I am So looking forward

I am So looking forward to seeing Buddha.
not having various animals around doesn’t agree with me. I was thinking of all my dead pets, today.. and one particular instance:

in 9th grade I gave my closest friend, Kiana, a rat for her birthday, as she’d been pining for one for a while. she named it Rice, it was a female. I already had a rat, Oliver, a male. well a while later we decided to breed them, so she took Oliver home for a couple nights (i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned this before).

she kept Rice in the same cage as her mice, and they got along fine. I hadn’t thought about it, really, but of course she Would put Oliver in with them all. well Oliver had a habit of needlessly and violently killing mice, which I discovered when I first brought him home and put him in with mine. yeah, I did write about it before. oh! sigh. I cried over their soft little bodies before rolling them up in toiletpaper and flushing them.

anyway.. oh yes, Kiana’s mice. she came to school the next day, after taking Oliver home, and said that for the past few weeks her mother mouse had been escaping of a night and coming back to the cage in the morning to her babies. well last night, she said, she took the babies with her and didn’t come back. ohhh, I said, of course knowing that Oliver had killed them all. I did feel slightly responsible/bad, but didn’t say anything.

hmm hmm hmm. I wonder what she’s doing now. Kiana Stoehr. if she ever types her name into a search engine, now, she’ll find this. hi! email me! unless you feel stupid that I knew you’d lied about the mice. 🙂

am bizarre

on the bus today, paused at a stoplight, with windows that open, I thought briefly of spitting my gum out my window, into the window of the car idling next by.
and of asking for a cigarette and burning something with it.
but what? tsk, that would never never do.

there are really rocks in your head, and your skin is really moving, and so is the ground.
chemically imbalanced.
I am going to gain weight, starting now.

directionless

hurt you and made you cry.
I dreamt that, one by one, all the things i’ve been now&then worried about the past month or so resolved themselves. my divorce, Wayne’s gradual paralysis, my
terrible
..
hmm.
my general, overall discontent has been insiduously ballooning .. dilating like a black eye swelling closed
anyway, I woke up and didn’t realise it’d all only been dreamt until around an hour later.

so no matter what i’m doing I feel directionless. 8 hours of work, 8 hours of play, 8 hours of sleep.
I cut ampersands out of newspaper headlines. in 6th grade my inner labia grew, and I, rather horrified, considered cutting them off.