x

think how happier I would be away from here. but there is always something to make you unhappy.
shame.

I was answering email when I started getting some messages from x, same tone as the past couple days. hateful, (attempting to be) hurtful, angry, snide, senseless. he’d been ignoring requests for his address, so i’d looked it up (secret internet-spy methods).
he said “no, that’s not right, i’ve moved recently.”

so. I called the number i’d found with it. he answered.
“I guess I had the right address after all,” I said.
“what?”
I laughed.
“what do you want?”
“I want your address.”
“what for?”
“to serve you divorce papers.”
he said something stupid, about me sending money for him to file, or something. “i’m not paying; you ripped me off.”
I said, “i’m going to send you a form. you just need to sign it and send it back.”
can’t remember what he said, but I remember thinking how very unintelligent he was being. “yes, that’s what I need your address for,” laden with .. something.
“you have the right address.”
“okay.”
he gave the state and zipcode, which I already knew.
I said “thank you,” and hung up.

I think he was shocked to .. have me call him. it’s the first time I ever have. it’s probably the first time i’ve called anyone for about a year. i’m terribly frightened of the phone. but I wasn’t. I didn’t get nervous, and didn’t stress about it for half an hour prior to calling. I found the number, thought “alright, i’m calling it, right now,” and did.
I think it’s because I knew I could be mean, if I wanted to. I didn’t have to be nice or polite or rehearse greetings. I didn’t have to make conversation or explain anything or answer any questions.
and, of course, I am invulnerable. there isn’t a single thing he could say that would affect me in the slightest. it’s remarkable. it’s fascinating. I wish I was that way with everyone. if I was I think I would quickly rise to the position of world dictator.

the most important thing is that I haven’t thought much about it at all today until now. i’ve been working, I cleaned, I wrote, I read, I had lunch, I went to the store, I took photos, I played with Lila.

and I love my 3 year old cousin. I am sometimes overwhelmed with the longing to kidnap her, buy her a million toys and feed her nothing but yoghurt and cheese and watch Bob the Builder all day long. her laugh is the most joyful thing I have ever heard, it comes from somewhere very deep inside her and vibrates for miles.