today I was struck by

today I was struck by motivation.. started my essay, and it’s not due for 4weeks! well it’s amazing. i’ve only written a piece of intro and a paragraph but it makes me happy.
i’ve had my umbrella for months but it hasn’t been used. I was caught in the rain today. it’s cold for the first time all year. I drank coffee to make me warm.
i’ve completely lost interest in photography. I don’t even take a camera with me any more.
I wear eyeliner every single day and wonder if it will eventually result in blindness. even I think I look weird without it.

nanna passed her celebrancie course.

nanna passed her celebrancie course. hurrah! she called me while I was standing in line at Coles to tell me. by the way, don’t ever do your shopping on anzac monday. yikes.

but I thought of something she told me last weekend that i’ve vowed to remember for ever: her first communion. they stress the entire time that you’re taking God into your heart, yasee, so 6year old nanna thought, wow! God in my heart! and has since envisioned a chair in her heart for him, with a blue (or green, she can’t remember) velvet cushion. her heart has windows which look out onto a garden she’d planted in her ribcage for God to gaze out at from his velvet cushion’d chair in her heart as she takes communion. he sits there just for a few minutes every Sunday and rests from all the world’s demands.

I live with a bunch

I live with a bunch of slobs. SLOBS.
did I mention I spent all Friday morning cleaning? no, ’cause I haven’t written. well. for the second time this week, it took me close to an hour to wash a huge pile of other peoples’ crusty, stinking dishes, after which I swept/vacuumed/mopped, sorted through mountains of junk on the bench and in the loungeroom, took out 4! bags of garbage, etc.

then I left at 7am on Saturday, and came back tonight, Sunday, to you’ll never guess what. an exact replica of the kitchen as it was before I cleaned it, and a loungeroom worse. I felt nausiated as I stood in the doorway and looked at it.

but I can’t bring myself to say anything to any of them. I haven’t left my room since I got back..

I saw my breath today!

I saw my breath today! do you know how often you see your breath in Cairns? sure you do..
it isn’t winter yet but.. I was just out unreasonably early, 7am. waiting at the bus station this funny little cleaner man came hobbling by, dragging a parachutious green garbage bag and practically using his long trash-and-cigarette-butt-picker-upper as a walking stick.
“going to work?” he asked me. don’t know why he would’ve thought someone dressed as I was could possibly be going to any sort of job. although I could’ve veen working in a comic book store. theres an idea.
“yes,” I answered.

i’m on the fourth day

i’m on the fourth day of a very .. strict diet. so I feel like my life’s revolved around eating. so that’s why I haven’t been writing. and i’ve a stomachache. but! i’ve kept to it almost perfectly. and! I have gained weight since I said I would. but! gosh, it’s expensive. my grocery bill this week was $80.
but I bet it’s cause most of it was stuff I won’t need to buy often, like spices and oils and crap. i’m cooking, sans recipes .. I put all this stuff in a saucepan and it turned out wonderous. so! yay me.

I left my phone charger at nanna’s last weekend, so have to go back to get it, but haven’t called her. so I can’t go tomorrow.. ’cause i’ll want to leave early so I can come back the same day, and it’s 6-7 hours travelling, there and back.

mmm, okidoke. biology practical, in which we had to time ourselves balancing a stick on two fingers while humming, singing a nursery rhyme and reciting tongue twisters. my longest time was about 5 seconds, my partner’s was twice that ..
ah, yes.. partners. why in uni must everything be done in partnership? I sigh in ire everytime I hear the word.
anyway that’s the experiment we’re to write up, lab report, as the main assignment. she said it’ll be marked quite rigorously.. ah! and it’s an elective! gosh i’m an idiot.

oh.. went to see Kill Bill 2. it really didn’t need to be split up, those greedy bastards. but since it was.. vol 1 wins without even thinking about it.
oh, oh, my tummy.

I am very very very

I am very very very very very very down. well, no, you could remove all those verys, ’cause if I were that down I wouldn’t’ve said that at all. bah! but I am down. the reason i’m not so Very down is ’cause i’m down for a reason rather than none. reasons, I mean.. many of them. and I can’t! talk about the reasons. damn it. I mean I could, there’s no reason to not. I just can’t.
I need to cry, yes. if I would i’d feel much better. and quit everything and move back home and not do anything ever again ever.
oh.. I can’t be down because i’m at my grandparents’ place. gosh. how worse I would feel if they knew I felt bad.

and i’m finding it difficult to gain weight when the very THOUGHT of FOOD makes me VOMIT. but I drank about 80 coffees today, with SUGAR.
you know, I hate this type of down. it is accompanied by anger, and the desire to harm others rather than myself. i’m thankful it is very rare.

oh, yes, my legs have been killing me all day. for no reason! I can barely walk.. and not at all without the most unbecoming grimaces and groanings, even if they’re only inside. I do have a bruise on one thigh that I don’t know the origin of.. but I doubt that’s related. both legs! why! I didn’t do anything unusual yesterday, but it feels like they’ve been horribly abused. my poor legs.

oh, yes, X2, the wedding was today, which is why i’m here. it was just fine.

today was long. I hadn’t

today was long.

I hadn’t been to the uni at all, to do research for my papers, so had Sarah drive me on her way to work. except i’d lost my JCU student card, but Ms Librarian let me borrow books anyway ’cause she knew me. but it’s good, to borrow books here even though i’ll have to post them back from Brisbane, ’cause all the relevant books at Griffith would be checked out already ’cause there are only 5 essay topics to choose from and hundreds of people doing the course, and hundreds of people further ahead in their papers than I.

so I got some books then went to wait for the bus, when! one came when it wasn’t supposed to, it must’ve been dreadfully late, but was right on time for me. so yay.

then I packed when I got home. Bronwyn had rang and said she had an appointment at 11am (my plane left at 11:55) but that we’d have heaps of time. “okay!” I sang, and waited for her to arrive.
well, she arrived at 11:30. it, of course, takes half an hour to get to the airport. Bronwyn said, “gee, I hope you’re not late, ’cause we’d have to buy another ticket. well, You would.”
“haha,” I ha’d.
so we pulled up and she said, “I won’t come in. have a good flight!”
“okay!” I sang, as she sped away.
of course, i’d missed my flight. so I bought another ticket ($200) and waited a couple hours, being stranded at the airport where no buses come. gosh, you wouldn’t believe how depressed I got, waiting.

so in Brisbane I got on the train and turned on my phone and had about 80 messages. one from Sarah, saying “I miss u, u fuckin WANKA,” (inside joke) (every third word out of her cute little mouth is “fuck”), and one from Nanna saying “just want to know when you’re getting here, NANNA,” (she signs everything, even voice messages, just in case I don’t know it’s her).
I thought, “i’m getting there?”
so I rang her and said, “sorry, my plane was late, i’ll be there at 7.”
so I caught the train and the bus home, threw stuff everywhere half-unpacking and re-packing, then caught the bus back to catch the train. but by then I had no cash so went to find an ATM before catching the train.
and! discovered the Southbank night markets! golly golly gosh, how delighted was I. I bought heaps of stupid junk I half regret, as I usually do. and didn’t get to Nanna’s till 8.

then, of course, she kept me up half the night filling out marriage forms and stuff. yay way to end the day. well, I didn’t mind. don’t.

1, 2, 3 well! kept

well! kept my appointment. there was a new assistant, who asked what’d been wrong with my teeth. dr cadell just snorted and said, “well, look at the pictures.”
I said, “don’t.”
they never bothered me.. but! those pictures are awful. he gave them to me a while ago and I keep meaning to cease their existence..

but! he said that next appointment.. they come off! the braces. he said this while my mouth was full of pointy tools so I couldn’t say anything even though he asked, “what do you think of that?” then he took them out and asked again and I still didn’t say anything.. well, I said “good,” eventually. my next appointment is in June ’cause that’s when my next holidays are.

nahnahnananahnahnananahanahahahahah., Chicago is a rather good movie. Sarah’s taken the day off work tomorrow to Take me to see Cat in the Hat. I am sad, because I love Dr Seuss (despite his outrageous amounts of politicalness, so a lot!), but I don’t love Mike Myers. anyone should’ve been cat in the hat but him. oh, on the way to the bus station to take me to the train station to take me to the airport the other day I found three (3) car-killed butterflies!

I have two notebooks at the moment. one is special, with stuck in things and other stuff of significance, the other is just scribbled junk. but both of those, and this, seem like they’re all by different people. well.. this is all about appointments and family and uni and.. and movies and dead insects. it makes me feel pretty dumb.

well. written next to a dollar bill, above a powerpuff girl, indicative as always of my attention span:

ain’t it funny, that
pale-faced captivation could be
coupled with a bleak mouth, funereal
silence.

and hey, hey, and hey! sometimes I sit facing the corner and imagine someone creeping up behind to sink a hatchet into my skull.. have I mentioned that before? everyone’s Multi-talented
i’m breathing, aren’t I?

just remember to laugh at jokes

DAY ONE:

yep.. THAT’S IT. LIKE SHAVING A HEAD & FINDING NOTHING UNDERNEATH.

oops. speaking of a disfunctional

oops. speaking of a disfunctional brain. the whole reason I came back here was for an orthadontist appointment. and! I forgot all about it and missed it. tsk. tsk. I should’ve been able to predict that but wouldn’t even have realised if mumm hadn’t rang and said “how’d your teeths go?” just like that. well, I called them, and they’d a cancellation tomorrow, so it’s okay. if I can get there.. it’s all the way on the other side of town.
i’ll look up the bus route right now, while I think of it.
okay. buses go by there every 10minutes.
okay, Sarah’s going to drive me.

oh how I dearly love

oh how I dearly love my Buddha. he has such a face!

Sarah works 10am to 7pm every day for $7something an hour. but is going to America in June to! be an au pair. i’d suggested it ’cause I thought for a few days of doing it but didn’t, obviously.. anyway. she’s more suited to it. though no one thinks she should ..
I was glad to see her! we rented some movies tonight, one being They; “no, I haven’t seen it,” I said, but 5 minutes into the movie thought maybe I had, and 10 minutes into the movie knew I had. why, why am I cursed with such a disfunctional brain?
I know I was going somewhere with Sarah’s work and plans, but got sidetracked and can’t remember now.
every time I come back here I feel I never went anywhere. the Trinity Beach post office boy was on the same flight up. I thought “gosh, this plane is very spacious!” ’cause I had heaps of room, then I noticed I was in the emergencie exit seat. so if we’d crashed into the ocean and had seconds to escape before sinking, I could have chosen to drown us all.
I think the humidity has given me a headache.
I think I have a headache, or know I do and think it was caused by humidity?

do not feed the aminals.

do not feed the aminals.
I keep waking up inside. golden lined lost left arm. waiting for everything to fall away.

happy Easter, today you are forbidden to wear sleeves or socks. 3.33, I took ’round the collection plate, convinced the world to empty their wallets into the buskers’ hats, yes, even the 4year olds. I secretly wish with utmost seriousity that a very close relative would die, soon. if I cannot tell if I am drunk I wait until i wake up the next morning and taste my own mouth. 111 kilometres away and the crows followed me just to caw their way into my dreams and wakefulness. she took firm hold of my head to look me long in the eye and ask what I had planned. “to hang out my laundry at 10pm,” i’d’ve said if I could see the future. instead: “did you cast a spell on me?” and later nearly falling asleep in the casino, pen in hand, band 5 metres away, my phone ringing every 10 minutes with no one on the other end. guess where i’ll be this time tomorrow? RIGHT HERE. I can safely say i’m sorry.. but you know what? I feel fine, i’m doing just fine.

“make me fall in love with you;” just call me Princesska, making eyes.

just realised i’ve been talking

just realised i’ve been talking aloud! for a while.
I collect so very many things. price tags. car-killed butterflies. tampon insertion diagrams.
if you’re short sighted it’s likely you read too much growing up, and since human eyes aren’t designed for much close-up work, they lengthened to adapt to it, and now they’re too big for long distance work. that’s right. YOUR EYEBALLS ARE TOO BIG.

wellie wellie well. my mumm’s in America somewhere. usually I send her heaps of sillie SMS messages, but since SMS doesn’t work over there, she got this voice message thing. so i’ve been leaving lots of those. my last one went something like: “i’m wearing two pairs of shoes at once, imagine that! hey.. pepsi max is 100X better than diet coke, I realised while counting my steps back from the nightowl. and nailpolish on my eyelids.”

Sarah came on MSN earlier and said she was so glad i’m coming home!
[21:57] sarahjoy: buddah is sitting on top of the computer…and his front arm is hanging down in front of the screen…..SMACK)….mwa ha ha
[21:57] me: aw. whenever i see kittens in the petshop I ..
[21:57] sarahjoy: his pupils are hUGE
[21:57] me: lol

and I started researching today! there is an article on attitude change on my hard drive RIGHT NOW! lalalalalalalove.

fireball sheep

1. grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. write down what it says:
derived by introspective contemplation (i.e. Plato’s doctrine of dual forms). The concrete world is different to

2. stretch your left arm out as far as you can. what do you touch first?:
a looney tunes calendar.

3. what is the last thing you watched on tv?:
the first ten minutes of that movie with John Travolta which is 5% as good as the identical one with Julia Roberts.

4. without looking, guess what the time is:
11:11

5. now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
12:31

6. with the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
the pixies. traffick. crickets. the bathroom fan. clock ticks.

7. when did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
3 hours ago. going for a walk. I ran, and skipped, but walked when cars were passing.

8. before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
fireball sheep

9. what are you wearing?:
a pair of underpants and a clip in my hair.

10. did you dream last night?:
not that I recall.

11. when did you last laugh?:
mmm. when Adraia said, “did you see my rocky road?” (hardening in the fridge that she’d made to give to people for Easter) and I said, “so that’s what it is!”

12. what is on the walls of the room you are in?:
a looney tunes calendar. a griffith university calendar. two Dali posters, a Lakshmi poster (k I don’t know who she is, i’m guessing), two Giger posters, an Alice and caterpillar poster. some photographs, an empty doritos bag, some stars cut from newspaper, about a dozen wooden ladybugs.

13. seen anything weird lately?:
weird. um.. umumumumum. I can’t tell.

14. what do you think of this quiz?:
that i’m taking it! says alot. now. a few years ago it wouldn’t say a lot. but I haven’t taken a quiz for a few years.

15. what is the last film you saw?:
Passion…Christ.

16. if you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
I don’t know. a brain, a heart, some courage, some starving African larvae.

17. tell me something about you that i don’t know:
anything anyone doesn’t know there’re very good reasons it is so.

18. if you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
remove guilt & politics.

19. imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Mary.

20. imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
I would abort a boy.

hello, hello, hello, dailie. i’m

hello, hello, hello, dailie. i’m on the Goldcoast again. I spend more time here than in my house! well it’s because Sue’s coming tomorrow, from Melbourne, with Sharnee and Missy, yay! and then i’m coming next weekend as well, to see them again, although i’d planned to Not, ’cause i’m going to Cairns on Monday. there’s also the wedding to finish planning.. and Dreamworld. and it’s Easter..

today is Palm Sunday. went to mass.. the man who helps organise it, but not the priest, who had asked nanna last week if I was a model because gee does my beauty ever blindingly radiate, asked me to carry the offering up to the altar. I nearly choked. I couldn’t in a bazillion years say no. but I felt such an imposter.

then.. I don’t like to take communion, because Catholics feel very strongly about non-Catholics taking communion. and I was raised.. I mean, I was taught all the important stuff. so i’m technically worthy. but not really, and i’ve only just started turning up three weeks ago or something, and .. well I wear all black, and had about 42586 rings on and crazy nailpolish and weird hair ..
anyway the father looked me in the eyes, as I said Amen .. and it was strange. especially after giving him the offering. and, anyway, when I knelt, right after.. the Host still stuck to the roof of my mouth, I began to cry. not howling or sobbing or anything, but there were a couple of tears.. and I don’t really know why.

so, now’s the question. did I just make that up?

Wayne is in a shit tonight because he was alone all day, so he stayed in his room, came out for dinner but didn’t say a word, then went back to his room, and hasn’t come out since. he is so dependent on Trish, and so demanding.. and today she told me all these things i’d had no idea of, like how he is violent and cruel sometimes, when he’s been drinking, and how she left for a while a few months ago until he cried, begging her back. I don’t want to know these things about my grandparents. I don’t want them talking to me as though I were an adult! she had no idea I was so shocked ..
I don’t know how she survives, with all these people around her, pulling her in different directions and treating her so badly besides. how how how is she so patient and forgiving and loving?

well. they’re all in bed, so. i’ll go, too.