on impulse

I went for a walk, and on the way impulsively stopped to see The Passion of the Christ. His fear and mother were moving, the devil! was unexpected and delightful.
1000 ways to say I love you. Whispering is one, 999 multimedia butterflies dropped from a skyscraper rooftop the rest.

on being a person

i’d been scared of today, since last tuesday was so hard. but I was okay! took lots of notes, didn’t skip any classes, yay.
leaving a tutorial, a girl who looked like she should be a ballerina conspicuously .. started a conversation. which I didn’t want. she caught my bus, got off at my stop! at Garden City. so I had to look at ugly clothes in David Jones with her, trying to think up some excuse to Go

mhmm.. I find myself withdrawing, and disliking. Disliking!
mince meat. I can hear them talking and wish they were dead. my eyes are fire.

living :/

gosh, can’t be bothered to live anymore.

sat around with poppa all morning reading stephen king and trying to get his printer working. I got quite frustrated and later actually used the word “short tempered” without realising it until after i’d said it. surprised, I said “short tempered!” and nanna said, “yes, I heard you.”

on the train home I was staring out the window so hard I missed my station and didn’t realise it till five stations later. so had to catch the train back!

short tempered is two words.

cheek kisses

all today was spent helping nanna with her assignment. she is doing a marriage celebrancy certificate ’cause even though she’s a chaplain she can’t marry people with just that. well. after practically writing her assignment, I thought maybe I should do the course myself. i’m only doing three at uni this semester, and it’s only $400 or something.

of course, now that i’ve thought about it and looked into it, I will now forget all about it.

the thing I dislike most about visiting the gold coast: all those cheek kisses. ee. every time I see someone there must ensue cheek kissing, and again when leaving them. and the sign of peace during mass.. I spend all morning dreading it. any excuse to cheek kiss will do.

.. while i’ve mentioned it, since attending mass the past two weeks.. … well, I can’t word it. yet.

grandparents

walking down the street, she was waiting at the driveway. how adorable is that?
poppa hasn’t drank for two weeks, hoping to set an example for her gambling.. but to hear her talk of it being the only thing to look forward to, it’s so hard to not be too understanding.

Elaine turned up with a skin cancer on her nose, her second.. and it’s such a usual thing.
she offhandedly mentioned Trish is pear-shaped .. well! what an argument that caused.
I don’t want to come back. ah! but the wedding, so I must. and i’ll be going to Cairns after that, so, it’s okay.

names

hmm! I am getting worse at this, and certainly my incidents.
in fact i’m only doing this now because i’m going back to the Gold Coast for a few days.

well! today. I didn’t sleep much ’cause I started at 5am and then got too hot, like I do during the day, and my flatmates decided to be exceptionally loud besides.
went into the city.. and forgot a notebook! things I would’ve written down:

Nathan is a name with good feng shui, if names could have feng shui. based on their letters. Nathan.
names in general are weird.. that we keep using the same ones. we should make up a new one for every person.

i’ve been chewing 3 packs of gum a day. lucky it’s sugarfree or i’d have no teeth left by now.

I love my new boots! they’re just like my old ones but don’t hurt or make a lot of cloppy noise.

I went to vote but they didn’t have an absentee option, ’cause i’d forgotten to be put on the Brisbane roll instead. so they gave me some number to ring to tell Cairns why I couldn’t vote. I wonder how much the fine is..
and I bought a prettie brass elephant. I love elephants. it’s Dali’s fault.

events etc

it’s the 26th already? I must be dead

I dreamt of ants who lived in big conch shells like palaces. millions of ants, a black river. I grew terribly angry when they began trooping over my bed.

biology I am not suited to. the tutorial reminded me of highschool.. half an hour into it I realised I was not learning anything, and would not, so left. 5 minutes after arriving home, Tanya came over to go to Stones Corner. oh, I didn’t want to go, but I learned to never say no. I bought some boots. ah! I cannot resist boots and will choose them over shoes every time.

walking home, another girl had come along, they seemed to pepper me with questions. gosh, they said, you’ve done so much for only 22. well you know, I haven’t. they just haven’t done anything.

oh, it was the 25th. it’s 5am. I always do that.

people are dicks

I think often of the woman screaming for help whilst being raped and murdered, heard by 30 people who moved not. mmm, people.

meat

I apologise for today, world.
felt like giving up. and did, for a while; I left my 2hour cognition lecture after a measly 20 minutes, and didn’t go to my tutorial. very stupid.

started reading Everything’s Eventual. I don’t read Stephen King anymore, but I desperately liked the title. and I like stories. and I like these ones.
I ate meat. it wasn’t bad. the only reason I don’t is because I hate to cook it.

when you look at a light and away and see spots in front of your eyes? those are impotent neurons resting after having just fired.
you will soon disappear, world.

Murwillumbah

rudely awakened at 6am! to go to Murwillumbah. I went and looked at the hundreds-year-old houses and flood walls and op shops and bought some things I didn’t need. like stickers and gauze butterflies and pictures.
I forget that Brisbane is so close to the border. my grandparents actually live in NSW! well, it’s strange, because QLD is so big.

people sleep on the train!
arriving home I realised I hadn’t told my flatmates i’d be away for 4 days. I think they’d thought i’d died. gosh, people are a hassle.
Nia seems to delight in my company. she’s forever calling down the hall when i’m in my room, telling bad jokes, making pointless remarks.. which I don’t really mind, but she expects me to answer them.

went to do some shopping and almost got locked in! after watching a movie when I was very little about two children being locked in a department store overnight i’ve been a bit scared of it. I spur-of-the-moment bought a book on forensic science for poppa, since he said if he could go back in time that’s what he’d do.

he told me so many stories. I can’t remember them. oh yes, when he was born his mother gave him to her mother because he was an outside-her-marriage lovechild. so he never knew his grandmother wasn’t his mother ’til she died and his father came to get him.

more sad

I thought when I moved to Brisbane I would work harder at school ’cause there’d be fewer distractions.
very very wrong. i’m working less, and I want to work less. I mean i’m tireder, more sad.
i’ve thought of visiting where I used to live. ..
probably a bad idea.
😐

grandparents

grandparents mean a healthy breakfast.

  • one bowl half of some fruit/nut cereal mix, half of all bran.
  • one slice of toast (with marmalade, but I insisted on vegemite)
  • one glass of vegetable juice (juice! it’s soup!)
  • one cup of coffee
  • 20 pills and various supplements

i’m helping nanna plan a wedding ceremony, a fake one that she has to video to pass her course. she’d planned to have me as the bride, but i’d no groom. then she thought of having one of my cousins play the groom, but disregarded that idea when she realised we’d have to kiss. <3

chaplaining

some memories will never ever fade.
caught the busway to Southbank, the train to Robina, the bus to Tweed Heads. I wasn’t sure where to get off, so pushed the button randomly. the driver screeched to a swerving halt and scolded me! but for what I wasn’t sure..
my nanna, a Catholic chaplain, surprised me twice today. first by saying she wants to specialise in gay and lesbian couples, with her chaplaining. second by saying that there is nothing wrong with brothels, that they’re a necessity.
gosh. i’ve the best nanna in the world.

oops

biology day! I didn’t go to the brain dissection tute.. though I wish I could’ve. i’ll just tell everyone I did.

I left the lecture early and went shopping with Tanya. and helped her write her resume and cover letters and it made me want to do my own. but that’s worn off already. and by now I should wait until after Easter, since i’ll be going home for a week soon. if I did get a job, I couldn’t ask for a week off so soon.
but I want one, I do. four days a week i’ve nothing to do.
rhymes!
i’ve decided that I will eat chocolate on Easter. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes, I will.

walking home in semi-dark, Tanya suddenly asked me if i’d ever been pregnant. I fancy she was trying to be casual but had considered blurting the question carefully before doing so, as though it could have dire consequences.. I know her tone was different .. anyway, I said no.

I would consider having a child so young a waste of life.. such a long project should be undertaken after every feasible thing else has been done.

dream: as the elevator doors opened they revealed a big silver gun, pointed directly at my face, which proceeded to! shoot me in the face, of course. it ended, I didn’t dream of dying..

x has said often that I ought to be shot in the face, or that he would.. but that didn’t occur to me until just now. it was a complete stranger holding the gun.

I haven’t heard from him for months..

oh, god. I just looked up the date of my divorce hearing and it was a week ago. damn it, damn.. I !! ugh. I was supposed to’ve returned the papers a month beforehand, but he never sent them back.

hmm. I should’ve checked ages ago, I thought it was months away. and it was! months ago!
*obscenities*