people can be mean, or nice, or nothing

in lifespan there is this lady who always interrupts the lectures every 20minutes with barely relevant (and usually long) anecdotes of interest to only herself, thus everyone hates her. well today she interrupted more than usual, so every time she opened her mouth half the class would roll their eyes and make catty remarks and a few made a big show of leaving, but no one said anything directly to her. she eventually overheard some people behind her so during the break she apparently ran away crying. one of the girls came back and collected her stuff so everyone exploded into gossip about it for about 15 minutes, even the lecturer.

during the tutorial afterwards, which she didn’t show up for, I happened to be stuck in the most gossipy group of all. Elsie, a very intelligent and outspoken girl, came over and said, “I think we should take her for coffee and let her talk about it.”
all the gossippy girls replied, “oh yes, we must! definitely, it’s the least we can do, gush gush.”
then! oh my goodness gosh. as soon as Elsie had left the gossips all turned to each other and started saying, “why should we take her for coffee and talk about it? she’s an adult she should deal with this like one, if not my rate’s $70 an hour.” and then started complaining about her again. these are the girls who made her cry in the first place.
I left. of course I thought she was annoying too. not that I rolled my eyes and murmured with my neighbours and made her cry and leave.

sleeplessness, senselessness

sleep wouldn’t visit me last night no matter what. must’ve gotten at most 2 hours; it felt like I lay there for 10 years and rolled over 500 times. plus I felt yuckie, so kept thinking I was going to throw up but didn’t. so it wasn’t even good turning over, it was bad because all I could think about was how bad I felt.

I skipped my first lecture half today, and should’ve skipped the whole thing ’cause all she talked about was how there’s no world other than the world we perceive and nothing exists except in terms of your relationship to it and there are no subjectivities except in relation to other subjectivities and no such thing as an individual. and truth does not inhabit the inner self, because there is no inner self, there is only the self in the world and only in the world can you know the self. which is very interesting, but I over-covered it in like 4 sentences. she went on for an ultra-repetitive hour.

spine slowly skewing

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

i’m sick, sick again. just a bug. a pukey, headachie, sore throat and chest-pain bug. plus today I had allergies as well, and had to work! but I took lots of pills and a nap so by work time I felt much better. only I get tired very easy so it was hard. so that must be why I felt so tired all day yesterday. when I told Sarah what time I went to bed last night, it was so strange she thought I meant 8:30 this morning.

since i’ve been working, heaps of money has accumulated in my accounts, and I haven’t even been saving.. still buying heaps of junk and stupid crap I don’t need. I only noticed today when I checked my statements, so ever since i’ve been thinking of all the things I could buy, and eyed the $3000 laptops in myer for too long. the one I have is heavy! so I can’t take it to Uni. without my spine slowly skewing in all directions. and it’s not as fast as i’d like anyway; I actually got it to make it easier for mumm to write her book, not to actually use myself, so got a cheaper slower one ’cause all she’d’ve been using was word. but she’s given that up again. she has about 6 unfinished novels now.

moody

I can’t remember the specifics, but mumm and Bronwyn were talking about someone who was “moody.” moody, when I think of the word, I think of someone who is frequently in a mood, negative connotation, in a wax. in a bad mood. I was mulling over the word when mumm said, “Jess is moody, too.”
what! what?! how absurd. how stupid. am not. shut up, get out: was pretty close to my reply.
she, that slanderer, clarified, but since I can’t remember exactly what she said either, can’t put it in pretty, orderly quotation marks. so won’t bother at all! no, she said that i’ve three moods: very good, nothing, very bad. that they’re equally distributed over my temperament and subject to switching without notice, or something. and, by the way, when I am bad, I am, apparently, “not pleasant to be around.”

later on I rode my sister’s bike to work to find out when I was working, as Leonard forgot to ring again (which, incidentally, required me to wear pants for the second time in a year, the very reason I hate bikes). it was around that time I realised how very unfit I am. gosh. lucky it doesn’t really bother me.

anyway, it’s 20:32, and I am going to bedd, because all day long i’ve been falling asleep at whatever i’m doing (yes, even before the bike-ride! i’m not that unfit.)

ugh partners

I learned today i’ve another presentation due next Friday, one supposed to be done with a partner, but! partners and scheduling were for some reason arranged during the tutorial we were told to leave if we were up to date on the work. and I seem to be the only person in the world who considers that really dumb. not that it really matters, it’s an easy one.. an experiment critique. experiments are easy to critique ’cause there’s always something wrong with them.

one of the girls in psychology i’ve been a bit scared of, because she is so.. aggressive. ever since she was on the opposite side of that forensic debate. plus whenever she talks to me she makes me feel so slow, because her brain seems to go at 10million miles a minute. but today in the tute, we weren’t even supposed to be working in groups but I ended up working with her and her friend, and i’m not so scared of her anymore. except when I mentioned the presentation scheduling thing she put her hand on my shoulder and said, “are you alright?” that was strange.

lately I bite my bottom lip a lot, and it is usually sore. I go through blistex like nothing else. I don’t even notice i’m doing it. I haven’t always, it’s been only the past few months. I also click the tops of my fingernails together, run them over each other, like a grasshopper’s legs. but that isn’t painful. it’s just funny to find myself doing it without realising.

pull out his eyes

ah, how dissatisfied I am.

i’m currently reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:

pull out his eyes,
apologise,
apologise,
pull out his eyes.

apologise,
pull out his eyes,
pull out his eyes,
apologise.

i’m only on page 25 and there are already a dozen things i’ve quoten. but i’m not sure I like it. I was supposed to read it for a modernist literature class back in my English major days but managed to pass without.

worred about Uni. so much to do, assignments, and harder ones than i’ve ever had before! two i’m especially worried about.. but I just can’t bring myself to do them. O, mon Dieu, quel est le probleme avec moi? I honestly have a pathological disorder in regards to deadlines. the minute something has a deadline I can’t even begin it until the day before it’s due.

just alright

sell myself out with a permanent pout, I think it went. can you believe that? 12 years old at most.

I am behind on everything I could be behind on, let alone a sillie daily or two. although I did catch up my incidents yesterday. there are better things I could’ve caught up on. now i’ll cat hup on this.

today I woke up so sluggish and dead, yawning 50 million times a second and blinking blearily with every breath. don’t know why, I slept the same as usual. although I think I dreamt more than usual. not that I can remember it.

I went to the uni library for the first time this whole semester. to the computer section, to do paypal stuff because if I do it from home they’ll spot my IP. Sierra happened to be on the computer behind mine, so asked me 90 times a minute to help her with her APA formatting.

mmm. haven’t been that good lately. but not terribly bad, so.

arguments

today daydream won US$8,000 for a game he designed. it came second place and won $25,000 but had to be split 3ways because he was working with two other people. he’s also going to all-expenses-paid papua new guinea to get footage to design another game.

so they made everyone come out to Atlantis to celebrate, and it was disasterous. I was already in a bad mood, because I have been, lately. I ruined everyone’s evening, practically.

well, well. she was drinking, of course. don’t even get me started on that. I haven’t said a word to her about it, or to anyone, or to myself, but anyway. she was drinking, so she was irritable, and managed to have 3 arguments with Sarah and two with daydream before the night was halfway over. the only reason she hadn’t had one with me is because i’m practically impossible to have an argument with at all. but then she even started to have an argument with me, so I said something about her picking fights with everyone.

gosh. she stared at me for like 20 seconds and then got up and left. daydream said as she walked past “she didn’t mean it that way!”
and I said, “yes, I did,” thinking who the hell is he to say what I mean and try to placate someone i’ve deliberately pissed off?
then she was gone, and he sighed painfully and snarled, “thanks, Jess,” and followed her.
Sarah made some snide little remarks for a while until daydream came back and said, “do you mind telling me why..” but I interrupted him and threw a complete tantrum. for me. I never say anything no matter how mad I get, so when I do I don’t need some pathetic spineless boy to tell me off when it doesn’t even concern him. that’s what I said, I think.
he didn’t say anything back. spineless.

ten minutes later everyone was acting as if nothing had happened. except me, I walked home and took a picture of the moon.

uni applications

applied to QTAC today! bachelor of psychology at two GU (griffith uni) campuses and UQ (university of QLD), behavioural science at GU and QUT (QLD university of technology), and bachelor of.. arts! at GU. I only applied for arts because you can select six and I wanted to fill them up.

when applying there is an option to take a standardised test (when you’re over 21 and your OP score doesn’t count anymore.. OP is your overall position compared to all the other students graduating in QLD that year) so I selected it. that’s on October 10th. I love standardised tests because I am great at them. I tend to get an IQ score of 10billion. but! as a psychology student, I am well aware that all IQ tests are capable of measuring is your ability to take IQ tests.

I booked tickets to see Powderfinger in November. ah, I am terrible! I nearly also booked to see The Whitlams onTtuesday, but that’s a school night. mmm.. i’ll have to check when i’m supposed to go down to Melbourne, ’cause I know that’s in November too..

paranoia

in Melbourne the word is “grouse,” in Darwin it’s “deadly” and in Cairns it’s “choice.” as in “whoa, that’s choice, man.” when I first moved here I had these pens that connected together, and the girl I was sitting next to grabbed them and exclaimed, “choice!” that’s the first time I heard it.. so I thought she was commenting on the uh.. choice of pens.

anyway! theducksvoice.org today. I should customise the forum better but i’m feeling flat, now.

I ended up not going to bed ’til around 6:30 this morning. I know i’ve probably said it before but no matter how i’m feeling, if I watch the Breakfast Club I feel three times better at least. my favourite part of any movie ever is in there, it’s when Mr Manilow’s eating an orange and pouring coffee at the same time. oh my god, I laugh like a hyena when I even think about it, let alone watch it. i’m laughing right now.

so I didn’t wake up until 1pm and when I did it was only because daydream wanted money to pay the guy who’d just fixed the doors that wouldn’t even shut, let alone lock, but now they both shut and lock. I don’t get (as) nervous about unlocked doors anymore.

I finally went to Centrelink and she said I have to lodge a form every fortnight, and I have to call them to tell them how much I made last month. pew. i’ll go in there again and tell them. oh! I went to the esplanade afterwards and there was this crazy guy feeding all these hundreds of crazy pelicans. I took about a billion pictures but haven’t downloaded them yet.

then, when I was walking back to Central, a girl i’d seen on the Esplanade was following me. I took all these sharp pointy turns and she really kept following me! so I stopped and sat on the ground and she walked past. and then! half an hour later I saw her again in Central!

I have a mobile phone, but don’t know my own number. I think that they’re used for sending signals so we can all be tracked. why else would they have suddenly become so popular over the past year? I mean even I have one and I hate the phone above almost everything.

my last entry was the 111th and I didn’t even notice!