I know I said in my last entry that I was doing better, but I’m not sure any more.
I am really struggling to go to work. It’s not the work itself that is stalling me… once I am actually doing it, I am often fine. Once I am writing the report, or the email, or sitting with the client, or typing up my notes, I am okay. I can handle it. I have thoughts like “What was I so worried about, I should have started this two hours ago.”
But leading up to it, waking up in the morning knowing I have to shower and dress and drive and sign in and say good morning to my colleagues and turn on my computer and DO THE WORK… the thought of it drags me down and fills me with dread and makes me want to be a homeless bum with no responsibilities or mortgage or pets or wardrobe choices or values or dreams or loved ones or life.
THE THOUGHT makes me depressed.
I mean, I’m not the same once I’m AT work either. Once I do start writing, or talking, or whatever, my attention is all over the fucking place, my focus is shit, I can’t make connections, I don’t. do. good. work. I mean, I’m not saying it’s simply all in my head (ha) and if I just get over it I’ll be fine.
But I’m pretty sure that’s a big part of it.
I haven’t taken my meds the past two days. I don’t feel it’s helping, really, and Brenton is really adamant that it’s bad for me. But at the same time I’m like.. it’s not hurting, is it? Maybe it will help, if I just keep taking it. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough.
Do I think Brenton is overstating the potential damage? Yes. He thinks SSRIs are like taking a low dose of MDMA every day. I’m pretty sure it works completely differently.
So why am I having this aversion to continuing my dosage? How can I get frustrated with my clients when they don’t maintain theirs?
Because a big part of why I don’t want to take mine is that I take recreational drugs, and SSRIs interfere with that. It is not safe or advisable to indulge while on Prozac.
I don’t have much pleasure lately, surely I shouldn’t be asked to give up recreational drugs as WELL?
Well. Jess. Come on. You are a professional. What would you tell a client?
It is not advisable to take recreational drugs right now. MDMA will deplete much needed serotonin. Opioids and amphetamines will have very low-mood after-effects (your mood is low enough) and possibly result in serotonin syndrome.
My advice to you, as a mental health professional, is to take your fucking Prozac, and lay off the rest.
Except LSD. LSD can only help right now. and maybe mushrooms.