day entry so I left it ’til this morning, and I feel quite bad and sick, now. people are making breakfast and it smells like I want to puke again. ew. food.

now matter how often I drink I just can’t figure out my limit. it’s embarrassing. not that anyone knows I did..

job interviews

got the stats project results back! 70-something. and if my horrid group hadn’t turned it in before i’d finished it !! $@#*rwoudflh rrrr.
my exam results are published on the 14th. and two days after that? it’s the show it’s the show it’s the show show show. yay! I love the show.

places I applied for jobs have been contacting me, so i’ve said i’ll go to interviews on Tuesday for two. one for a touristy travel agent type place, and the one I made the portfolio for. I also have an orthodontist appointment on Tuesday… and luckily! mumm isn’t working that day so she can drive me everywhere.

today I sat around eating cheezles watching videos with Sarah. I walked the dogs in the rain! I am dedicated! and I took some pictures, one of which was the promised toe socks! well, toe tights, actually. yayX2003!

toe socks

I am still mad. hurry up, uni, before I carve gruesomely large, brightly coloured, vulva-shaped craters all over my own body.

mumm came in to say something, daydream followed her in to say something to her.. and they started yelling at each other right in my ear! I told them to go and do it somewhere else and then burst into tears
after they’d gone to do it somewhere else. !!!!!!

the only time I stare is right after i’ve cried, then it’s all I can do. beforehand i’ll be jumping all over the place, and some people think i’m really happy, or excited.. so all day i’ve been like this, and then I cry, and then I just feel blank, which dissolves into miserable, which goes maniacally miserable again! yeah, that’s it. there is bad mania, and there is good. good mania can be productive, and you like it, and want it to not stop, ever, and you’ll even live through the BAD just to get back to the GOOD. then there’s bad mania where all you want to do is HURT yourself because you’re so nervous and jumpy and miserable and can’t sit still and can’t hold conversations without twittering and twitching and jumping all over the place and changing the topic 20billion times per minute and not even listening to what anyone else is saying because there’s so much else going on. LAYERS, that’s what i hate about it. you can always find more going on under the other stuff, even outside, and you’re itchy all over but you don’t notice. you can pause and close your eyes for a second but it only looks it. AND EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH FALLS APART. I could leave and go to sleep, like I could sleep, I could leave and lie down and take some breaths and think about um, think about cheesecake and grandmothers and fashion designers and
thoughts morbid no matter what you try to think about and everything seems to be done too fast but not fast enough. the past and the future are confused.

i’ve done it a dozen times. I’M THERE RIGHT NOW. save me.

i’ve been alone all day, I woke up to an empty house, so I left it. it rained on me and I.. was in the city for a while… I don’t know.

I was only joking
please apply that to everything i’ve ever said!

there are things under my skin I need to let out, it’s crawling all over me anyway and if I cut it perhaps it will die and STOP
STOP.

my mother thinks i’m fine. my blog should too. YOU SHOULD TOO.

an hour later:
what a shameful today entry.

I was okay for chunks of today, and am now. I bought toe socks, which I will photograph tomorrow, for surely they are the greatest invention ever. I also bought an un-black sweater! it is purple!

and I had sushi! and I saw the hippie-jesus-commune guys giving out their crazy flyers to tourists who were trying to be polite, and I smiled because I love them. I may join up.

tripod

can you say OMFG I DESIRE THE NEW MY LITTLE PONY LINE WITH GREAT URGENCY?!

I broke two nails today. and bought a tripod for $60. the woman in the camera store ASKED me TO LEAVE.

a little girl timidly approached a dog, starting at his every movement, begging him to sit so she could give him a pat on the head, her FATHER looking FONDLY ON in a protective, FATHERly manner. the dog finally sat, and the girl with COURAGE ANEW ventured close enough to touch him. 0.425986 of a second later he jumped up, pawed at her shoulders, knocked her over and bit playfully at her face.
I WATCHED THE WHOLE THING, AND WALKED AWAY SMILING while the father kicked the dog off his screaming daughter. wish i’d had my camera, but I just had the stinkin’ tripod.

lonely

citylife Stewart dared to call me on the phone today.. twice! and I was okay. except he cracked some joke at which he expected me to laugh, only I didn’t..

I type these entries into editpad, into a file, which is now so long that the scrollbar can’t get any shorter. and in the first entry I mention watching SVU.. which I thought today i’d never seen before. see, this is why I need to write everything down.

how many times is the average person raped, and do people who’ve been raped somehow attract rapists? was everyone with dissociative identity sexually abused as a child?

i’ve never really been lonely before. it’s been raining.

dizzy

gosh, i’ve such a headache. i’ll go to bed early again today, but I bought Little Women by louisa may alcott on a whim so will read that. some of it.

Vincent got evicted! yay!

today I dragged my mother to the sushi train (she won’t eat sushi for some strange reason), and we saw Bruce Almighty. the theatre lady ignored my request for water and called the next person up, so I asked again. she said “oh you wanted water. sorry, unless you talk to me directly I won’t hear it.”
I said “I don’t know who else I would’ve been talking to.” but she ignored me again and overcharged me and gave me the wrong ticket.

I haven’t mentioned it for a long time, but my dizziness hasn’t abated at all. it’s been much longer than 6weeks. I hope it goes away one day.

Buddha’s got a tail

Saturday is look-after-Ronnie day.
she was patting Buddha this morning and he moved his tail, and she got all excited. she said “Buddha’s got a tail!”
I said “yeah!”
she said “…Ronnie’s got a tail.”
I said “no..”
she said “Jessie’s got a tail?”
I said “no.”
she said “Amber’s got a tail.”
I said “no!”
she said “Amber’s got a bottom.”
lol lolXamillion. she is so cute.

when Trina came to pick her up I gave some photographs i’d taken, because they ardently collect photos of her. mumm said that if they had another it would wear off, that parents always keep stacks of albums for their first baby, then don’t bother for the second and third and fourth.
I thought, that can’t be true! thinking of the million pictures per minute i’d take. but I must have a stronger desire to capture every moment of the past, for all the various records I keep. I took a look at the baby albums my mother has, and there at least three times as many of me as there are my little sister.

daydream, on the phone with his business associates, refers to me as his stepdaughter, and has at least once as just daughter. I, on the other hand, refer to him as daydream, or “my mother’s husband,” and it is 50% because of him that I want a job, so that I can live somewhere other than here (or on campus). I could concentrate instead on making the business bigger, which wouldn’t be hard if I did so locally, but I don’t like the limitations it brings already.
on the other hand, if it were so big as to be able to hire someone else to be limited by it, .. hmm. i’d have to get another job because i’d get bored out of my skull, much like I am now, which is the other 50% of why I want a job anyway.

I applied for 3 today, one because it said “person needed.”

other stuff:
i’ve noticed that when I walk for a long time, or when I run, my shins hurt.
myer had a sale so I bought some clothes. I tried on colours but they don’t look right on me after six years of black!

i’m going to bed, though it’s not even 9pm yet. i’m pretty tired and blah, and it is so cold it seems nonsensical to be anywhere but bed. and just because there are tourists walking about in bathing suits doesn’t mean it’s not cold, it just means they’re lizards.

photochallenge

I slept really late today, which is good, because it means I slept long!

anonymous people have accused me of cheating in last week’s photochallenge. lol. here’s a secret: I did, BECAUSE PHOTOCHALLENGE IS MY LIFE. note to perhaps senile octogenarian self: I didn’t really.

this afternoon I went shopping (for tights and bobbypins, both of which I seem to lose a lot), and walking past the foodcourt I saw a strange boy with an old highschool friend’s face. so I followed him a bit and! it was my old highschool friend! he just had short hair. I didn’t say anything because he either didn’t see or didn’t recognise me. the last time I saw him was when he asked me to the formal and I laughed ’cause I thought he was jokingggg. I am cruel and unusual.