i hate groups

well, it’s 4:30am and do you think I could sleep now if I took 20 thousand pills and climbed under 20 thousand mattresses? not in 20 thousand years. instead i’ll try and remember what transpired today (yesterday).

I had classes most of the day. for the lifespan development tute Dionne (I have her for lifespan as well as forensics) said, “well you can get yourselves into groups, I won’t force you today.” I was grumbling because I prefer being forced, it’s easier than waiting for some person I barely know to offer me a place in their close-knit circle of best friends. I was sitting between two girls I would say hello to if I passed on the street, but not anything else, because the only way I knew them was from being forced into groups with them previously; I didn’t know their names or anything. one of the girls turned towards the other and me and said, “can I be in your group?” however she was looking at the other girl, not at me, so the other girl said yes. no one else was really near us, so I assume everyone just assumed we half-acquaintences were a group by default.

then I noticed that the American Jessica, from a (forced) group a few weeks ago, was beckoning me over to her and American John, also from that group. so I gladly jumped up and joined their group, and they were just as glad, because you could tell they were a bit uneasy with just the two of them. but then I kept feeling guilty and looking over at the two girls i’d abandoned in their own tiny group. plus, neither of those Americans was very bright, so practically all the points we came up with were mine, which makes me feel pushy, even though the only option besides saying something is sitting there as dumb and complacent as they are. and I wasn’t pushy! we’d sit there for five minutes and then i’d say something like, “well consumer inflation is more likely to have caused the increase in money given by parents to kids, rather than there being an increase in parents who spoil their kids.” and they’d say “oh yeah!” then start talking about the best bars in Cairns or some stupid thing, and then we’d sit there for 5 minutes again.

when I came home at about 3pm (I left early again), I went into my room and put on some music and lay down, because I was feeling quite crap. but then my brain started burgeoning and I kept having all these thoughts that I felt I must write down that very second, so i’d roll over, turn on the lamp (because even in the middle of the day my room is pitch black) and write the thought in a notebook, then turn out the lamp and roll over again. i’d do that about every minute until i’d filled up the rest of that notebook, and swore i’d cut it out. but by then i’d been in there for four hours and was sick of it, so I came out. but since i’d had all those thoughts, I was in a state where I couldn’t sit in the loungeroom and watch TV, or make 10 gigabyte websites for people or read mindless science fiction novels. I had to do something like go where there are lots of people and observe them and wait for them to start up conversations. I used to be in that state quite often when I was about 17, and it usually ended with me sleeping with a stranger (which is so easy here because 90% of people in bars and stuff are backpackers trying to pick up anyone) and then sneaking away and coming home and either taking drugs or writing a story or both, but I couldn’t do any of those things now. so I just went for a walk in the dark, and sat on a bench on the footpath for a while until the mood went away and I felt I could watch TV and talk to people I knew again.

you know, I think that if not for him, i’d be quite content to be alone, because it suits me. I don’t mind it, and wouldn’t ever be lonely at all. I mean I never used to be. although maybe i’d still sometimes sleep with strangers. or at least hug them. 🙂