all black

ah! Christmas. yes, I know, it’s coming. did you think for a second all those times the world was supposed to end that it would, or might? it’s supposed to end every new year
but I would pick christmas.

things I do not wish to remember I will not record.

I learnt to knit today, sitting on the floor with two books on the subject. staring at the diagrams I just couldn’t interpret them past a certain point, so did what felt familiar, and it worked. I spontaneously remembered my nanna Elaine, who’d taught me when I was 6, reciting a mnemonic device, about going over, under and through.. only she never taught me to cast on or finish off. i’d sit up in my electrically heated single bed all night and knit and end up with 4 rows done the next morning. she lovingly stuck glow-in-the-dark stars all over the ceiling for me which only succeeded in terribly frightening me, because as I stared at them they’d seem to grow closer/larger, and i’d hear my blood pressure in the feather pillow, which would sound like whispering. poppy Jack and his missing finger, making kites and going away balloons when i’d stayed with them for three months, going home badly spoilt. I think they both died of cancer because all their children died. they gave me a colouring book my father had used as a child that I still can’t believe.

besides learning to knit! a humorous friend of Sarah’s left over from the party followed me around for a while, said: that I would have 8 children. “where’s mine?” as I was feeding the dogs. he’d run away from home for a year and a half because “the world was fucked up and my head was fucked up.” would be seeing his brother this month for the first time in 6 years (after watching an interaction between Sarah and I). that my cat was a wild beast (who was viciously attacking my arm at the time), “that’s why I love him.”
“what are these sticks for?”
they look like drumsticks. i’ve never seen them before.
“but they have black on them.”
that doesn’t mean they’re mine.

that reminds me! how could I have forgotten. shopping at Smithfield today. as I was walking past two grey-heads at a booth, one called out, “have you spent more than twenty dollars?”
I stopped, reluctantly. “yes.”
well! I was filling out some entry form or other when one said, “you’re wearing all black.”
“we were up at the bookshop earlier,” said the other, “and there was a book on witches and witchcraft. you remind me of that book.”
I didn’t say anything.
“she looks like she should be in that show, with the guy with that thing through his head.”
“no, no. she’ll know what i’m talking about. you know what i’m talking about, don’t you, love?”
“Yes, you do! there’s a family, with a beautiful wife, and a small uncle. children..”
“the Addam’s family?”
“that’s it!”
“umm, ok.”
after asking if I always wear, will I always wear, why do I wear, she said: “i’ve a book, based on my day of birth, which says what colour I should wear each day. I should be wearing orange today, but I wanted to match my santa hat.” she was wearing red.
I stared at her. “do you always follow it?”

later on I was still thinking about it, wondering if the colours are weekly, or yearly, or forevermore. but she’d rattled off a fairly short list of colours, midnight blue being one.