1. for your studies…

    you know, jessica, the funny thing about this story is that every time i go sober again, i think back a decade to our time together which, of course, eventually leads me right back to our time apart, in the here and now.

    not that i base my life on whether you are here or not, because i really don’t. but i did and do take our experience together quite seriously, regardless of the particular strain of cometragedy that veils it. a heap of time has passed; a heap of life — not all great, but not all bad, either — every kernel of it genuine and worth the experience, but ….it does cross my mind, occasionally. and today was the first day in about 10 years, all told, that i woke up without this bad, sick feeling crawling around underneath my skin somewhere.

    and do you know why?

    it’s because i remember how i was when i wasn’t completely toxicated on ghetto wine, (which wasn’t all the time, by any means). i remember how we were. i remember something very kind, very intimate and warm between us, even given the depth of immaturity which we were bound to confront one day. and i remember, clearly, the ghetto wine magically transforming into something more than toxic, towards the end. i know you remember, even if you’d rather not, for whatever reasons.

    and i ask myself again, jessica, what i would have done, had the situation been reversed… what anyone should have done.

    it isn’t simply a method of excusing myself, because i don’t. i should have been more responsible, given my age and place in life. or maybe not, who really knows… in any case, it’s more a question of confronting the reality of the matter. and i certainly don’t blame you. but i stop feeling bad about myself, jess, and realize that the continuous lurking sensation isn’t coming from my conscience. i am not even the same person i was 10 years ago and i am sure the same is true for you, as well. but it is coming from you. and it’s coming from the mental health system; that man hating, lesbian-waiting-to-happen from connecticut; this overbearing religious nut factory that is so dominant in the society i grew up in. arrogant doctors and law enforcement…. big fucking brother and a society which has taken on the persona of a dog chasing its tail and allows no room for change other than what is dictated by society itself. it hasn’t got a clue.

    ever heard of project monarch, by any chance? you don’t have to answer. i’d google it and check it out if i were you, though. youtube it, in fact.

    anyway…. there is a sketch you made when we first met online in 97, jessica. it’s that of a young girl hanging from a rope in the forest, with a chivalrous looking little guy standing there in a kind of trance. you weren’t sure what it was and it upset you, because it had to do with us.

    it wasn’t you in the picture, jessica. i know who it was. and if i am sorry for anything ….ever, regarding all this… it is for what i know about that picture. i became fully aware only just recently, in the past couple of years. it doesn’t concern you personally and i’m utterly sorry to have involved you in any way, in my way to understand love and life. i was only dimly aware of the outrageous capabilities of the human mind, at the time. i mean i had an idea — i still belive in magic ….but i’d been drugged by doctors into forgetting my experiences. we were both pretty spun, really.

    and, in any case, to nip this off before i become absolutely boring, there is an australian music website called indieland.com and, if you should ever meet some poor fool with less than a penny in his or her pocket and who wants to learn how to record somewhat professionally, with a minimum of gear, you send them there, to the forums, okay?

    i’ve spent many years trying to crack this nut …while, at the same time, dealing with the cycle of personal karma which eventually brought us together. in a matter of fact, it has been at the risk of love and life, not excluding my own, across the atlantic and back again, which finally led to my success with that. and, now… i’m not really so interested in pop music. i realize that this has all been one aspect of a much greater monster i must face ….and make friends with, and i couldn’t care less. well …i could.
    it could simply be the coffee.
    you take care of yourself, jessica.
    i hope you were able to locate a bit of the beauty which is still left in the world and take some comfort in it. and, if not, i have no doubt that you will.


  2. chris

    i couldn’t possibly ever be over you. and, knowing full on.. that this was, in fact, your intention your reaction…. i am full on over it.

    (because i would never do that to you. never ever. no matter what kind of drugs or how much or who in hell was ever on them. never ever.)

    *more beauty*


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