mediocre

any minute now my mood will explode into something unpleasant. i’ve been too long in this room, rolling around on my slightly sweat-smelling sheets (I need to change them.. it’s been, oh, three months?) listening to old mix-tapes and sending things flying out of my head to swirl around near the ceiling like a black inverse cyclone waiting to descend. bah! if I could tell someone of my hallucinations while staring right into his or her eyes maybe they would use those eyes as a doorway out of my head and into his or hers. as though everything with a pair is an eye. after typing that I counted the keys on the keyboard and there is an even number, but what is a pair to I? the letter, that is.

I don’t imagine you have bouts of feeling everything you do is only mediocre, despite the amount of effort put into it. that you can do everything well, but nothing surpassing merely “good.” when this is the case, what can you do? what do you do? None of it. there will always be someone who can do a better job than you at it, even if they can do nothing else.

Faith, perseverance, dedication, ambition, passion.
I have devotion. Inspiration, belief, desire, humour, insight, hair.
Utopia, neuroticism, escape, the way things are.

we will learn some new skill every so often, such as sign language, calligraphy, sailing/piloting light aircraft, tightrope walking, teleportation, etc. we will expand, flourish, drink in the world and both laugh and cry every single day.

today I: woke to Buddha sucking my neck. wore my eyes with silver and pink. made fruit salad, ate sushi, withdrew $800. bought wrapping paper and a big red bow. bought The Bride Stripped Bare by Anonymous on impulse solely because it was by Anonymous. it is in the second person! I have never read a book in the second person (that wasn’t a choose your own adventure when I was 7), and it is done so well that I didn’t even notice it at first. I like it immensely so far.