mmm, notable today. back in Geelong. took the ferry to Sorrento. it was miserably cold (for which I came unprepared) and rainy; perfect ferry weather. dolphins escorted it, and the water was so clear. cold water must be clearer, I think.

found a perfect telephone in an antique shop. but! with great strength of character I refrained from purchasing it.

Sarah and I go unpredictably from cold shoulder to hilarious in 5 seconds flat, 99 times per day. it’s exhausting.
it’s horrible, horrible of me, because she was so disappointed, and I do so want her to be happy, but a tiny whimpering part of me is glad she won’t be coming to Brisbane this year. I know she’d want to live with me, and she breaks me.
I love her, of course. especially when she sucks her thumb. but i’d like to not see her until she’s an adult.
not that I am an adult.     .. .

still in Melbourne

slept in! I love hotel rooms and could just live in them forever. although I suppose everyone could. had fruit salad and a croissant at buffet breakfast. then! caught the tram! O I love the tram. it took an hour to circle the city and get off where I’d gotten on. then I wandered about staring.

the buildings are all so old, reminding me of Yale, one had been built in 1850 (old for Australia, I should’ve said, super-old for Queensland, where nothing is over 100). and Melbourne has so many parks, the streets are wide and lined with trees and trams.
I love trams.

bought some shoes, oh ho, hee hee, ha ha. got lost in arcades and alleyways, peeking into tiny apartment windows with flowerboxes, everything much more interesting and colourful. Westgate Bridge, Flinders street station, and a million other things I recognised on sight but wouldn’t otherwise have remembered. I desperately wanted to visit Williamstown, but did not.

the landscape, outside of city, is so different, like a different country. flat and gold with skeleton trees. it is so dry down here.

in Melbourne

city today! to stay the night and do lots of shopping and take lots of photos. only, of course, I forgot my camera cable so I couldn’t download them to take more. ee. so I just had to delete some (hopefully) non-essential ones (it’s so hard to tell on the LCD) and fill it to the brim.

went to Chadstone shopping centre, which is about 99 times the size of Cairns Central. there were rows and rows of surfie shops, all Sarah’s style, and I was a bit horrified. but then there was a whole wing of designer shops and my style, so yay. $100 ankle length skirt (it took a lot of looking, there being surprisingly few black ankle length skirts in the world) and a long flipsy coat. tomorrow I will look for some shoes.

then! to the casino. i’ve never understood the attraction my family has to casino, both sides, they’re addicted to poker machines and such. tonight was the first time i’ve ever had fun doing so myself! although by the end of the night I had consumed:
1 classic margarita
1 midori splice
2 bourbon&cokes
3 lemon ruskies
and would probably have had heaps of fun doing anything at all. overall I put $30 into the machines and walked out with $40. also spotted the most gorgeous boy i’ve ever seen in my life, and stalked him for about 10 minutes until I spotted a pokie with fairies and frogs. I pick them by how prettie they are.
the machines, I mean. 🙂

dad &

k, sick of this now. would like to .. uh 🙂 fly.
I get along fine with my father. I can answer questions about future plans, laugh at unfunny jokes and make my own and eye contact. he hugs me goodnight and I don’t mind. he’s said “I love you,” at least once (although I said nothing).

we met his fiance today, although we wouldn’t know it if we hadn’t overheard her talking to Kaye, his cousin, about trying to find an engagement ring. she’s very nice.
k, I have to say it. when I glanced at photographs of her around the house I initially thought they were of me. she looks a lot like me. made scarier than it really is because she today was wearing all black, though she said she doesn’t usually.

Clifton Springs

today has been very strange. we woke up and mumm had messaged us both, because she found out our University offers last night. we couldn’t because of dad not having a phone line. so.
Sarah didn’t get in. she knew weeks ago she’d been accepted to JCU Townsville but didn’t really want to go there (she calls it bumtown, despite the Powerpuff girls living there). I guess now she’ll have to, or nothing.
I, on the other hand, got accepted to my first preference, Griffith in Brisbane. I hadn’t expected to get accepted to any at all, let alone my first preference, since it’s so competitive. I suppose that top 2% thing wasn’t a mistake after all.

but i’ll think about that later. today! breakfast, which would never have happened under any other circumstances but staying with someone i’m uncomfortable around. then a drive to Clifton Springs and Ocean Grove, where I was a kid. gosh. talk about flashback. it was so very strange. when something has existed for so very long in your memory it’s like it couldn’t possibly actually exist anymore. only it does, and it’s not much like the version in your memory.

we went past my nanna Trish’s old house, which was exactly how I remembered it, only a miniature version. I remember running along her porch and it seemed to go forever. it’s actually rather short! and the house in Clifton Springs I lived in until grade 5. a tree he’d planted when it was first built has since grown to gargantuan proportions. the playground nearby: upon seeing it I remembered the shoe slide, with huge rope shoelaces, even though it’s now gone. and Our Lady, Star of the Sea, my primary school. I wouldn’t have recognised it at all, not because it’s changed, just because my memory doesn’t work. but I remember so very much..

Mexican lunch and a barbeque dinner. I’ve eaten so much today I feel quite odd. Sue rang, she’s coming down Sunday arvo, hurrah.
I said arvo. what an Ozzie I am.


in Melbourne! well, Geelong, actually, but I call it all Melbourne.

when we got to the airport to leave we saw that the departure time for the flight was 11:20, despite our itinerary saying 10:20, so we had heaps of time. I tried to be nice to daydream, who was driving us around, because I noticed Sarah being consistently bad to him.. how does he enjoy life with three bitchie females?

well, I ordinarily look forward to flights so, and enjoy them heaps. i’ve always wanted to just fly around the world, visit every city, not even leaving the airports, just because I enjoy flying so much. the little meals, the award-winning in-flight entertainment, changeovers and finding your seat, hoping no one’ll be sitting next to you. but I didn’t this time. I just wanted to get there, I was bored and uncomfortable. maybe it means i’ve grown.

daydream was supposed to ring ahead and let dad know that we’d be arriving an hour late, only he didn’t :/
after collecting our luggage dad said to me, that a computer? gesturing to my laptop case. when I said it was, he said, you don’t need a phone line for that, do you?
yes, I do, I said. to go online.
uh oh!
yeah, he has no phone line. and I was dreading life with one! I never imagined he’d have nothing at all. my poor customers. he said he’d take me to an Internet cafe tomorrow. I dickheadedly said I’d only need to go every second day, because I felt bad…
but there’s no use worrying about it!

his house is so.. quaint. all the houses here are great, because they actually look nice. they’re not just the cyclone-stablest possible solution of cement blocks, like in Cairns. gosh, I hate Cairns houses. the old Queenslanders are awesome, but they’re all old, they don’t make them anymore, and they’re all being torn down or renovated.

he has Foxtel, so we’ve just been watching that for ages. it’s a running joke. couch potatoes. we both are, Sarah and I, although I am well aware of its many, many evils.


my nanna every now and then sends me instalments for her biography, lots of anecdotes and things about life 60 years ago. they’re just the most fascinating thing ever. her family, her mother especially, was so terribly cruel to her.

that reminds me. they had another beach barbeque. I made it quite clear that I didn’t wish to attend. they made me. I sincerely hope it doesn’t become a regular occurrence. but that’s not what I was reminded of.
while at the beach, there was a fat sarong’d woman with her mongrelish dog tied up in the playground. he whined constantly, so after about an hour she took him down to the beach and let him off the lead for a swim. he almost immediately got into a vicious fight with another dog. the sarong’d woman stood on the beach and watched. when the owner of the second dog came running up, she threw her hands up and said “I can’t do anything!” I think she just didn’t want to get her sarong wet.
anyway, second-dog-owner ran out into stinger-infested waters to pull the dogs apart, which he couldn’t do. every time he got his dog away the other dog would come after it. so he finally took his dog out into deep water so the sarong’d woman’s dog couldn’t reach them. at this point sarong’d woman finally hitched up her sarong and went after her dog, dragging him out of the water. the other guy went up the beach a bit before coming out of the water, and carefully looked over his dog for fang-inflicted injuries.
by now sarong’d woman had got the lead back on her dog. she took the end of it and, using it like a whip, lashed the dog over and over, across his back. she stopped to talk to someone, and I sat back down, after jumping up to run over and yell at her. 5 minutes later she started again, this time lashing at his head.
the other dog owner yelled at her from up the beach a bit, “there’s no need to bloody whip him like that!” then ensued a 10 minute long argument which I was too far away to hear, ending with the guy stalking disgustedly off down the beach.
sarong’d woman came back up to the park and tied her dog in the playground for another few hours.

what else. Roger had said a few weeks ago that if there were ever spare seats on one of his helicopter flights out to the reef, he’d ring me. so i’ve been breathlessly waiting. and he rings today, of all days, when I am far too busy to go. but I am usually never busy!
oh, yes, he got his old job back, but being paid far, far less. I think it was all a scheme to just pay him less. part of his new contract is that he exhibit appropriate behaviour towards co-workers, or something.

today I prepared for my week-long visit to Melbourne, leaving tomorrow. am ambivalent about it.
and I watched a documentary on killer ants. one species, in South Africa, killed people by “suffocation and invasion of the lungs.” ee.

my name ain’t Joshie

got a lot done! business stuff, mostly, that i’d been putting off. it’s a relief.
one of my servers has been continually failing. terribly. but i’ve only lost one customer.
and I know, I know, that something will go wrong while i’m in Melbourne. i’ll have my laptop, but I will probably only be able to check email once a day or so. and i’ll have to get someone to check my pobox and tell me if cheques or anything arrive.

I made a lovelie new forumm theme for xentrik. since one day hundreds of people will be using it and there will be thousands of posts.
there will!

Ronnie came running to say bye, “bye Joshie!” I blew her a kiss and she blew one back. she is the darlingest kidd.
except she made me read her the same book 259864 times in a row.

yo it’s 2004

I still accidentally type/write 03. but everyone does that for at least January.

mumm desperately doesn’t want Sarah or me (again) to leave (she says something about it every day). so much so that she suddenly wants to have another child.
problems with her having another child:

  1. she’s too old. as a result of various famous people waiting until their forties to have children, many people think that it’s entirely possible, for everyone. it isn’t. plus there are increased health risks for both mother and child. plus she’s over the legal age limit for adoption (and you have to have been married for 5 years. don’t even get me started on that).
  2. she’s infertile. it runs in the family. it took five years and chemical assistance for her to fall pregnant with Sarah.
  3. daydream’s muscular dystrophy, I think it is, is a dominant gene. if the baby inherited it, its life expectancy would be about 30.

she first told me about it a couple of days ago, and we’ve talked about it since, looked into options, etc. then daydream told her today he didn’t want children.

ah, the uncompromising daydream.

  1. mum misses Melbourne and her family down there terribly. she wants to move back. daydream doesn’t want to move.
  2. mumm has big trouble with the 40degree heat. her house isn’t air conditioned, only the office and bedrooms are. she desperately wants to have the house air-conditioned. daydream doesn’t want to. daydream spends all day, every day in the air-conditioned office. why would he need an air-conditioned house? 🙂

ah. okay. I usually remove stuff like that, once i’ve written it. but nothing happened today, and I can’t have no entry!
not that I write stuff like that often. ahem.


because I could, I got a lift into town today, though I didn’t know what for. I mean I didn’t have to do anything. I just wanted to leave the house, and my bedroom smelling of turpentine. oils take days to dry. it’s infuriating.

so I went wandering and window-shopping. window-shopping turned into actual shopping, and i’m afraid I spent lots of money, despite resolving not to. most of it on a single outfit. it’s a very nice outfit! just expensive. and too fancy for every-day, except I never wear anything but every-day. so i’m dumb.

but I also got a book called Top Australian Short Stories, or something. didn’t I buy Angela’s Ashes a while ago? I can’t find it.
and went to see Lost in Translation, (sucked. added 26/09/2010: omg wut. I fucking love that movie. did I really not like it? inconceivable!). that reminds me:

  • today an old man, tufts of white fairy floss on an otherwise shiny noggin, two rows ahead of me, started to snore. after every buzzing exhale the entire cinema erupted in giggles. it only happened two and a half times – the giggles woke him up.
  • another man, just now, lying on the grass using his dog as a pillow, head slightly trampolining with every dog-breath. he lifted it (his head) to check his watch, and the dog shifted position. when he let his head drop to find this, he reached up and rolled the dog back, to rest his head again.
  • as I take photos of everything around her (a couple doing yoga, kids kicking a pink football, pigeons ritually dancing, dog-pillows, etc), a redheaded girl in a bikini every now and then eyes me warily. I think if I were male she’d jump up and slap my face.

love fish

I just sickened myself on sugar-free gum.
I read Self by Yann Martel, I suppose now i’ll have to read Life of Pi. I loved the idea of eyes thick with love fish, of course I did. the book itself was kind of pointless, but.. well they all are, so.

in the car we were talking about currencies, because of the US$3 i’d requested. she said a Scottish woman came in with Scottish pounds. she asked, “does Ireland have Irish pounds, then?” and found out that Ireland is on the Euro. then she said something daydream (a European) had said, about how England should be fenced off from Europe and impenetrable, and the Scottish woman said, “well I hope he doesn’t include Scotland in that!”
she told me that story, then that Scotland and England hate each other. “although it’s the same everywhere, like Cairns and Townsville, or Australia and New Zealand.”
“yeah,” I said, “but those are good-natured hatreds.”
she asked me to repeat it two times before she understood. then I repeated it the rest of the way home. good-natured hatreds. good-natured hatred.


spent the day sick, in misery. resolved to stay on endep forever, and pray I never become accustomed to it, immune. what else have I?
my lips are red rotten, I have bitten them to blood.

my divorce forms arrived, finally, finally. i’ll send them the second my mother brings me three US dollars, to include as postage fare for him to send them back. if he doesn’t send them back I will loathe him forever. i’ll stalk out his grave to spit on.

the hearing is scheduled three months away. after that, a month and a day.

0 seconds ago

read Forbidden Love today, which could possibly have made me cry were I human.

lately during the afternoons I lie down for hours, half fall asleep then wake again, half dazelie dreaming but not actually sleeping. my bedroom smells like turpentine, everyone says when they open the door, but I don’t notice it.

Buddha got out a few days ago and managed to kill a lizard. he’s constantly chasing lizards inside, but they’re always high up on the walls. he realised that there are lots more accessible lizards outside, so suddenly is frantic to get out there. he yowls a lot, prowling from door to door, lying in wait for someone to open one.

I am a misery. I don’t know why I am alive. lol

movies is all I do

a customer, today, used a very underhanded and transparent scheme to get their money back. and I let them, I gave it back, though I could easily have said no. I even wrote out a long-windedly polite no. but I didn’t send it, I sent a short but still polite “very well,” and felt sad all morning. then I felt fine, and now I feel sad again, but for a different reason.

I ran out of endep today, again (prompting thoughts of responsibility, or ir), but feel as though I haven’t been taking it for weeks.
which doesn’t mean i’m feeling bad. just .. well. I don’t know. that’s it.
well at the moment I feel bad. but ordinarily I wouldn’t. I haven’t felt bad, just unstable.

I watched Identity today. I like to watch movies with Sarah, because we find the same kind of thing amusing, and make funny comments all the way through it. yesterday, I forgot to say, I went to see Brother Bear with her.

mm hmm yeah.