keeping busy is good for me.
yesterday i’d class in the morning, so didn’t lie about moping for hours before doing anything, which is undoubtedly a bad way to begin a day. so by the time I got to uni I wasn’t intent on avoiding everyone, and sat where I usually did to wait for the lecture to begin (I did, however, pretend I hadn’t seen Carter).
shortly after, who should I spot approaching me but Kate, my favourite uni person. after delighted greetings we talked about how summer break is always so long that we’re almost glad to be back at uni by the end of it (this year it didn’t apply to me, but, you know.. making conversation).
sometimes last year, when we’d waited outside together, i’d sit with her for the lecture.. however 95%+ of the time I sat alone, ’cause i’m still not comfortable with her. well, it took me nearly two years to begin to make friends at JCU. anyway, I was sick of being alone, so.. throughout the lecture we made snide little comments about the lecturer’s corny sense of humour (gosh, he was gorgeous), and when it was over I realised I wasn’t unhappy. i’d been so thoroughly distracted i’d only made one wish, that I could recall, throughout. “hurrah!” I said, out loud.
on the way out we (well, she, while I gave encouraging affirmatives) complained about how annoying it was to have a lecture from 11am till 2pm, that by the end of it she was starving, etc. I was loath to go home, as it meant 100% misery would shortly pervade, so before we reached where we usually parted, she to the lower car park, I to the busway, I said, “well, let’s get 2pm lunch.”
“okay!” was her reply, as though I made such bold suggestions every 5minutes.
so I ate a real lunch. with a real person.
however.. after she’d been explaining how bad her house smelt because of a plumbing problem and all the chaos that had followed, she mentioned that she was in the midst of a long-term argument with her defacto partner.. the same boyfriend she’s had since 9th grade, or something.
at this I felt an overwhelming, uncontrollable burst of envy.
they’ve lived together 4years, he works, she works around studying. they see each other only of an evening.. whoever arrives home first prepares dinner, they watch TV, he helps her with her homework, they argue. I would never have thought that I, I! could be envious of such a thing, that I could be discontent with me, my cat, my freedom, my selfishness, my silence.
afterwards I went to another movie, the library, in search of further distraction.. when I finally did head home it was night, and walking past lit up windows on dark streets I was thinking of the people living within, their whole, comfortable, loving, purposeful lives. and my half life.