today i’ve just been tired. and now.. thinking of everything that is wrong. so everything seems wrong. so i’d like the universe to explode now, please. while i’m awake, if possible.
now. now.
stupid universe.

care bear!

Sarah got me a care bear! yay!

but. there is so much I won’t be able to take with me. why do I have so much stuff? what is my obsession with stuff?┬álike my little ponies. and buddha statues. and all the things hanging from the ceiling. and mannequins! how stupid.
just today I bought a little twisted whisker cat. but it was so soft and cute!

that’s one of my first stages of change things. continuous collection of worthless junk. I promise all the time to stop.
well? this time I will really stop.

Sarah has an interview with Pink accessories tomorrow. it’s a stupid little shop in the mall that sells hairclips and hats and purses and toesocks. I bought my toesocks there. and only wore them once. they’re in my stuff I never wear drawer now.
well I have three of those drawers.
I got sidetracked. I was going to say, hurrah! Sarah has a job interview. she had been talking about moving to Brisbane and living with me. without actually asking if i’d want. her to live with me.

I don’t know how I feel

i’ve hardly been sleeping, and I don’t know why. I don’t know how I feel.
oh &! when I did sleep? I woke shivering with tears, but don’t remember.

well. I accomplished lots of business stuff today, which made me feel better.
though i’m still not finished. feeling unfinished is worse than not having started, I think.

with a beanie

there are many, many things for which I am only in the first stage of change.

went out for dinner with mumm today. O how she will miss me, she says every day, for she truly believes I am her soul partner. we’re a lot closer than .. hmm. I think i’m closer to her than she is to anyone else. but I often think that although she must know me best out of everyone who knows me, there is so much she doesn’t.
but then! at Lunico, where we went for dinner. upon walking in I immediately noticed the bartender, but after a cursory glance I didn’t look at him once the entire night. until! she said after ordering, “the bartender looks like someone you would be interested in.”
! that is the second time she’s done it. picked exactly the type of person I would be interested in, if I were to be interested in people. but she hasn’t actually met anyone i’ve .. been interested in. well, one or two. who were of different type!
“how do you know who i’d be interested in?!”
“I don’t know, I just have this idea. tall, thin and grungy. with a beanie.”
k, don’t know where she got the beanie from.
but I was very careful to not look at him at all, after that.


today I did everything I had scheduled! for today. most notably: I sent my forms and dyed my hair.
i’m so relieved the forms are sent. and they’ll get there in time.

slept 8 hours. ate: 1 ktime bar, 1 pita wrap, penne. and some grapes.

over a year ago mumm mentioned to Nanna Cutts in a restaurant that I was on a diet.
“Good for her,” was nanna’s automatic reply.
nevermind the fact that she’d commented the day before on how thin I was. it’s always good for a girl to be trying to lose weight. even if she ought to be on a diet to gain weight. ’cause that’s what diet means, now: trying to lose weight. that’s what she assumed it meant.

I don’t understand her. I don’t understand how someone like her could be mother to nanna Trish. I couldn’t love my Nanna Trish more. in Brisbane i’ll visit her lots.
plus i’ll get to ride the train for an hour to her house. yay! train!

of course, a lot of bad mothers have perfectly wonderful children. so. my hair is made of worms.


so! happy australia day. I nearly said christmas. wrote.. typed.
I slept! a significant amount. but woke up with my headache worse. but now it is gone! it disappeared sometime this afternoon after 30 ibuprofens.

gosh gosh gosh. it is so very warmmm. there have been big storms.
it hails in Brisbane, you know, my nanna’s car smashed and crumpled from hail.
ee. I am funny today.

tomorrow i’ll go to uni. to pick up my forms. then send them express.
then, if it isn’t raining, which it likely will be, i’ll try sunbathing again.
then i’ll dye my hair. but i’ve been saying that every day.

right now i’m going to go down to the shopping centre and tax some milk crates, since it is the DEAD OF NIGHT and every one’s abed. dark air dissolves like acid’s paper.


5 hours sleep seems to be my limit
headache, silence, solitude.
and storms. headache and monsoon go well. humidity, it’s hard to breathe.

booked my flight to Brisbane for the 21st, only $90 one way.
damn tomorrow. I sent an official academic transcript request and meant to pick it up and mail it, it needs to be there before the end of this month. but it’s Australia day!

so, instead:
dye my hair
solid black or red boxer shorts, they must exist, and I will find them
that means going into town, and that means
movie! last week I went twice despite there being nothing on, and now there are two things on and i’ve been in town every day but haven’t gone.

oh yes, daydream’s been offered a job in California. they’ve offered $70,000, he’s going to ask for $75, and if they agree he’ll take it. can you believe that? right after I move, for god’s ache. they’re going over there this April, anyway, to visit people. he and mumm.

took a quick look at job ads in Brisbane, and now I want to be an audio transcription typist.


oh dear, I left this day too late, and now can’t remember anything about it, even with these stupid notes I left:

town – pants, bra, shoplifter

bus – sinfully late
movie – rescheduled
cafe – people stare! at each other over cups of chocolate pretending it’s coffee.

somewhere to live

my hands seem larger than usual. but! so does anything when you stare at it 4395866 hours in a row.
I haven’t been able to sleep. I go to bed around 1am and to sleep around 5, every night for four nights, and the last three waking permanently up 3-4 hours later.

I found somewhere to stay, a student lodge type place. i’ve a room in a 4-room apartment for $160 a week. she said, is this your first year?
I said, yes, without really thinking.
oh, i’ll be sure to put you in with someone fun then.
oh, no, I thought. I don’t want fun people. I want silent people.
so I have to send $890 so she’ll save it, because by the time I get down there everything will be taken.

finally got around to my day of distraction! but nothing noteworthy happened. mmm. um. had miso soup. I love soup. if someone is ahead of me on an escalator (otherwise I walk) I stand to one side so people can pass me (I mean, I don’t pass people, I don’t like to get that close, but it’s okay when others pass me), and if the person ahead of me isn’t standing to one side, the passer breathes down his or her neck until he or she moves aside; what I was going to say was that 15 people passed me today all in a row, and the person ahead, who wasn’t initially standing to the side. saw a goanna crossing the highway. walked the dogs and Lila jumped on an obese lady; I said sorry, but she wouldn’t look at me, just mumbled and kept walking. watched several 10-minute chunks of Finding Nemo. bought my third red article of clothing. Sarah wore my clothing and left it in a wrinkly pile on the floor. lol

started reading The Children’s Bach, or whatever it’s called.. and will now likely finish it.


spent all day reading shared accommodation ads. I hate shared accommodation. I hate accommodation. I hate Uni. I hate life. k bye.

jewels in my mouth

unpacked today! only because it was impossible to get from my bed to the door without stepping on big piles of stuff.
the pool is cool from all the rain, so I swam, and sunbathed for 10 minutes. so i’ve a slight tan. I just can’t lie there for much longer than.

watched movies, although they were ones Sarah had rented: American Pie 3 and The Sweetest Thing. I couldn’t watch all of either of them, especially the latter. terrible. &! read Angela’s Ashes. it’s reasonably good, but entirely empty, except for one bit about Shakespeare’s words being like jewels in his mouth. i’ve now a faint desire to watch the movie, but too faint to actually go out and rent it.

oh, Sarah. since she didn’t get into Uni and is not sure what she wants to do, she’s applied for a traineeship. you work and go to class once a week and finish with a certificate in what you’ve been working in, as well as the work experience. the woman who interviewed her said she’d be best suited to fashion retail. and Sarah cried. I suppose she’d hoped to be destined for bigger things than fashion retail. I told her that after she has the certificate she can apply to Uni again for fashion design.

only slept 3 hours. I don’t know why I was able to daysleep yesterday, because I can’t usually, and couldn’t today. I had a two-hour nap later, but forgot to turn on the air conditioner, so woke very uncomfortable.
i’m a hot sleeper.


I ended up going to sleep around 5am, and getting up at 1pm.
went for a walk through the far too hilly, rainy, hot suburbs of Trinity Beach. filled out forms for Uni.
Griffith has about 4325896 campuses around Brisbane for all its different degrees. so I can’t have any interesting electives because they’re all at different campuses. Mt Gravatt basically only has psychology, criminology/law and theatre.
i’ve already done more than enough electives, but don’t want to transfer them because on a lot of them I only got credits. of all of my flaws, I despise my .. I don’t know what to call it. lack of effort in everything I do. lackadaisicalness.

so i’m hereby making a new year’s resolution. I will maintain a 5.5 GPA.
currently it’s 5.125, because I only got a pass in visual arts, and a pass conceded (which is technically a fail) in environmental science. but i’m certainly not transferring credit for those, so it’ll go up!

tired =/= sad

home, i’m home, again. i’m so tired. oh, it’s 2:10am, and I was rudely awakened at 6am to pack to leave.
was bored and uncomfortable again on the flight home! what is wrong with me!

strange: an American boy sitting rows back would come up to a row two ahead to stand and talk with another American (their voices are very loud). every time I looked, he would wave. and he would continue waving until I waved back, even if I didn’t wave back for 5 minutes. I quickly learnt to not look. but then out of the corner of my eye I would see he was waving anyway!
he also waved when I walked past his home row to the bathroom, again when I walked back, and again after disembarking, across the baggage carousel.
I hope I never see him again.

I dearly missed Buddhe. he attacked me when I walked in.
and the birds must have laid their eggs, because one was in the nest when we got home, and one is still in it.

Griffith. I don’t want to go, now. i’ve sent for an accommodation application, $191 per week on campus.
but I wouldn’t stay there, just until I found somewhere else. that I could keep a buddha.
I don’t know. i’m sad. but i’m tired.

family <3

finally! something grand. Sue, Dean, Chris, Sharnee and Missie came down from Williamstown to see Sarah and I. Sharnee is 5 and Missie is 4, and I had never met either of them. Chris (my cousin, there are so many Chrises) I hadn’t seen since he was about 12; he’s now 16. he was like our brother for five years growing up, but barely said two words to us today..

Sue is slightly frantic, because.. I shouldn’t post it. but it’s so funny.
Chris lives with his father most of the time. he told Sue that a friend had stayed over.. while his dad was out.
Oh.. where did he sleep? she asked.
With me, was his answer.
Oh.. you mean head to toe? she asked.
No, was his answer.
Oh. Well, did you do anything? she asked.
Yes, was his answer.
oh my, mymy. he told her they’d given each other head. I knew it. I knew it when he was only 8 years old.

she’s frantic because
1. her twin brother, Anthony, is gay, and suffered lots of abuse.
2. her husband, Dean, is a speck-minded fag-hatin’ yobbo.

well anyway, today was the best day yet. I love the girls. they were so, so! I was so shy at their age. they had arguments over who’d sit on my lap. they leapt on us with rib-crushing hugs when it was time to leave, demanding to know when they’d see us again. they will certainly be my photo for today.