well my skin is several shades darker. as payment i’ve been headachie and sick all afternoon and didn’t do any of the million things I was ‘posed to. &now am going straight to air-conditioned bedd, slather’d with aloe vera &sedatives; cats locked fiercely out, phone turned unforgivingly off.
that yesterday-mentioned notebook? bought it today, yay! also decided what to do after I finished studying psychology. well unless I keep studying it. but anyway, what? ohyeah, mumm read my cards but I can’t remember anything she said ‘cept that I limit myself. &! yeah to let go of the past or something. ph. 😛
well. I need to make an appointment at reds to do something entirely shocking to my hair; may dye it either pink or blue before then. or both! oo. oh yea, what i’ll do after psychology! well i’d have to put together a portfolio, but I so want to be a professional artist today. i’ll apply at the conservatorium of art. I just feel very inspired. and want to do that celebrancy course. I mean, come on. who wouldn’t want me to marry them? 😉
well i’m so sleepie.. I got sick last night & fell asleep before my head touched the pillow like I was a storybook girl. but then woke an hour later & culdn’t sleep so pretended to be an easter bunny & bounced all over the house all night. so. good-easter-night.
ee! I love my mumm to several deaths & am very glad she won’t be spending Easter alone. but I hate it up here & wanna go home home home. it feels Cairns shouldn’t exist anymore but in my memory, so when i’m here I feel.. like I did back then. like i’m back then. lost & helpless & miserable & crazy.
so i’m trying to fill up my every second making things & reading & spending heaps of money. presently i’m Very close to buying a $2300 notebook, since Bronwyn still has my laptop despite having quit uni.. I should see her while i’m up here, & my highschool friends, though I ignore them so often they probably hate me by now..
dreamt: Buddha’s face was ripped to bleeding shredds, so I sewed it up with silver thread and stuck a daisy in his eyesocket.
2:20am: I think I am very easily influenced! and only just noticed it today! is it a character flaw? I tend to adopt the opinions and ideals and temperaments and hopes and idiosyncrasies of those who remain around me for long periods of time. not entirely or blatantly, which is why i’ve never noticed it, but to varying degrees and somehow working it into my own.. personality. it’s like I absorb those close to me.
gosh’m I tired.. last day of uni today &! all day Easter partie! with a very very awesome band & cheeky people smoking pot right on th quad, so I skipped one lecture for it. & afterwards went dinnering with party people.
then left early to go late-night-shopping for earrings & scarves & skirts.
i’m asked at least once a day “so why do you always wear black?” and give a different answer each time. but really I don’t know anymore.
4:41pm: aw! bugger! Magic Dirt tour: i’m in Cairns for the Brisbane show & in Brisbane for the Cairns show! the universe is a bastard.
5:12pm: i’d kinda like to move, &’m looking for rents. West End, I think, but I bet I won’t ’cause i’m lazy. oh my lease must expire soon ..
7:48pm: hey yay! I can apply to change my name online! i’ma doit right now!
8:12pm: I can’t pick a name.
8:36pm: I looked it up. my name does mean roofer. yay.
9:07pm: k, I gave up trying to think of a name. ’cause if I kept thinking i’d never change it. well i’ve been thinking for like 42584575 years! so I just changed it, but i’m not telling what to. 😀
I painted today! and did do laundry and homework. yay me I love me i’m great yay.
feelings and thoughts that linger till you wonder if they ever weren’t
fears will always come to
everything to ungainly gain
i’m a whiz at goodbyes, ignoring questions I don’t wish to answer, fake-lying and hurting peoples’ feelings REAL BAD. 😀
hi, life, i’m back! I plan to spend all day tomorrow catching up on classes and loads of laundry i’ve missed.
so after attending my first tutorials i’ve learnt that in reality i’m doing two stats courses this semester. GREAT. I also learnt that around 90% of third year students hope to get into honours. I guess I never really thought before that I may not.. my GPA is 1.3 points above the cutoff, but what if everone elses’ is too? plus you need five electives, and it specifies: completed at GU. but I transferred halfway.. so by the end of my degree will only have done 4 at GU.
well. minor concerns.
in the skills course oh! I discovered my uni soulmate. well, hardly, but anyway. i’d been talking with the girl next to me. I chew heaps of gum, and everyone’s always telling me I chew too much. when this girl noticed me bringing out my gum, she brought out her own gum. a few minutes later she turned to me and said, “does anyone ever tell you you chew too much gum? ’cause they tell me all the time.”
although at one point I did tell her to shut up three times, and she said, “don’t talk to me anymore.”
tomorrow i’m going to visit dadd for the weekend. when I rang him tonight about it, he’d thought I was coming today.. then for some reason he wouldn’t believe me that I didn’t have someone here. haha! me, have someone here. that’s just funny.
anyway, I have to get up at 5:30am to catch the train, and still have stuff to do tonight!
watched an Aboriginal creation story on World Tales in which an eagle created man from mud and breathed air and fire into him and a bat created woman from mud and embraced life into her.
whilst watching this and about 459863 other cartoons I realised I should’ve gone to class today.
life is back to normal. dull and empty but unsad.
I will open my mouth for excellent things.
wowee, category 5 cyclone Ingrid! I love the name Ingrid. she won’t hurt anyone, despite her very destructive core.
the cyclone in Darwin which everyone talks about and dragged a little girl out of her bathroom and oh yeah, levelled the whole city and killed 100orso people, wasn’t even a category 5, was it? cyclone Tracy.
there’s a girl on TV right now singing through her nose.
you know how people have aquarium coffee tables or whole walls? I want a lava lamp coffee table or whole wall.
spent the day shopping for gift for mumm’s birthday, which is Friday. along with several misc items such as sea-salt hairspray i’ve been looking for for simply ages, blue hairdye since it was only $5, the diary of Ellen Rimbauer and the biggest, glitziest brooch i’ve ever seen.
went to see a movie, as I do every time i’m within a 2km radius of a theatre. the only thing showing within the half hour was the aviator, which I didn’t really want to see, but did anyway. it was good, it went for three hours but didn’t feel long. it wasn’t what I expected at all. they just advertised it badly, gave it a bad title. it should’ve been called “crazy naked man’s milk and urine. oh and planes.”
you wouldn’t believe it, but today I felt happy most of the day. took photos, wrote emails and even livejournaled for the first time in 325896325 months. walked home and felt a gorgeous world, it’s atmosphere like arms wrapping me up, rather than hearing only traffic and the dull thud of my feet; seeing only rough ashphalt, dog crap and cigarette butts; obstructing annoyed, rushing strangers and annoyed, rushing cars and their screaming tires and angry horns and teeth; etc.
it’s mornings, lying abed waiting to fully awake, that’re the worst.. it’s the only time I think. going to sleep is no problem, I ensure i’m so tired by then it takes no time at all.
actually I wrote that last night. today I felt myself again, even lying abed amorning. ’cause I didn’t. I got up and cleaned for the first time all week. gosh! was it bad. the whole unit littered with clothes & litter shed whilst walking about, unable to even put them in their respective bins.
I doubt i’m making sense. i’m pretty tired.
and booked a flight to Cairns on the 25th.
and got my period.
i’m filled with pleasant warmth; it’s looking ahead, rather than back.
wowee, I stayed up till 3am changing this site. and it’s not even 10% finished.
i’ve been half-watching Rage at the same time and.. I hadn’t noticed how very many very similar sounding and looking kinda-punk sorta-rock bands there are now. not that i’m complaining.. it’s better than similar looking/sounding mostly naked girls.
so today has been okay, compared. if i’d given myself but one minute to stare i’m sure I would’ve sunk deeper than a dead body in a black swamp. but busy, I just felt dull, down, but certainly not to depths of dark despair w/ unabashed weeping etc.
lol. obviously presently I feel just peachy. well, isn’t it absurd to think that Everyone but you has a whole, comfortable, loving, purposeful life, even if they are behind warmly shining glass on a dark and gloomy midnight?
keeping busy is good for me.
yesterday i’d class in the morning, so didn’t lie about moping for hours before doing anything, which is undoubtedly a bad way to begin a day. so by the time I got to uni I wasn’t intent on avoiding everyone, and sat where I usually did to wait for the lecture to begin (I did, however, pretend I hadn’t seen Carter).
shortly after, who should I spot approaching me but Kate, my favourite uni person. after delighted greetings we talked about how summer break is always so long that we’re almost glad to be back at uni by the end of it (this year it didn’t apply to me, but, you know.. making conversation).
sometimes last year, when we’d waited outside together, i’d sit with her for the lecture.. however 95%+ of the time I sat alone, ’cause i’m still not comfortable with her. well, it took me nearly two years to begin to make friends at JCU. anyway, I was sick of being alone, so.. throughout the lecture we made snide little comments about the lecturer’s corny sense of humour (gosh, he was gorgeous), and when it was over I realised I wasn’t unhappy. i’d been so thoroughly distracted i’d only made one wish, that I could recall, throughout. “hurrah!” I said, out loud.
on the way out we (well, she, while I gave encouraging affirmatives) complained about how annoying it was to have a lecture from 11am till 2pm, that by the end of it she was starving, etc. I was loath to go home, as it meant 100% misery would shortly pervade, so before we reached where we usually parted, she to the lower car park, I to the busway, I said, “well, let’s get 2pm lunch.”
“okay!” was her reply, as though I made such bold suggestions every 5minutes.
so I ate a real lunch. with a real person.
however.. after she’d been explaining how bad her house smelt because of a plumbing problem and all the chaos that had followed, she mentioned that she was in the midst of a long-term argument with her defacto partner.. the same boyfriend she’s had since 9th grade, or something.
at this I felt an overwhelming, uncontrollable burst of envy.
they’ve lived together 4years, he works, she works around studying. they see each other only of an evening.. whoever arrives home first prepares dinner, they watch TV, he helps her with her homework, they argue. I would never have thought that I, I! could be envious of such a thing, that I could be discontent with me, my cat, my freedom, my selfishness, my silence.
afterwards I went to another movie, the library, in search of further distraction.. when I finally did head home it was night, and walking past lit up windows on dark streets I was thinking of the people living within, their whole, comfortable, loving, purposeful lives. and my half life.
there are so many things I could apologise for.
the last day I drank far too much.. I should’ve realised I wouldn’t just stay drunk forever.
the times I was sad.. why on earth was I sad?
every time I said “no.” or something insensitive. or didn’t say what I was thinking. that’s the worst.. there’s much more I didn’t say.
I noticed yesterday, in the bathroom at uni, what horrid circles I had under my eyes. then last night I slept.
upon waking I felt okay, and thought today could be better. I couldn’t imagine feeling so low as the past two. now I realise it was just that I hadn’t yet had much of a chance to think. a half hour later I was already ..
life was just suppose to go back to the way it was before.