worst day

got about 2 hours sleep last night, and as a direct result have been very bad today.

finally fell asleep at about 5am; it was just getting light. then I had to blearily tear myself from bed at 7am to go to class. the tutor arrived, and said, “since the lecture schedule is a week behind, we’ll be using this tute as a catch-up. if you have nothing to catch up on, you can leave.”

oo. was I ever mad. I didn’t have anything to catch up on, of course. and of course, I couldn’t sleep when I got home and fell back into bed. I tried writing my presentation but couldn’t concentrate.

went to the orthadontist at 1pm (I went last week, but there had been a power failure so they told me to come back today), and he upgraded my wire or something and now my teeth hurt AS WELL. YAY. NOT ONLY CAN I NOT SLEEP, I CAN NOT EAT OR SPEAK, EITHER. THANKS, GOD, THANKS A BUNCH.

>:|  >:|  >:|

^_^

I can safely and completely truthfully say that I feel great. happier than I have in weeks. Thursdays are my favourite day for several reasons:

  1. I can sleep in and laze about all morning.
  2. forensic psychology is by far my favourite subject this semester, and the tutorials for it are the most interesting and fun i’ve ever had, the people in it are most of the ones I like best and can actually relate/talk to.
  3. don’t have to work! ever!
  4. criminal intent is on. 🙂

I stuck mostly to my schedule today. I just finished the tutorial, which is why I am so joy-ous. in it we were divided into two groups, one the prosecutors and one the defence. when I got thrown with the defence I said “yay!” and Dionne (the tutor) said “after you read the case you won’t be saying yay.” so I read the case and it was obvious that the guy was innocent. however! our brilliant group still won. I also exhibited my extensive vocabulary to a satisfying extent.

there is a boy in this tute, and in my lifespan tute, in whom I am intensely interested. his name is Andrew, and he is very funny, very intelligent and very outgoing (he is also very unattractive, and overweight, but anyway). he was in my group and we had a great conversation about forensic shows on TV. then he asked me to some blues night on at a club! I said no thanks, I had presentations to do. I am considering subtly insinuating a rumour throughout the second year psychology crowd that i’m a lesbian. i think I would like to be thought of as a lesbian anyway.

afterwards, on my way out to the bus stop, three of the tute girls were standing about smoking, so I joined them, minus the smoking. they were bitching about Dionne. I just can’t understand why everyone dislikes her so! I like her a lot, and have tremendous amounts of respect for her and want to be her when I grow up. she has heaps and heaps of energy, talks at a million miles an hour, and has a comeback for anything. she is very forceful and argumentative and opinionated, and she tells people off a lot and knows a million things. she’s doing a Ph.D, but I don’t know what in.. I do know that she used to live in New York City and used to be an actor and then a director and studied law for a while, and she said once her specialty was sensation and perception and another day she said it was language.

anyway, I didn’t bitch about her, but I did gossip about her. and did say I liked her. and made them laugh uproariously about something but can’t remember what.

and I started a website for Kim.. theducksvoice.org.

schedule

what’s the matter with me anyway? I don’t have anything to really worry about anymore. the worst is over, things are almost back to normal. my life isn’t so very bad.

hmm. hmmm. alright. i’m going to plan my tomorrow, and try my best to stick to it.

  • i’ll sleep in, as I haven’t been sleeping well and must be tired, which is probably contributing a lot, regardless of whether or not I actually feel tired. i’ll get up at, say, 10.
  • and take a bath before doing anything, including checking email. well, maybe i’ll check it for emergencies, otherwise i’ll worry throughout the bath. but I won’t read it! unless it is an emergency. i’ll shave my legs and condition my hair.
  • then i’ll read and answer email.
  • after which i’ll have breakfastlunch, because it’ll be around 11.
  • then! I will lock myself firmly in my room, play dead can dance, and read my anthropology articles with the essay question in mind, making notes as I find things which pertain to that question. I won’t necessarily commit myself to writing the essay yet, as it isn’t due for a week&ahalf.
  • for a break I will go through my folders and write on my calendar when everything is due, so I can properly prioritise.
  • and will finish around 1pm? if I am feeling miserable still, I will walk the dogs. if I am feeling okay, I will permit a reading session of 45 minutes at most.
  • check my email again. I will not waste inordinate amounts of time reading friends pages and visiting semi-interesting websites.
  • at 2:15 i’ll catch the bus to Uni. I will not dawdle and be late, but will go straight to the theatre and pinch the best seat.
  • if the lecturer is up from Townsville, I will take copious notes and not leave early. if, however, the lecture is televised, I will stay for the first hour, take uncopious notes, then go and have lunchdinner at 4pm (it’s okay, because he puts his lecture notes on studentsonline anyway. I needn’t even really go at all).
  • at 5pm I will go to my tutorial. i’ll be lively in discussions and contribute rather than fading into the walls and skulking out when their backs are turned. I will be bright and sociable. I will stay for the entire 3 hours.
  • after the practical I will catch the bus home, whether I am offered a lift or not.
  • at 8:30pm I will watch Criminal Intent. I will not ignore my family and shrug at their Are you alright?s, because I will be alright.
  • I will not watch whatever follows Criminal Intent just for the sake of watching it. I will clean my room and do my laundry.
  • bedtime no later than 11pm; if i’m not tired yet a reading session will again be permitted for 1hour at most. If I still can’t sleep by 12:30 i’ll take a pill, because i’ll have to get up early. positive i’ll be able to sleep, though.

I am hopeful.

cutting classes

too much is going on and i’m not handling it well. i’m very stressed and anxious and depressed.
but i’m not working again until Saturday.

I need to focus on school more. assignments will be due soon; I haven’t even started my lifespan journal or presentation or my myth and ritual presentation. or the other three essays that’ll be due.

I cut two more classes today. I did go to one of them but had to leave because I couldn’t concentrate. I went to the beach and read a bit and then just lay there and listened to the waves and tried to relax and feel peaceful.

watched a video which mentioned something along the lines of millions of decomposing sperm bodies lining the vagina.

people cry around 65 litres of tears in their lifetimes, on average 28 drops each time. low pitched sounds. I don’t dot my i’s, what does that mean in graphology? all I know is that if you write above the line you’re vain and if you slant to the left you’re a liar.

I looked it up:

You like to keep life in perspective and have a fairly straightforward way of viewing yourself and others. To you, Life is neither a stage nor a tragedy play! You may have a tendency to be a bit depressed along about now. Anything going on? Its likely that you enjoy throwing a good party, and just don’t like being cooped up all evening. And once Friday afternoon comes, you’re probably often right ready to bolt out to find the weekend’s next social event! Hmmm… So you like to be one person out in the world and another person in the privacy of your own space, eh? Interesting. Does that also mean that you have multiple personalities? (Probably not but then… who knows!? You could be a hard one to figure out! 😉

Lone Rangers often keep a bit of distance between themselves and others. Do you ever hear people define You as a Lone Ranger? Or is it that you’re more of what some might define as “a creative force of the next generation!” Either way, you don’t mind straying from that straight and narrow path, shall we say, so you get good marks for originality! Ever notice how tears can well up inside of you when you didn’t even expect them? And how you can feel someone else’s emotions whenever they enter the room? A lot of people probably don’t understand that about you, but I don’t need to tell YOU that, do I? You’ve known it all your life! You likely tend to be a quite quiet person and don’t like to rock the boat. You probably are a careful reader, and don’t like to jump to conclusions about anything.
As for Astrological Implications possibly related to you:

And you know, you might have a bit of a strong calling as a Gemini, since you like to mix yourself selectively with different versions for different moods!

but it didn’t say anything about dotting i’s.

I’d want Winona Ryder to play me

today sucked.
did greate on the exam! remembered everything.
afterwards I cut my first class of the semester.
my business problems continue. I am thinking it is not worth the stress, especially since I now have an actual job and less time.
today I tried brandy. it is gross. all alcohol is gross, but brandy is especially so.
wish my life was a movie so I could guess how it ends.

just can’t seem to bring myself around

worked tonight, again, and it was so busy that I ended up staying heaps of overtime, and now am so tired I could die. but I didn’t make any mistakes, and had fun, and people bought me drinks. I don’t know why people buy the bartender drinks. especially when i’m too busy to actually drink them. but I can’t say no. and for some reason I don’t seem to get drunk at all while working. funny mind thing.

I took my library books back and realised later that i’d marked heaps of pages to quote in my little quote notebooks and forgot to write them down! stupid me. all those lovely quotes, gone for ever.

i’ll start studying tomorrow. if I was to take the exam now, without first studying, i’d get 0%. I haven’t learned a thing.

this is my 100th entrie

i’d like to count the similies in the first half of The Bell Jar, then count the similies in the second half, then compare the halves. there seem to be dozens just in the first few pages. I love them, and I love hers (especially the cadaver balloon head one), but it’s too noticeable  she also tends to one sentence paragraph. tended..

at work today Leonard the manager gave us prettie nametags to wear.
everyone in my family calls me Jessie, and they’re the only ones allowed, ’cause that’s what they all called me when I was very little. although I also let daydream because he is family now, too. however when they talk about me with outsiders they sometimes forget to not refer to me such, so now Sue, an outsider, calls me Jessie. I decided to just let her because she knew me when I was relatively small (in highschool, and I was very small). however she then introduced me to Leonard as Jessie, thus Leonard wrote Jessie on my nametag. so I had dozens of strangers calling me Jessie.
it was very annoying.

the best age to be

I just went through these entries and censored some of them, because I realised people might actually find and read them! don’t worry, i’ve still got the censored bits in my file, so my 80year old me won’t be deprived of the juicy stuff; and it is so juicy.

we did a “best age to be” thing. everyone was entirely happy with their age but for one 32 year old mother who would be 27 and a bunch of highschool-leavers who would be 15. we watched a video of an experiment in which volunteers entered a reception area and were given a consent form to sign by the receptionist guy. when he took the form he ducked behind the desk to file it and get the instructions. when he stood up to give them the instructions he was a different guy. 75% of the participants didn’t notice.

I helped Sarah apply through QTAC to some universities and later realised she can’t do any of the dance degrees because she never learnt classical ballet, which is a requirement. guess she’ll be doing theatre.

groundless

need a holiday, need to sleep. something is wrong. I am so very small, legless, flat on the ground, close to the ground, trying to get in.
I am working: Friday, Sunday and Tuesday at 6:30pm.

I would write, but don’t really want to put you through that! that wasn’t directed at me.

in a week i’ll be fine. i’m fine every time I remember I could walk away from here if I wanted to enough.

the sky is in love with me

another debate today, about the visual development of infants. and my team won! yay! we got lollies!
but I am still down. 🙂

learnt about a boy who had a blood burst in his brain so had a kind of epilepsy where he had an invisible seizure every two seconds because his left brain hemisphere was badly damaged. so they removed it! when he was 10 or something. how very odd. and he was almost normal afterwards; when he awoke after surgery, for the first time ever he used 4 words in a sentence.

oh, buddha shredded my doctor’s thing to get my x-ray. *shrug*

I would like to collect teapots, but can’t really be bothered.

leonard-the-manager rang while I was in class to give me my shifts and left a message saying he’d ring back in half-an-hour but never did. so I am unable to dreadedly count down hours, which is stressful. I am unusually stressed. exam on Monday, two assignments I should have done? and things I can’t talk about.. here.

I read illusions: adventures of a reluctant messiah by richard bach today (between waking and getting up: 35 minutes, bus-stop: 15 minutes, bus-ride to Uni: 25 minutes, between sandwich bites in the refectory: 20 minutes, bus-ride home: another 25 minutes) and thought it .. . mmm. I shouldn’t’ve read it because I know more than what it teaches, so it was just annoying.

restless, and nervous, all the time.

a head full of radios

“what if all the people who were drinking were hanging from the bottles, if the bottles were hung from the ceiling with string, and the floor caved in, and the only thing that kept everyone up was the bottles?”

i’m hugely down tonight. but i’ll forget that little fact right           now.

Bronwyn’s final court appearance was today, and the judge to decide her fate. we were sitting there and Bronwyn’s dislikable friend tapped the shoulder of a guy in front of us and said “are you a reporter?” because he was scribbling on a pad.. and we’d peeked over his shoulder and spotted Bronwyn’s name on it. he said yes, and she said “well this lady here, Bronwyn, doesn’t want anything else printed about her.” eee. what a silly girl. I wanted to pinch her. as if saying that’d help. he’ll probably just add that little tidbit to his story just to make Bronwyn look even worse. they’ll certainly print the outcome because $30,000 over 6 years is a lot to not go to jail for.

anyway! she was sentenced to two years imprisonment, but was wholly suspended. so she isn’t going to jail. she’s on a two year good behaviour bond instead (which means that if she even gets caught drink driving she’ll go to jail for two years), and is also on a.. something I can’t remember. correctional thing, where she has to visit them twice a week and do community service and stuff. they said going to prison is easier.

after that everyone went to a celebratory lunch but I had to go to Uni. yay. and learn all about Levi-Strauss who spent his whole life breaking down myths from all over the world hoping to find hidden underlying structure and meanings, and didn’t even find anything.

on the bus from the city to the Uni (40 minutes), waiting for the bus to go home (20 minutes) and on the bus on the way home (25 minutes), I finished a whole book. it was about a girl with rich parents but no friends who wants to make movies, then she makes a friend to put her in a movie, then she sleeps with a rockstar and he sends her to his agent who hires her as a secretary and finally buys a screenplay from her, and then she’s rich and snorts cocaine and loses her friend then makes up with her friend then comes clean and they run away to the desert because they’re two halves of the same whole.

then I had to work, which is what depressed me. it wasn’t very busy but there was a waitress there who wasn’t very nice, but that was probably because Sue the ferocious chef yelled at her. I walked all the way home and by that time couldn’t move a single facial muscle even if someone chopped off all my fingers with one of those cigar-end chopping things.