bugs & disembodied wings

ee! how behind on both my dailies I am. it’s because I haven’t been doing anything. because it is holidays.

it wasn’t as hot as usual, because it was raining. although I vigorously cleaned much of the house so got very hot anyway. then I went swimming, because the pool is cool when it’s cloudy. then it started raining again. when it rains all these funny little bugs come out of the grass and their wings fall off. so there were all these funny little bug wings in the pool.

I hate bugs and their disembodied wings in the pool. I spent an hour attempting to scoop them all out.

oh yeah, I was home all alone all day until 7pm! that was fun. I made jelly and watched Catch Me if You Can. two separate people on two separate occasions told me i’d love that movie. I didn’t.

werk stuf

my learner’s permit expires today.

my romantic literature lecturer still says hello with my name every time he sees me. he is dearly adorable. he once brought the first pictures his children ever drew to a lecture to point out that people always see eyes first.

i’ve been working on a new website for the business. i’ve already redesigned it twice.. but this one is the best. i’ll keep it. i’m doing a new and fancy order form. it is taking ages to get it right. I moved the billionaire’s sites to my good good server due to that downtime I mentioned.. and now he’ll be paying $30 per month, as opposed to the same per year. I have to get a new SSL certificate for the caravan park site; the place I got the old one from kept telling me it expires on the 20th when it expired on the 13th! but i’ve been trying to contact the owner for ages getting her to pay me, and she just never calls back, so she deserves an expired certificate. the matchmaker site guy sent an outraged email that his site was down, ’cause he happened to check it during the 2 seconds I was rebooting it after updating the kernel.
lol now I recall why I usually don’t record business stuff. I will re-adopt that habit.

daydream is away for five days getting his diver’s license. he had to pass a physical first. he failed it, the doctor saying that he would never have a licence, and Must always be accompanied by a special handicapped-diver attendee. so he went to another doctor and passed, not even for a handicapped licence, for a normal one.
mumm still isn’t letting him go on free diving trips without her, though. and since she can never go, neither can he.
it seems that people always assume doctors are male, unless it’s specified they’re female. both the doctors mentioned above were female.

before today (on an infomercial) I had never heard of newly married couples saving the tops of their wedding cakes to eat on their first anniversaries. I love newly married couples.

tree skeleton sky cutouts

I walked to the beach last night. walking along the promenade, black with pinpricks and rumbling flashes with tree skeleton sky cutouts, and um, waves roaring/whispering.. makes me feel..
uh. makes me feel.
like I did when I was ..
bah. anyway, wish I could record stuff like that.

and still haven’t slept. I lay down for a long time, and read a whole Piers Anthony book. wrapped presents. Sarah had another party, a bigger one, though she’d said it’d be smaller. at least it was a Saturday. they ate everything lol ..they cooked the ravioli for god’s ache. and some drunken one kept knocking on my locked door and mumbling my name with a teenaged-boy voice. I bet it was that same one. didn’t open it, obviously.

I do feel stupider than usual.
mumm told daydream what I was giving him for Christmas. I nearly got mad! how fun that would have been.

oh, I bought a giant my little pony. I know I said no more. I couldn’t help myself. it was giant! and pink! with a strawberry! and was $16! the small one was $20. so, you see, I had to. I will count how many I have tomorrow. and maybe take a picture. but you know I am half as love-ful of them as I was a few months ago. especially the new ones.

um? I talked to nanna Trish on the phone. half the conversation was about elephants. well, elephant penises. we’d both watched the same documentary. i’d never seen an elephant penis before. it does look like another trunk. she said she thought there was another elephant standing behind it. it wouldn’t’ve been so amusing if the elephant hadn’t been running around with elephant-babies chasing him thinking he was playing with them.

and mumm told me that when she was little, poppa Russell once pulled the chair out from nanna Trish as she was sitting down, so that she fell and hit her head on the bench behind and sat there and cried. she couldn’t remember what poppa Russell’s reaction was. i’ll email nanna tomorrow and ask if she remembers.
thinking about those two makes me so sad.

rinse, repeat

didn’t sleep! I knew i’d be going into town so by the time I thought of going to bed it was only briefly, then decided against, because it was 7am and I would have felt worse for 2 hours sleep. for a while this morning speaking was more difficult than usual. otherwise fine. except daydream said “are you up early, or are you still up?” and I said “it doesn’t matter.” mumm told me he later asked her if I was okay because i’ve been “worse than usual” to him.

livejournal comments from x! same unimaginative insults. for some reason he feels compelled to keep me updated about his funny little life. although this is the first time since he announced, dramatically as usual, that he would be suiciding. it is evil to think “I wish he had.”
I had posted a reply as hurtful as can be, but screened them both again within 5 seconds. ’cause he’d only post a million times if he saw I was paying attention. he also posted pictures of himself lol. why?!

went to get some Christmas things, i’ll still have to go back one more time. I hate shopping when everyone in the world is simultaneously shopping in the shop I am shopping in.

went, for some reason, to see Scary Movie 3 with Sarah. why, why would I do that? it was awful. horrible. the whole time was spent wanting to leave. afterwards I helped her find a gift for mumm and daydream, decision between a spaceship toaster or a winerack. a gift they gave her money to buy! they also gave her money to buy me one.

she is having another partie tonight. ee. the first one was bad enough. and the boy who hung around afterwards is beginning to unnerve me. yesterday on the bus I was staring at a grate rattling in the ceiling. he was two seats ahead of me but still managed to be facing me. in the corner of my eye he looked up, stood up, rummaged in his bag for something, came up with an empty Red Rooster box, tore a piece off, crumpled it up and wedged it between the grate and the ceiling. it didn’t work. then he tried conversation. that didn’t work, either.

the day after the partie, neighbour Sally came over supposedly to sell raffle tickets and weep about an unfairly failed exam. instead she complained about the partie noise for an hour.
“what I can’t understand is why a Monday night. people don’t HAVE parties on Monday nights. WHY Monday night?”
“it was her birthday.”
“I don’t fucking care! I might as well have been sleeping on your fucking porch!”
mumm said later, “i’d thought she was joking at first! I didn’t appreciate that at all.” [emphasis in original]

I will probably go to Atlantis for tea with mumm and daydream. don’t want to. if I hadn’t already seen a movie today (& one yesterday, which is still technically today), I would go and see one instead. I will probably need to sleep soon, though.

no rest for the excellent

“…he was wondering if love came in other colors than the basic black of none and the red heat of obsession.”

Semester 2 subject results have been postponed and will be released on Monday, 15 December 2003.
don’t know if I can wait that long! i’ve never been interested in my results before, usually completely forget to look and stumble upon them in students online while looking for something else. but i’ve worked harder this semester than I have in any other.
hmm. I could’ve failed the experiment design final and i’ll still pass that one.

someone found this daily by searching for “nanna poems for sick nannas” !!! I hope she gets better.
“his heart attacked him” also deserving of two !s.

I just smeared my eyeliner all over the place. you can tell i’ve written this entry over an entire night. well I went and saw s.w.a.t. … that was fun to type. the movie wasn’t that great.
it’s really really late. I won’t be sleeping.

ugh so hot

my doing anything is relatively improbable. it is very hot. the pool is also hot. it’s past midnight and it is still hot.

today I read a lot. watched care bear videos. made a new layout. learnt to purl. closed my US bank account. received an ebay skirt and a letter from centrelink informing me my youth allowance has been cancelled. ate about a billion tictacs and a vegemite sandwich cut into triangles.

a remarkable amount of business email/problems/emails concerning problems. only half of them are resolved, ’cause two servers are down, one for 13 hours and counting, and all I can do is wait, except I want to go to bed, although considering the prompt attention to server issues my provider has, there is a good chance they will still be down by the time I wake up. and three cancellations, unrelated to the downtime. some fan-site girl yelling at me for not fixing her blog.

Buddha continues to eat tinsel and vomit it back up.

all black

ah! Christmas. yes, I know, it’s coming. did you think for a second all those times the world was supposed to end that it would, or might? it’s supposed to end every new year
but I would pick christmas.

things I do not wish to remember I will not record.

I learnt to knit today, sitting on the floor with two books on the subject. staring at the diagrams I just couldn’t interpret them past a certain point, so did what felt familiar, and it worked. I spontaneously remembered my nanna Elaine, who’d taught me when I was 6, reciting a mnemonic device, about going over, under and through.. only she never taught me to cast on or finish off. i’d sit up in my electrically heated single bed all night and knit and end up with 4 rows done the next morning. she lovingly stuck glow-in-the-dark stars all over the ceiling for me which only succeeded in terribly frightening me, because as I stared at them they’d seem to grow closer/larger, and i’d hear my blood pressure in the feather pillow, which would sound like whispering. poppy Jack and his missing finger, making kites and going away balloons when i’d stayed with them for three months, going home badly spoilt. I think they both died of cancer because all their children died. they gave me a colouring book my father had used as a child that I still can’t believe.

besides learning to knit! a humorous friend of Sarah’s left over from the party followed me around for a while, said: that I would have 8 children. “where’s mine?” as I was feeding the dogs. he’d run away from home for a year and a half because “the world was fucked up and my head was fucked up.” would be seeing his brother this month for the first time in 6 years (after watching an interaction between Sarah and I). that my cat was a wild beast (who was viciously attacking my arm at the time), “that’s why I love him.”
“what are these sticks for?”
they look like drumsticks. i’ve never seen them before.
“but they have black on them.”
that doesn’t mean they’re mine.

that reminds me! how could I have forgotten. shopping at Smithfield today. as I was walking past two grey-heads at a booth, one called out, “have you spent more than twenty dollars?”
I stopped, reluctantly. “yes.”
well! I was filling out some entry form or other when one said, “you’re wearing all black.”
“we were up at the bookshop earlier,” said the other, “and there was a book on witches and witchcraft. you remind me of that book.”
I didn’t say anything.
“she looks like she should be in that show, with the guy with that thing through his head.”
“no, no. she’ll know what i’m talking about. you know what i’m talking about, don’t you, love?”
“Yes, you do! there’s a family, with a beautiful wife, and a small uncle. children..”
“the Addam’s family?”
“that’s it!”
“umm, ok.”
after asking if I always wear, will I always wear, why do I wear, she said: “i’ve a book, based on my day of birth, which says what colour I should wear each day. I should be wearing orange today, but I wanted to match my santa hat.” she was wearing red.
I stared at her. “do you always follow it?”

later on I was still thinking about it, wondering if the colours are weekly, or yearly, or forevermore. but she’d rattled off a fairly short list of colours, midnight blue being one.

Sarah’s birthday

Sarah opened my door to peek in, and my eyes opened from 1-second-ago deep sleep. she waved, so I waved back. she pranced in. “it’s my birthday! you’re supposed to wake me up!”
I made some noise. it takes me at least a couple minutes to become coherent. she turned off my air conditioner and started poking around.
I groaned under my pillow. “do you want your present?”
“get out and i’ll give it to you.”
“haha, you have to get up,” as she left.
as soon as she’d opened it I went back to bed for four hours.

I caught the bus to Uni, to pick up my lost lifespan assignment they’d found. i’d been worried because hanging around waiting for the stats exam to start, Michelle had invited herself to my table, after which crowds of people did the same. they’d all picked up their assignments already, and were complaining/bragging about grades.. Michelle only got a distinction, imagine! and of course accused Dionne of being nonobjective after their little spat. so she’d gone to Miranda about it, who said it was because she hadn’t added enough personal reflection.
“oh, yeah,” said the Canadian beard, “I got an HD and I had pages of opinionated personal reflection.”
uh oh, I thought. I hadn’t included any personal reflection, to my recollection. so I was thereon convinced i’d fail, and flipped open the report today with almost trembling hands. well, almost almost.
and! 84%. I was so glad not to fail. but why, why do I always get 1% below an HD?

as I was reading over her comments, I spotted something that really bugged me. she’d repeated several times throughout the semester how a scientist never says proved or disproved, but “supported” or “not supported.” yep, I know, first years know that.
so. in a critique of a newspaper article, i’d said, “[this article] in fact implies that the theory of personality stability after age 30 is an antiquated notion which has been ‘disproved’ by this study.”
she’d crossed out the word disproved, despite its quotation marks, and written “unsupported.” that stupid blind woman. the word disproved is what makes my point; unsupported makes it not even a point at all. she hadn’t even read it, just saw that forbidden word so only gave me a distinction.

but if I cared so very much i’d spend more than a day on assignments anyway.

I went into Shanti Shanti today to buy a necklace. the girl at the counter said “haven’t seen you for a while!”
she didn’t look the slightest bit familiar to me.

went to Bangkok Rose while Sarah had her party, but I ended up going home before it was over. stayed locked up and finished Bride. I couldn’t understand Theo at all, I wish I could know her. I hope she did commit adultery with Cole. disliked the author extremely by the end.


any minute now my mood will explode into something unpleasant. i’ve been too long in this room, rolling around on my slightly sweat-smelling sheets (I need to change them.. it’s been, oh, three months?) listening to old mix-tapes and sending things flying out of my head to swirl around near the ceiling like a black inverse cyclone waiting to descend. bah! if I could tell someone of my hallucinations while staring right into his or her eyes maybe they would use those eyes as a doorway out of my head and into his or hers. as though everything with a pair is an eye. after typing that I counted the keys on the keyboard and there is an even number, but what is a pair to I? the letter, that is.

I don’t imagine you have bouts of feeling everything you do is only mediocre, despite the amount of effort put into it. that you can do everything well, but nothing surpassing merely “good.” when this is the case, what can you do? what do you do? None of it. there will always be someone who can do a better job than you at it, even if they can do nothing else.

Faith, perseverance, dedication, ambition, passion.
I have devotion. Inspiration, belief, desire, humour, insight, hair.
Utopia, neuroticism, escape, the way things are.

we will learn some new skill every so often, such as sign language, calligraphy, sailing/piloting light aircraft, tightrope walking, teleportation, etc. we will expand, flourish, drink in the world and both laugh and cry every single day.

today I: woke to Buddha sucking my neck. wore my eyes with silver and pink. made fruit salad, ate sushi, withdrew $800. bought wrapping paper and a big red bow. bought The Bride Stripped Bare by Anonymous on impulse solely because it was by Anonymous. it is in the second person! I have never read a book in the second person (that wasn’t a choose your own adventure when I was 7), and it is done so well that I didn’t even notice it at first. I like it immensely so far.

nobody makes us wait

no sooner do the 17 year olds leave than mumm and daydream return home.
that unsentence makes non sense.

earlier, when I was comfortably curled up reading, the aforementioned 17 year olds, of which there were 3, all female, effervescing and overly blonde, dragged me out into the roaring rain to buy them alcohol. they skipped all the way, jumping in puddles and chattering at the tops of their voices:
1: i’m going to get four, no, six! green bundies!
2: oh my god, you’re going to be like, sick as.
3: nuh uh! i’m going to have some too!
2: well i’m getting four raspberry vodka cruisers.
3: get lemon ruskies!
2: no, they’re more expensive.
1: oh we should just get straight JD!
3: nuh uh! Lara told us last time you drank straight JD you puked for, like, ten hours straight!
1: what?! Lara wasn’t even there!
2: where?
1: Jared’s party the other night.
3: holy crap, you alcho! you drink, like, a bottle a night!
1: nah. I drink two.
2: that’s festo!
1: so we’re getting straight JD, yeah?
2 & 3: no!

me trudging sourly along behind, coughing and spluttering in the rain, ignoring any full-of-cheer comments yelled in my direction. when we arrived at the liquor store the girls hid ’round the corner, furtiveness making them twice as conspicuous. I saw that the store was closed. gosh. after all that excited buildup.
I sat on a bench out the front, laughing one “ha” every minute. I was there for around 10 before they came to find me.

I felt even better today, before the adventure in the rain. now i’ve gone back three days. oh,
daydream had asked me for the car keys. as I rummaged in my bag, he said, “thanks for folding the washing.”
I dropped the keys into his hand, said, “I didn’t do it for you,” and walked away.
I only realised later how mean that could have been taken, and probably was. I stressed about it for, like, ten hours straight.

silly Sarah

been feeling better today. I cleaned my room! and! cleaned out my drawers and filed all my old uni books and notes in a big box and put it in the shed. so now i’ve heaps of room!

this evening Sarah came storming at me for putting my black washing in on top of her white washing, thereby ruining her white washing.
I said, “but before I did my washing I took out all the washing that was already in there and put it in the dryer.”
she said, “I took the dry washing out of the dryer when I did my washing,” like I was very stupid, but I just couldn’t understand her point. (wasn’t she complaining about the washing machine? what did her little interaction with the dryer have to do with it? my little interaction with the dryer was pertinant, because it’s where i’d put the washing she seemed to be accusing me of just dumping my black washing on top of. how many loads of washing had been done today, anyway? does a washing machine have a limited number of washes in it, the way cells have a limited number of divisions?)
“um. there was nothing in the washing machine when I put mine in, because i’d taken it out.”
then she screamed, “when I put mine in at the beginning of tonight…!!!”
the beginning of tonight?
then I said, “Sarah. I did my washing this morning.”
she’d put hers in on top of mine, thereby ruining her own white washing. but just made a face and stormed off and slammed the door, like it was still my fault. later she said it was my fault for leaving my washing in the bottom. I apologised, then stabbed her 89 times in the stomach with an umbrella sharpened to a deadly point.