i’m so sleepy, but can’t go to bed without writing an entry! that would be evil.
I finished switching to mt, and like it so much better. with this one I can have 20 blogs from the same script! not that I will.
today at uni we were expected to spend our prac inputting rows and rows of numbers into SPSS, a data analysis program. what a waste of time. I left.
I went to the refect and bought some juice. there are two regular refect ladies, one is always very nice to me and attempts conversations, the other has always been rather brusque. well today the brusque one for the first time ever said hello, but said it as though she always had and knew my life history. and then! she said I looked beautiful! I was very surprised. people you don’t really know don’t usually begin a conversation by saying “you look beautiful.” they should!
but anyway, hours and hours later, mumm mentioned that daydream had said to her that when he picked me up from uni he thought I looked very attractive. these comments would be unremarkable if they hadn’t both happened on the same day, when they are so rare! so why did I look so wonderful today?
i’m not really vain, although I sometimes pretend to be, and actually have no opinion as to my own attractiveness or not. of course I probably would if I were either ugly or beautiful, but I like being neither. if two people had told me today I looked ugly i’m sure I would have had the same reaction, and would still have spent two paragraphs of similar tone on it just now.
during the same conversation with my mother, which mostly revolved around her alcoholism and how miserable it’s making her, she said she feels that my relationship with her is as though I am her mother, rather than vice versa. I asked if that was good or bad, according to her, and she said it was neither, that she just accepted it. she also said that she feels as though, when she drinks, that I am judging her.
well what does that even mean? if it means that I think she could be doing better than she is, then yes, I am. if it means that my opinion of her changes because she is drinking, then i’m not. I don’t know from personal experience how difficult addiction of any kind is to overcome, but I know! it’s very difficult! and that maybe I am expecting too much.
the one or two times i’ve complained about it here have simply been mindless frustration directly after an alcohol-induced confrontation, and! are by no means the basis of my opinion! I couldn’t possibly think her a bad, weak or stupid person (she referred to herself as stupid several times, despite my many outraged objections).
in another conversation she said my opinion of her matters more than anyone’s. but she doesn’t belieeeeeeve my opinion.
one more thing.. earlier on, she and daydream were at Katrina’s, so I bought fish&chips for tea for Sarah and me and rented Stand By Me. I knew she’d like it because there’s a movie just like it that she likes except about girls. anyway at the part when Gordon’s brother is being all brotherly and encouraging, Sarah said to me, “why can’t you be like that?”
that is all.