So! What is having a miscarriage like? Well, now I can say I’ve had two abortions AND a miscarriage.
The internets reckon that as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. The thing is, if I hadn’t done that test, I would never have known… and that kinda thing happens all the damn time. Women miscarry ALL OF THE TIME and don’t even realise it. It just seems like a late, slightly heavier than normal period. My doctor said that most miscarriages happen in the first few weeks, and often because there’s something wrong with the embryo. I’m sitting there like, is this an attempt at helping me make sense of this? To be okay with it? “Well, clearly I wouldn’t have wanted this baby anyway, so it’s okay now.”
I had it on Wednesday, the day after my last post. I actually wasn’t bleeding all that much, but then I went to the toilet and… there it was. It was like .. uh, you know, I’ve been trying to think of what it was like, and I can’t really come up with anything appropriate. It was the size of a large green pea, but more jelly like, and with more the shape of the egg-sac of a spider, but quite surprisingly firm. It was vaguely purplish red. It was really distinctive from a regular blood clot.
So I felt really sad, and didn’t go to work for a few days. Then, Thursday, I was pretty much over it all of a sudden. I’m not really sad at all any more.
The only thing is.. after it, um, came out.. I didn’t bleed anymore. You know how I mentioned it can be similar to a heavy period? Well I haven’t even had a light one. It’s a week later and I’m still waiting. My doctor mentioned I’ll have to have another ultrasound to make sure it’s all happening naturally, but it doesn’t look like it is. I know that if it doesn’t, then I’ll have to undergo a d&c.. and I really do not want to, so I’m avoiding that follow-up ultrasound. It’s silly, I know. I don’t know what complications can arise if it’s not taken care of… but I just can not be bothered with it any more.
D&C stands for dilation and curettage. It’s basically the exact same procedure as an abortion. It means you go under general anaesthetic and they scrape out all the contents of your womb. Sounds delightful, right? Why on earth would I not be looking forward to it?
I’m just gonna assume it’ll all be fine and I’ll thank everybody to kindly shut up about it.
Something else that has been on my mind a lot lately is.. on the weekend a twenty year old woman was killed in a hit and run. She was walking home after celebrating her birthday. She’d left her friend’s house, following an argument, not long prior to dawn. She was heavily intoxicated. Multiple people noticed that she did not seem okay to be walking home by herself, and a security guard tried to call her a taxi when he noticed she was stumbling onto the road. She was walking against traffic, in the middle of the road, when she fell… either onto her hands and knees, or completely prone.. and that is when a car hit her and killed her, driving away afterward.
I hadn’t even heard about it until I received an email indicating that this was someone very, very close to someone I know well. Since receiving the email I’ve been googling for news several times a day. I’m so disturbed by this story, and can’t stop thinking about my friend, and how this friend might be feeling. This is an event that changes you for ever. Unfortunately I don’t feel like I know this friend well enough to call or message about it. Like, where is the line? I mean, I’ve sent a kind of group gift and message with some other people, but still…
I can’t get it out of my head. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it.
A miscarriage doesn’t seem like much, neh.