today was fine ’til I got home. then everything hit me at once. maybe i’m just tired. sick of always being tired. sick! sick! I hate everyone. I wish everyone in the world but me would die. 🙂
i’ve spent the past 2-3 hours changing permissions on about 10,000,000 files on xentrik, and am only up to M. which is almost half way. i’ll leave the rest until I can find out if it actually works or not.
in my lecture today I sat next to the girl i’d sat with on the bus; I consider her a semi-friend, which is as much of a friend as i’ve had the past.. whatever. the past forever. I can’t move beyond the semi-friend stage. can’t talk to people on the phone and go out every Friday night and pop unexpectedly around for coffee.
how do people get from the semi-friend stage to the friend stage? it can’t be that hard, because everyone has friends, at least one! so this is one of the things that hit me today.
then five minutes later it hit me that having semi-friends is annoying, and I almost prefer not having them. before the second half of last semester all i’d had was acquaintances. people you say “hello, how are you” to as you walk past, but barely anything more than that, ever. but now half of these acquaintances have developed into semi-friends, with which you have to hold whole conversations, sit with during class and perhaps lunch, email every now and then and gradually learn all kinds of personal details about.
I don’t like it. it is uncomfortable. it is uncomfortable because they won’t progress past that stage and reach the point at which I needn’t be overly nice all the time or think during conversations, and prolonged silences don’t mean i’m a social retard.
i’d rather be completely alone than semi-alone. being semi-alone makes me lonely, where completely alone i’m fine! almost fine.
one more thing hit me, but not a bad thing. I was covertly watching Damian during the lecture trying to pinpoint why I liked him without even knowing him (I figured it out; he reminds me of Thom Yorke). I realised that when I like people this way it doesn’t mean I want to be with them, or even be friends with them. I want to be them. I can remember most of them, one girl with a labret sitting across from me on the bus, whose (presumed) son kept hitting her in the face. richard, my ph.d’d romantic poetry lecturer, who bothered to chase down my essay a week late, and didn’t penalise me! they’re all so similar.. my ideal person is so easy to pick. but why, why do they all have black hair? someOne is teasing me.
I also remembered that deep down i’m the possessive type (I have the heart line to prove it), paper-thin skin and a heart of mush. ah sigh. so long to this cold, cold part of the world. 😛