you wouldn’t believe it, but today I felt happy most of the day. took photos, wrote emails and even livejournaled for the first time in 325896325 months. walked home and felt a gorgeous world, it’s atmosphere like arms wrapping me up, rather than hearing only traffic and the dull thud of my feet; seeing only rough ashphalt, dog crap and cigarette butts; obstructing annoyed, rushing strangers and annoyed, rushing cars and their screaming tires and angry horns and teeth; etc.
it’s mornings, lying abed waiting to fully awake, that’re the worst.. it’s the only time I think. going to sleep is no problem, I ensure i’m so tired by then it takes no time at all.
actually I wrote that last night. today I felt myself again, even lying abed amorning. ’cause I didn’t. I got up and cleaned for the first time all week. gosh! was it bad. the whole unit littered with clothes & litter shed whilst walking about, unable to even put them in their respective bins.
I doubt i’m making sense. i’m pretty tired.
and booked a flight to Cairns on the 25th.
and got my period.
i’m filled with pleasant warmth; it’s looking ahead, rather than back.
wowee, I stayed up till 3am changing this site. and it’s not even 10% finished.
i’ve been half-watching Rage at the same time and.. I hadn’t noticed how very many very similar sounding and looking kinda-punk sorta-rock bands there are now. not that i’m complaining.. it’s better than similar looking/sounding mostly naked girls.
so today has been okay, compared. if i’d given myself but one minute to stare i’m sure I would’ve sunk deeper than a dead body in a black swamp. but busy, I just felt dull, down, but certainly not to depths of dark despair w/ unabashed weeping etc.
lol. obviously presently I feel just peachy. well, isn’t it absurd to think that Everyone but you has a whole, comfortable, loving, purposeful life, even if they are behind warmly shining glass on a dark and gloomy midnight?
keeping busy is good for me.
yesterday i’d class in the morning, so didn’t lie about moping for hours before doing anything, which is undoubtedly a bad way to begin a day. so by the time I got to uni I wasn’t intent on avoiding everyone, and sat where I usually did to wait for the lecture to begin (I did, however, pretend I hadn’t seen Carter).
shortly after, who should I spot approaching me but Kate, my favourite uni person. after delighted greetings we talked about how summer break is always so long that we’re almost glad to be back at uni by the end of it (this year it didn’t apply to me, but, you know.. making conversation).
sometimes last year, when we’d waited outside together, i’d sit with her for the lecture.. however 95%+ of the time I sat alone, ’cause i’m still not comfortable with her. well, it took me nearly two years to begin to make friends at JCU. anyway, I was sick of being alone, so.. throughout the lecture we made snide little comments about the lecturer’s corny sense of humour (gosh, he was gorgeous), and when it was over I realised I wasn’t unhappy. i’d been so thoroughly distracted i’d only made one wish, that I could recall, throughout. “hurrah!” I said, out loud.
on the way out we (well, she, while I gave encouraging affirmatives) complained about how annoying it was to have a lecture from 11am till 2pm, that by the end of it she was starving, etc. I was loath to go home, as it meant 100% misery would shortly pervade, so before we reached where we usually parted, she to the lower car park, I to the busway, I said, “well, let’s get 2pm lunch.”
“okay!” was her reply, as though I made such bold suggestions every 5minutes.
so I ate a real lunch. with a real person.
however.. after she’d been explaining how bad her house smelt because of a plumbing problem and all the chaos that had followed, she mentioned that she was in the midst of a long-term argument with her defacto partner.. the same boyfriend she’s had since 9th grade, or something.
at this I felt an overwhelming, uncontrollable burst of envy.
they’ve lived together 4years, he works, she works around studying. they see each other only of an evening.. whoever arrives home first prepares dinner, they watch TV, he helps her with her homework, they argue. I would never have thought that I, I! could be envious of such a thing, that I could be discontent with me, my cat, my freedom, my selfishness, my silence.
afterwards I went to another movie, the library, in search of further distraction.. when I finally did head home it was night, and walking past lit up windows on dark streets I was thinking of the people living within, their whole, comfortable, loving, purposeful lives. and my half life.
there are so many things I could apologise for.
the last day I drank far too much.. I should’ve realised I wouldn’t just stay drunk forever.
the times I was sad.. why on earth was I sad?
every time I said “no.” or something insensitive. or didn’t say what I was thinking. that’s the worst.. there’s much more I didn’t say.
I noticed yesterday, in the bathroom at uni, what horrid circles I had under my eyes. then last night I slept.
upon waking I felt okay, and thought today could be better. I couldn’t imagine feeling so low as the past two. now I realise it was just that I hadn’t yet had much of a chance to think. a half hour later I was already ..
life was just suppose to go back to the way it was before.
I was unprepared for this. I keep thinking of all the “oh, don’t be silly! i’ll be alright!”s
well I will yet. i’m not so sick any more. but it’s funny, Felon threw up too.
I swing between gratitude and impatience for her.
it feels forever already. it does feel like a dream.
I feel better when I think what he’d be doing right now.. what flight he’d be on, airport waiting at, when he arrived… that he can’t be so miserable because he’s busy, hasn’t been left in a BIG EMPTY REMINDER, lying awake feeling the emptiness of the other side of This bed. so. all night I wrote a million things to remember. pages.. and cursing the things already forgotten.
i’m definitely going to class today. though it’s not till 6. till then i’ll work on the site for Trina.. it should be finished by now.
and eat something. and brush my teeth, maybe even shower! I hear crows.. it’s been rainy, cold at night. YEAH. NOT JUST ALONE, COLD, TOO! hahaha.
10 minutes later
I just got this terribly suspicious SMS from customer care:
To call overseas from yr mobile is cheaper than U think. Choose from 8 countries. It’s $4 for the first 10 mins, additional costs thereafter.
I read when I wish to escape. it’s been noted by many, infuriated many. I can ignore life completely by ..
life! what a stupid thing. my life is a big fat hole. I couldn’t’ve gone to class today had I had any, I can’t imagine going tomorrow, or the entire year.
i’m so sick today.. have I made myself sick? spent most of it, and the night, in the bathroom, the rest on bed.
not in bed.. in bed means sleep. lips bleeding, burning
can’t speak. unanswered phones, emails, doorknocks. hmm! wash us all away.
Bride Stripped Bare was definitely the wrong choice
- You smile and lick your husband under the ear, like a puppy, he’s so funny, it’s all a game, and you’re filled like a glass with love for him, to the brim.
- That night you place your palm on his chest as he sleeps beside you and you cup his heartbeat in your hand like a glass over a leech.
- …Ruskin who, it’s rumoured, idolised women so much he was incapable of consummating his marriage when he discovered to his horror that his wife had pubic hair.
- Witness the man who loved a woman so wretchedly and dishonestly that he could not be at rest until he defiled her; he forced her to lie with him, and afterwards, to make up the measure of his wickedness, he hated her more than he loved her before.
- As it has been said:
Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love.
entries from November 17 to December 26 were lost.
i’m planning on rebuilding the site .. eventually. well, classes start in less than a week..
and yet when day came, it was to shine upon the same broken and unsightly quarter of the world. mile upon mile, and not a tree, a bird, or a river. only down the long, sterile but they’ve been very scarce for a few years and we usually have to be content with elephants or buffaloes, answered the creature, in a regretful tone. how old are you? enquired zeb, who stared at the yellow eyes as if fascinated comprared with others, quite young, i grieve to say; and all of my brothers and sisters that you see here are practically my own age if i remember rightly, we were sixty-six years old the day before yesterday. canons, the train hooting and awoke the resting echo. that train was the one piece of life in all what monstrous spectre is this man, the disease of the agglutinated dust, lifting alternate feet or lying drugged with slumber; killing, feeding, growing, bringing forth small copies of himself; grown upon with hair like grass, fitted with eyes that move and glitter in his face; a thing to set children screaming; – and yet looked at nearlier, known as his fellows know him, how surprising are his attributes! poor soul,
i can’t express how i feel
i can’t feel. i mean, i don’t feel
i can’t express much
shut up life & leave me alone.
SHUT UP LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE
Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art–
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors
No–yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever-or else swoon to death.
- giants ask how miniature pyramids were constructed, wonder at the 7wonders,
- angel colonies have cliques and cults, that a few are relative uncultured swine,
- demons only hysterically laugh at church spires, those post-sneeze utterings of “bless you!”
both Hell and God must expand a fraction every time their names are sworn.
as do you, every time you:
- feed a pigeon, or simply find a path that doesn’t send them scurrying in frantic fear out of your way,
- tip a busker, or offer thanks, a word of praise, encouragement,
- release a spider into the garden rather than washing it down the drain,
oh, yeah.. oh gosh. I see the bad in everyone. the worst. only the bad. blinded by the bad.
not quite frantic; in fact, feeling QUITE FINE. rather fine. my dreams are disturbed so I needn’t be.
i’ve an attachment, a fondness, for paintbrushes and notebooks and pens and canvas and typewriters and sketchpads and even $2 five-colour boxes of crayons. and brains the size of watermelons, dinosaur eggs, helicopter bellies, inflatable swimming pools.