I’d looked forward to this weekend allll week, and then it zipped by so fast. I’m not ready for it to be Monday.
Friday I had a 9am client and then went to Marie’s to watch movies. We were supposed to go to GOMA but she was too sick and whiney. She insisted she wasn’t contagious, which I’m pretty sure was a dirty trick, but I went anyway. We watched Bad Santa (awful) and the first two Evangelion movies (pretty great). Also as it turns out I whined more than she did cuz I had a headache, but we consumed our combined weight in cheezles and chicos and V so it all turned out okay.
Afterwards I drove straight to Brenton’s so we could go to visit Josh. We ate felafel pizza, drank 2.5 bottles of wine and had some K. Actually this was pretty much an exact repeat of the previous Sunday except for the wine and with pizza instead of Indian food. We watched Samsara and all became instant vegetarians. Well, Brenton and I did. We haven’t been so good with that though. I guess it takes a bit of transition.
I’m not the biggest fan of K. It is pretty similar to MXE except more painful and doesn’t last as long. As with MXE I need to already be tipsy to enjoy it; otherwise I just slump into an observant but unresponsive pile of ex-Jess. Friday night was good though and the three of us drew a blackboard picture together and generally rolled about in happiness.
Saturday was Tom’s birthday Simpson Falls barbeque, to which I took Teddy, puppyface extraordinaire. There were three other dogs present: Tom and Alanna’s dead-black, long-lashed cocker spaniel Olive, Jimmy’s too-much-muscle-to-actually-move Staffy Jester, and an ex-dog-fight, covered in scars Shar-Pei-like dog named Rina. I was nervous introducing Teddy to Jester because even though Jester is small she is a bulldozer with jaws but they were quickly best friends, and of course Olive is a little friendly gentle sook. Those three raced around and around in utter abandoned glee. Rina though was really sensitive and scary and on a leash the whole time and growled every time Teddy came near, even though he’d worm up on his belly and try to lick her mouth like a total submissive puppy. Poor Rina.
Sunday we met up with Matt and went to a creek near his place and Josh came too. We picnicked our hearts out and then went back to Matt’s for a beer and he and Brenton talked boringly for hours about brewing alcohol. Booooring.
When we went home and to bed I said to Brenton “Sarah recommended me a movie,” and then tried to think of what it was called, but couldn’t. Brenton didn’t respond anyway, and I got distracted and started thinking about our day. Then he said something and I realised he’d been waiting for me to finish. Well he got a bit upset that I hadn’t bothered to finish my thought. I can’t remember what he said now, but this morning when I was dropping him at home he said he’d been thinking about it and how it reminded him of other stuff where I haven’t put him first, and how I haven’t really communicated to him what I want from this relationship… besides it being an open one.
Well we couldn’t talk then cuz I had to get to work, so we agreed to talk later. He messaged me saying it wasn’t a big deal… but it seems to be a recurrance of the same old stuff that has come up a couple times about me not giving him enough to go on. I’m frustrated with myself because something like this happens, and I think to myself, “okay now I know it’s an issue, I’ll make more effort…” and I do! For a couple weeks, till I forget about it all and it all comes up again months later, same old stuff.
How do I keep it in mind. It is a priority for me… I just need to remember that and not get all complacent and lazy and assume everything will be fine forever. Why do I do that? I wonder if it is avoidant. Maybe I want to not talk about wants and needs and hopes and goals because it can be confrontational and makes me feel anxious and insecure and not good enough. If that is true it is me who needs to instigate these conversations more often because I would rather feel those things than not have a meaningful relationship.