four movies

well, guess what! I went to sleep at around 4am, which is usual.. and woke up at 11am. which is not! but I woke up so very tired, so an hour or so later I went back to sleep, and woke up at 3pm. then I got up and watched 28 Days and ate half a lettuce. then I went to lie down some more and slept again until 6pm. then got up, but only for about 5 minutes because Katrina & co. were here. so I went to lie down again but didn’t sleep again, just comfortably thought lots of things.

I came out again before they left, they’d stayed for dinner, and watched Monsters, Inc. with Ronnie, who insisted I compliment her new pink sandals every ten minutes. then they left, and I watched Hackers. by the time that was over, everyone was in bed, and I watched Single White Female. that’s four movies!

so today was pretty brilliant. I dreamt a lot, but can’t remember any of it.. and one I really want to, because I can tell it was nice. and! I finally caught up on all my dailies, and barely missed a day all the way back from January 23rd. yay me.
feel so much better, air tastes like sugar.


misery! malady. melancholy. desolation, despair, despondency, distress, disquietude. anguish, grief, sorrow, woe. solicitude.
lurking, languishing, seething with glistening eyes, listening.
urgency. inadequacy. impotence.
I GROW BY THE second. it’s ok, every second of now leads to the future.

I can’t talk about how I feel because i’m really lousy at describing it. it doesn’t seem to fit all those commonly used descriptions. it’s like anxious, nervous, insecure, excited, annoyed, uncomfortable, angry, disappointed, grateful, embarrassed, mischievous, envious, surprised, confused, frustrated, intimidated and relieved don’t really fit the things I feel, I just have to guess at what’s closest. but sometimes it’s nothing like any of those, and i’ve really no idea what it is, other than whether it’s good or bad.
that’s how i’ve been feeling lately. like I don’t know how, only that it’s bad.

so despite my pill, no sleep spied as yet. I think this is my new record, because i’ve lost count. I feel desperately like twirling, but begin to tremble after three measly steps! an ice age is coming. i’ve been singing. I scowled at a driver for pausing to let me cross the road.. crossed my arms and refused to budge.

Saturday = Bronwyn and mumm for coffee day.
Bronwyn is a remarkable lady. when I first met her I thought she was .. coarse. but she is just very honest.
I genuinely like her.
she said today that I am a lot nicer than I used to be.
..that’s not why I like her.

things I have to do this week:

  • make a doctor’s appointment for prescription type stuff.
  • burn my CDs for mumm.
  • call the ANZ to reset my forgotten password.
  • call Sally and ask her for Malcolm’s number.
  • call Malcolm and ask if I can use him as a reference.
  • finish the business website changes.. FAQ, mirror site, nameserver tutorials? if I leave it till after i’ll never get it done.
  • unenroll from JCU! imagine two HECS debts, you procrastinating thing.
  • inform centrelink of my change of address.
  • get mumm’s name put on my po box.
  • stop my recurring board payments to her! gosh, hadn’t thought of that.
  • um.. pack.

probable that i’ve forgotten a dozen things.

god is dead and no one cares

today I watched The Breakfast Club. it is impossible
it would be impossible
to watch that movie and not feel better.
sorry. I know I well know. but it is uncanny.

I also watched The Mexican.
hmm. i’m thinking. I found my credit transfer results. they gave me credit for subjects I didn’t want credit for.
I called my orthodontist and he said to just come up and see him during holidays. since i’ve already paid him in full. i’ve six months left at least.

ah, to sleep a whole night. I have decided to take a pill.

i’m just so detached. it’s dangerous, for me most of all.
but what was my trigger?
I don’t really care. it is pleasant, and safe, for me.
most of all.
never mind.


I finally thought.. yes. finally!
um. to check whether or not credit for my degree so far had been accepted. I logged in to find i’d been unenrolled from my first year classes, which means it had. but it didn’t say.. anything. so I thought they must’ve sent a letter. so I went to check the po box (it was 2am, so I took a dog, and she got muddy pawprints all over the carpet) and they had send a letter, which said to log in and check online. where it doesn’t say anything..
so I enrolled for second year stuff anyway. and it all sounds horrid. I hate psychology.

… ,
the babies have recovered, they fling their mouths out the door when the nest is knocked (not that I go around knocking nests…) and their parents still love them and sit on them.
me, me, still can’t sleep.. but I love this face :T
:T :T

ah. this is why I haven’t been updating.

dreams in which i’m dying

my sister made me cry today. dear oh dear oh dear. no one Makes me cry. I shut myself away until everyone’d gone to bed. i’d thought it must’ve just been because of the past week or two, but! I remembered i’d gotten my period today. when I checked my email, mumm had sent me Mad World. dreams in which i’m dying are the best i’ve ever had.

my eyes are a bit stingy.

the cyclone isn’t a cyclone anymore.

the sunbird nest fell down. I pegged it back up, but the babies weren’t moving much. I don’t know if the parents have come back since.

oh, I just checked, and it is a cyclone again. but it’s past us now.

puckered pale

today mumm took me to Kuranda. i’d said offhandedly that i’d visit it before I left, so Sarah and she decided! to take me for me. it’d been simply pouring for days, a nearby cyclone, so the fact that it was today didn’t seem much of an obstacle. I was very glad I wasn’t driving, though, the road up the mountain is small and winding, and foggy with sheets of water and cloud.

we went to Barron Falls. it wasn’t really raining when we got there, so we walked all the way down to the lookout. the waterfall wasn’t too impressive, because we’d been expecting it to be huge after all the rain and flooding. but as we were looking at it it started to rain again, pouring again. mumm had an umbrella, and she and Sarah huddled under it. I said i’d go back to the car and unlock it while they tried to get there dry. it’s a long walk to the carpark.. within 5 seconds I was thoroughly drenched. I was scared the whole way that my camera would get wet. the walkway was a flowing torrent. they arrived at the car half an hour after, also thoroughly drenched.

then, of course, she decided to stop at Smithfield to buy things. still drenched, air conditioning numbed my fingers and gave me spasms. by the time I got home and showered and crawled into bed I was puckered pale. but I was half-laughing.

Big Fish

well. went to see Big Fish, about time, &! liked it, liked it, liked it. it’s the idea of being in love after so many many years, until death; and how very sad! to have been in love until death. that makes me cry, too.

actually watching movies is all I did, even sleeping. Fame, which I also liked. some funny movie about Jack the dead ripper, possessing his daughter every time she was kissed.


I don’t want to hurt, but I do.
how ambiguous is that?
I don’t want to be hurt, that is easy, because someone can’t BE hurt.
but being scared of being hurt is being hurt.
hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurthurt.
heart hurt, womb wounded,
pain, sickness and death.

you don’t Turn into a girl to Fuck a girl. ah, the things it could stand for are absurd.
I am sure that every woman, after she was raped, wished she was a man. and would she rape?

uh,.. trust. yes, it’s mistrust, it must be. I don’t understand it,


election day.. I voted for no one. what a waste of resources, all us mindless people, making our way to polling booths to VOTE FOR NO ONE. I hope they smother in mountains of unmarked ballots.

I checked my spam filter.
I do so every week or so, a quick glance through, to see if it’s misclassified anything.. although i’ve probably missed dozens of terribly important final notices, or something.
so, anyway? I noticed that x has been sending me at least one email a day? deleted on subject-line sight, of course. the last one i’d read had been the most deathly vicious diatribe! I don’t believe such as he can really exist. and! the gleeful admission that he’d purposefully made my friends hate me, and even my mother.. i’ll have to ask her.
gosh, the poor, hate-filled creature.. the Universe has my permission to spit him out.


I can’t read about confession ..   no, it’s not confession, it’s the forgiveness. I can’t read about absolute forgiveness
without crying. a religion where all you need do is regret, confess, apologise, and you’re forgiven and readmitted to peace…

18cent octopus

today was the strangest day ever. the strangest normal day ever, I mean.

first: I slept in. Chloe had a haircut appointment at 10am and it takes half an hour to get there and I woke up at 9am. which didn’t give me a lot of time to answer the 4586 support requests i’d received during my sleep about a server being down. but I could access it! but they were still saying it was down! so I replied to them all saying they were dumb and it was up, dumbos.

then I hurried Chloe off to her appointment and went to the mall until it was time to pick her up again. only because it’s monsoon it’s very dark, the sky, so the air is dark. except on the ocean-horizon it was clear, so it looked like the sun was just rising. and it stayed like that all day! a day-long sunrise! but it was so dark it felt suspenseful like a cyclone, though there was no wind. and I felt so strange.
anyway. I tried desperately not to spend money but did.

then when I got home I had even more support requests. and I couldn’t access the server anymore! but before I could do anything mumm made me go grocery shopping with her.
I spotted baby octopi in the fish section and demanded she ask the counterboy for one. but she wouldn’t. so I asked him for one and it was 18cents. and I also bought a penis-shaped eggplant. eggplants are a lovely colour, besides. i’ll take pictures of them both tomorrow.

so! I came home and after many emails and stresses I discovered that the server was only down to half the world’s ISPs, which means it was actually up. but as of around 20 hours later I still can’t reach it. so.

another strange thing: I decided today that I want to switch degrees to veterinary science. so I looked up the requirements.. and I don’t have them. so I won’t be doing that. mmm. psychology just seems such a useless degree, though I love it so. I want to be a forensic psychologist, but? as if that’d ever happen in 99billion years.

mumm applied to the navy again. she applied when she was 34 but since she was right on the age limit she didn’t end up joining. when she noticed today that they’d raised the age limit to 50 she signed up right away. they have an online test, like an IQ test, which is used to analyse what type of position you’d be suited to, and it said officer for her. so she put air traffic controller as first preference and intelligence as second. intelligence! that means spy! oh i’d love to be a spy. but i’d have to get a degree first, anyway, to make it to spy-level.

one more strange thing: my computer arrived! brand new computer, and it’s black, hurrah. it was only $500 because I got it through mumm’s bank and they subsidise it. but I upgraded the hard drive and ram so it was more.. but I can’t remember now. but it’s lovelie. I got it ’cause I can’t take my current computer down with me because it’s leased. but i’ve already transferred everything across, and am on the new one right now! I called it shangrila. it is sparklie.

it’s 5:20am. it’s been pouring non-stop heavily for 12 hours, the pool is flooding the backyard, and the salt will kill the garden forever, ohno. and very loud frogs are croaking also nonstop. it’s been raining for weeks and the dam has only risen 3% and we’re still officially drought-declared.

so that’s why today was strange. but I forgot one thing: on the way home from shopping with mumm we had to stop in the middle of the freeway for a giant black goat.

oh, I forgot another thing. nanna told me what the doctor told poppa:

The Specialist looked at the M.R.I. and X-Rays, noting the bone growing on the spinal cord, and told us it was squashing the spinal cord in a few places. He said it was a complex situation.
To operate they would have to go through his throat, which would be bad he said as Poppa has a really wide thick neck, it would involve large scale surgery. With bone removed earlier from his hip (same op) he would have to cut out a section, or sections as there are a few parts, and replace with the new bone from his hip. During this time there would be quite a chance of him having a heart attack, or a clot could go to his lung, or because of the seriousness of the surgery he could easily end up a quad with no bodily control at all…
this was quite a shock… as the alternative to this is the same in the end anyway, as the bone will paralyse him in time…
This guy is the very best there is but he wants an opinion from a neurologist in N.S.W. So we have an appointment to see him then back to Mr,. Tan.
Wayne has already said he will not have the operation…
We will cope…

WHAT bad news

finally went into town! I always plan to but end up sleeping in too late, or having too much work to do or TV to watch.

saw Underworld, finally again, which wasn’t as crappy as i’d expected but was still crappy. especially the purposeful striding through a scattered sea of elegantly languid vampires. really, how many times did they have to do that?!

I took heaps of photos. caught up for the past whole week of no photos, hurrah.

nanna said in an email: “poppa had bad news yesterday from the doctor……”
and that’s it! what! you can’t just do that to a lovingly concerned granddaughter.


today I felt better. better! I felt awake, and able, and okay. I didn’t read, didn’t nap, didn’t lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I wrote a whole tutorial. I took my library books back. I ate strawberries. I finally wrote to my nanna.

I like Life of Pi better today. when I like something better a day or so after it’s over, it probably means it wasn’t done (written) that well, but I like the idea. or the story. in this case, I like people lost and surviving. and I like tigers and floating carnivorous islands made of algae with meercats, and having three non-conflicting religions at once. i’ll read it again. but I took it back today, so another time. I still like his first book better, though it was damned with faint praise.

carnivorous things

January 31st’s entry applies also to today.
there are lots of people over for daydream’s birthday but I can’t speak. they take it good-naturedly, mumm says, “i’m so glad everyone just accepts the way she is.”
spent most of today on my bed. I read Life of Pi. I should feel happy, or just okay.
I should go out tomorrow. here there are carnivorous things in the air, and when I inhale them they go right to my brain.