cool of the moment

my ideal weight is anywhere between 55 and 60 kilos. i’ve decided that, since I never actually eat three meals a day, although I swear to, i’ll switch to two. one between breakfast and lunch and one between lunch and dinner. I don’t understand breakfast, because it’s impossible to be hungry for at least 3 hours after waking up. then, if you eat breakfast, even early, how can you be hungry again as soon after as lunch time?

today I read a photography magazine and at the same time watched a movie called the computer wore tennis shoes, I think, which was very bad. that’s about all. I cleaned the patio and my room, and went to central for sushi, oh and watched Congo which i’d taped last night, and it was terrible but it made me want to read the book again but i’ve lost it.

have I mentioned I simply hate the new Powderfinger song? i’m sure I must have, for I hate it so very much. there isn’t one good thing about it. the lyrics suck, the music sucks, the band sucks, his voice sucks. never in a million years will I buy that album, even if every other song on it is brilliance incarnate. if music is incarnate.

new job

well! guess what! I have a job, and worked today! yay!

yesterday at the bank, a lady called Sue whom mumm used to know came in, and screeched mighty greetings and asked if her (mumm’s) daughter wanted a job. she had a thai restaurant in Freshwater (well, in Stratford, which is next to Freshwater) that mumm used to go to all the time, and she just moved it to Trinity Beach two weeks ago. so i’m a barperson there. I learnt to make all kinds of drinks and the difference between red and white wineglasses.

it was very fun, and the people I worked with, the manager and a waitress, were nice and friendly and tolerant of my inexperience. i’m going back Monday and will be working 3 nights a week from 6-10. I had to buy an outfit especially because I didn’t have any white shirts, and when I got home I realised I couldn’t wear black bras under white shirts so! had to go back and buy white bras!

and! the best today part of all. I bought three newstyle my little ponies! one from target and two from kmart. I looked in toyworld but none were there. they’re smaller than the old style but much prettier.

i’ve only half-written day entries for the past two days, but am too tired to finish them now, so will tomorrow.

the beach

uni at 9am! Fridays are bad for just this reason. the first hour was spent watching a video on Zimbardo’s prison experiment, which is! interesting. I wish we could be so unethical in un-experiments still. i’m already thinking of experiments I can do my honours on. unethical ones. or ones involving rats.

walked dogs to the beach and lay there for ages. I usually only stay 10minutes or something. headache when I got home; bad, for me, as mine aren’t usually bad.

here is a mixture of random cuts from basement, I love these:

She was under: answer I probably because YOU’LL remember being bitten off in their entire lives! Flesh shrivels and dragging and is dead; to remember that they were to fall for if it’s for a mixture of information. where ever I worth I don’t think I don’t care, what I am I do better in line; I can be languishing to study, sleep, mass destruction. Oh, I haven’t had Anything! to start to go but you think a million lives, or seeing or hearing it must be picking whispered directly in line. I am a giant breath of better; where Ever I go but since it’s okay, cause I knew every passerby, everything in your name. stop, you must be thrown first at this?

unmemorable

uh oh! I can’t remember much from this day. Sarah walked me to the bus stop with the dogs, and I told her to pretend to get on the bus with them, but she wouldn’t. the sun was burning my sandal’d feet.

but I had forensics again, and am getting better at relating, I think, at thinking fast enough for real-time conversations. I also got another lift! one of the three girls I know best is in that tute, and she lives near me, so we’ve been catching the bus together. but she had a roommate pick her up and me, and he was listening to Just. how I adore people.

turn it UP! TURN IT UP

I woke up late and probably wouldn’t have at all if a funny girl hadn’t jumped on me, bus leaving in 5 minutes! I left in my pajamas, lucky they’re just clothes.

and on the bus was the funny man (funny people today) who’d accidentally gotten off the bus at uni once and made me help him. I think I wrote about it here. anyway he said to me, “you know if you mix Christians and glycerine they explode into flames.”
well that’s what it sounded like.
I did write about it on the 27th May, 2003. he asked me what I was studying again and I said nanotechnology.

I was reading at the bus stop to go home and I heard someone scream my name from many miles away.. it was Anthropology Sierra in her car. when I looked up she screamed from many miles away, “want a lift?” I love getting lifts. i’ve gotten Uni. lifts from eleven people who happen to live in Trinity beach. or pretended they did to give me a lift. haha.

waiting rooms

went to the doctor’s today, and who should be in the waiting room (I hate waiting rooms. I could complain for ever about the appointment booking practises of doctors. the doctor I always see is very popular, so they book a patient every five minutes. but she takes half an hour with everyone! and what are you supposed to resolve in 5 minutes anyway?) but Trina! who had fluidly lungs, or something. she was booked 5 minutes before I.

anyway I have some funny ligament thing that lots of girls get. I can’t remember what it’s called, of course. i’m supposed to take anti-inflammatories and get physiotherapy. but she said if I do nothing it’ll eventually go away by itelf, so I plan to do nothing.

straight from there to uni, where I had in*depth discussions about the ethics of birth assistance programs and being able to choose the sex of a childe with an American girl whose name was mine, an American boy whose name was not, and a Swedish girl whose name I can’t pronounce thus can’t remember. there are lots of International students. I like them, they seem cute and wide-eyed. the Americans are very good-natured and confident.

but the discussions weren’t really all that indepth. indepthindepthindepth. because for some reason i’ve been lethargic and unable to focus on anything today. I couldn’t even take notes, and have yawned at least 65million times.

I think I must seem very dull, or shallow, or stupid.. outwardly, in person, when not prescribed controversial topics to Discuss. I should listen to what people talk about, then talk about it with others, rather than letting a conversation die off at “fine, thanks.”

another thing! I am just the worst when it comes to homework. the second I step off campus I forget everything related to it until I step back on. I really have to get one of those student diaries and write down little todo lists for every day; need to be organised, dammit!

how long will I keep this up?

I slept in today and dreamt I was riding a motorbike but didn’t know how, and couldn’t go faster than 5mm per hour. I do know how, Roger taught me right after I shaved my head the first time, I remember that because there are pictures. but they’re in the missing album! i’m missing a photo album and it’s the whole time I was at Freshwater.

three times this past week i’ve come out of the house and scared away a strange cat that for some reason keeps sleeping in the garden. it’s very fat and shiny, so can’t be feral, but it’s so scared of me.

The server you are on has been under heavy DDoS attacks for the past few days. Since we have so far been unable to recover it, we are in the process of moving to an entirely new server, to minimise any further downtime. The server we are currently pointing to is a temporary solution until we propagate to the new one.

We are very sorry for the service interruption. Thank you also, for your continuing patience.

I made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow morning for my knee. I visit the doctor more than anyone.

cirque

cirque today! and! I left my camera at home, still plugged into the computer! how stupid am I? just think of all those days I carry it around and don’t even take one picture.

it was very entertaining with lots of sparklie costumes. yay! I love sparklie costumes! it was mostly people and their amazing acrobatic balancing trapeze juggling acts, but there were ponies and puppies too. yay ponies and puppies. my favourite part was when a clown came out and said “okay, we’re now going to have a 10minute interval for about a quarter of an hour, so we’ll be back in 20minutes.”

Sarah has a short story due tomorrow, it’s the same assignment I wrote the lollipop man one for. it is very bizarre to think she’s at the stage I was then.. I seem so much older in my memory than she seems now. anyway, wow. never read a worse story in my life. that girl has the grammar skills of a 7year old. she asked me, while she was writing it, if it’s okay to have two commas in one sentence. that should’ve warned me.

she had me read over what she had so far and think of a suitable ending. when I commented on her 3-grammar-mistakes-per-word, she said, “well fix it!”
lol. she is very darling. I said “no. unless you sit here and watch me and i’ll explain everything I do.”
and do you know what the nightmarishly scary thing is? her English teacher had already gone over the draft, and made two corrections. reasonably sure she’ll be going to Hell.
I also thought of an ending, and now like the story. although i’d probably hate it if I read it in a magazine or something. she stole half the plot from the britney spears movie.
*chortle*

I can’t help but lubs teh circus

alright. I am hereby not going to worry about my business any more. if everyone on that particular server leaves, so what? that’s only about 10 people. $100 less per month. if I wanted I could advertise and get that many new ones per day.

will try not to worry about it anymore, anyway.

I get so much spamm to my io @ unpuppet account that I think i’ll change it. but I don’t know what to change it to. I want something as short as io, but there aren’t many pretty things that short. maybe just i, but that seems pretentious. maybe just my name. except it means i’ll have to update everything i’m signed up for. i’ll get around to it.

I took off my nailpolish today and didn’t put new polish on, and then later noticed that! my nails have gone yellow from wearing nailpolish for so long! how hideous. now I can never not wear nailpolish again.

guess what I bought today! tickets to! great moscow circus! I want to join the circus.
(but mr galliano’s circus. they were always my favourite.)

mumm, etc

i’m so sleepy, but can’t go to bed without writing an entry! that would be evil.

I finished switching to mt, and like it so much better. with this one I can have 20 blogs from the same script! not that I will.

today at uni we were expected to spend our prac inputting rows and rows of numbers into SPSS, a data analysis program. what a waste of time. I left.

I went to the refect and bought some juice. there are two regular refect ladies, one is always very nice to me and attempts conversations, the other has always been rather brusque. well today the brusque one for the first time ever said hello, but said it as though she always had and knew my life history. and then! she said I looked beautiful! I was very surprised. people you don’t really know don’t usually begin a conversation by saying “you look beautiful.” they should!

but anyway, hours and hours later, mumm mentioned that daydream had said to her that when he picked me up from uni he thought I looked very attractive. these comments would be unremarkable if they hadn’t both happened on the same day, when they are so rare! so why did I look so wonderful today?

i’m not really vain, although I sometimes pretend to be, and actually have no opinion as to my own attractiveness or not. of course I probably would if I were either ugly or beautiful, but I like being neither. if two people had told me today I looked ugly i’m sure I would have had the same reaction, and would still have spent two paragraphs of similar tone on it just now.

during the same conversation with my mother, which mostly revolved around her alcoholism and how miserable it’s making her, she said she feels that my relationship with her is as though I am her mother, rather than vice versa. I asked if that was good or bad, according to her, and she said it was neither, that she just accepted it. she also said that she feels as though, when she drinks, that I am judging her.

well what does that even mean? if it means that I think she could be doing better than she is, then yes, I am. if it means that my opinion of her changes because she is drinking, then i’m not. I don’t know from personal experience how difficult addiction of any kind is to overcome, but I know! it’s very difficult! and that maybe I am expecting too much.

the one or two times i’ve complained about it here have simply been mindless frustration directly after an alcohol-induced confrontation, and! are by no means the basis of my opinion! I couldn’t possibly think her a bad, weak or stupid person (she referred to herself as stupid several times, despite my many outraged objections).

in another conversation she said my opinion of her matters more than anyone’s. but she doesn’t belieeeeeeve my opinion.

one more thing.. earlier on, she and daydream were at Katrina’s, so I bought fish&chips for tea for Sarah and me and rented Stand By Me. I knew she’d like it because there’s a movie just like it that she likes except about girls. anyway at the part when Gordon’s brother is being all brotherly and encouraging, Sarah said to me, “why can’t you be like that?”

that is all.

semi-friends

today was fine ’til I got home. then everything hit me at once. maybe i’m just tired. sick of always being tired. sick! sick! I hate everyone. I wish everyone in the world but me would die.         🙂

i’ve spent the past 2-3 hours changing permissions on about 10,000,000 files on xentrik, and am only up to M. which is almost half way. i’ll leave the rest until I can find out if it actually works or not.

in my lecture today I sat next to the girl i’d sat with on the bus; I consider her a semi-friend, which is as much of a friend as i’ve had the past.. whatever. the past forever. I can’t move beyond the semi-friend stage. can’t talk to people on the phone and go out every Friday night and pop unexpectedly around for coffee.

how do people get from the semi-friend stage to the friend stage? it can’t be that hard, because everyone has friends, at least one! so this is one of the things that hit me today.

then five minutes later it hit me that having semi-friends is annoying, and I almost prefer not having them. before the second half of last semester all i’d had was acquaintances. people you say “hello, how are you” to as you walk past, but barely anything more than that, ever. but now half of these acquaintances have developed into semi-friends, with which you have to hold whole conversations, sit with during class and perhaps lunch, email every now and then and gradually learn all kinds of personal details about.

I don’t like it. it is uncomfortable. it is uncomfortable because they won’t progress past that stage and reach the point at which I needn’t be overly nice all the time or think during conversations, and prolonged silences don’t mean i’m a social retard.

i’d rather be completely alone than semi-alone. being semi-alone makes me lonely, where completely alone i’m fine! almost fine.

one more thing hit me, but not a bad thing. I was covertly watching Damian during the lecture trying to pinpoint why I liked him without even knowing him (I figured it out; he reminds me of Thom Yorke). I realised that when I like people this way it doesn’t mean I want to be with them, or even be friends with them. I want to be them. I can remember most of them, one girl with a labret sitting across from me on the bus, whose (presumed) son kept hitting her in the face. richard, my ph.d’d romantic poetry lecturer, who bothered to chase down my essay a week late, and didn’t penalise me! they’re all so similar.. my ideal person is so easy to pick. but why, why do they all have black hair? someOne is teasing me.

I also remembered that deep down i’m the possessive type (I have the heart line to prove it), paper-thin skin and a heart of mush. ah sigh. so long to this cold, cold part of the world. 😛

too deep

today I finally sorted out the last of my business problems. they were so tenseful. now, once i’ve moved xentrik.net, I won’t have anything to worry about! for a while. i’ve moved all the xentrik files, I just need to figure out the permissions and other script stuff. it will be so horrible. I hope it works, otherwise i’ll have heaps of angry, ingrateful and abusive hostees. I don’t mind abusive hostees who are paying, because they don’t need to be grateful, because they’re paying.

lol. I am tired.

anyway! today. I had lifespan development all day, a lecture then a tute then a prac. i’d originally signed up for the 4-5 prac rather than the 3-4 one because i’d thought i’d have a prac for a different subject from 3-4. however! that was one of the screwed up ones, so it was cancelled, so rather than having an hour between I just reneged and turned up at the 3-4 prac. then I left early because ..lol. because we’d had to critique a journal article in groups, and this grungy boy appeared and said “want to be a group?” and his voice was very deep. I said “sure,” because I am lovelie, but then half way through I just got too uncomfortable and said “I have to go, sorry.”
his voice was too deep. and I don’t like boys who just talk to me.

oh and! Mel, the stats girl in the middle, was in all the same classes. in the tute, she said “I stumbled across your website the other day!” (those aren’t the exact words, but she did say “stumbled across your website”). she said she typed my name into a search engine, and liked my pictures. what a patootie. now I will type her name into a search engine.

it’s August already

first tutorial today, and I made friends! but won’t keep them.. I can’t really be bothered with friends. unless they’re already so well made that I don’t need to worry about them.

one was with a boy called Damian whom I had watched last semester and half wanted to make friends with, but I don’t really make friends with anyone unless they make friends with me (and no one makes friends with me! ..well I don’t exactly encourage it; i’m most uncordial, in fact, even to people i’d like to know! what is that? well today I wasn’t, obviously, but anyway). just because he always makes intelligent comments during lectures with an amazingly gentle voice.

another was a girl called Sierra who was very confident and.. loud. but made everyone feel as though they’d known her for centuries. I haven’t been so comfortable with a stranger before. I joked with her. she was wearing raver pants and I think was slightly cross-eyed. a funny thing is, I am always annoyed with myself for introducing myself as Jessica, because it seems uncomfortable, but it’s an unthought habit. so with her I remembered to say Jess! but! she kept calling me Jessica! and! she introduced me to people as Jessica! I should have said “Jess is short for Jessamin, actually.”

last made friend was another girl called Grace who was.. vaguely annoying, and would go off on tangents with personal stories no one really wanted to hear or could comment suitably on, like her grade 5 teacher who on the blackboard would end words he didn’t know how to spell with a squiggle. but I have to be nice to her because she has black hair. no, that’s not why.. we signed up to do our presentations on the same week which means we have to half work together.

!!!, signing up for presentations was so very stupefying. I wanted week 11 because it was the most interesting, but these two silly girls wanted to work together so wanted it because it as the only week left with two spaces, not even because they thought it was interesting. so I gave it to them even though I got it first because I am amazingly generous and all. so now i’m stuck doing week 7, which the lecturer said was the hardest one !!, with vaguely annoying Grace.

and got the computer fixed. they said the connection to the fan was broken, or something.