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Month: October 2015

self-hate radio

16th October, 2015 by Overocea Leave a Comment

I.

my entire life has been an avoidance

so at what level do i.
what do i write?

if i were to write
a diary entry, say,
of my day,
weekend, week, year,
you’d be enthralled, i’m sure,
by an itemised list
of the mindless exercises engaged in
solely to avoid.

[I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart.
avoid, avoid, avoid.]

discomfort
at levels ranging from tiresome
to obscene.
all unbearable for as long as i am.

the biggest discomfort is of knowing who i am.

of course i know who i am. i’m aware.
i’m horrified and ashamed.

but aaaaaaa
if i can just distract myself,
just long enough to fall asleep,
i’ve made it.

what do i write?
i’m not going to confront those fears.
years. not today.
not here.

II.

no.

it is not going to goad me
into making the changes i never would make
every single sordid second otherwise.

thirty four years and i know
it is not going to convince me of anything.

that critic inside
that persuasively snide
devil on my every shoulder

so it is witness to every little bit
of all of my shit
the only ever one, so what,
it thinks it knows me?

come on.
one hundred and thirty six years
of labs and great minds and double blinds
and nobody knows me.

it might feel productive. but it isn’t and
it won’t be.

one hundred and fifty four theories and
nothing ever changes.
we remain pathetic,
selfish and weak and shameful.
i can’t convince any one else that they are not and i can’t convince myself.

III.

yeah alright, so.

we have this devil, all of us,
these thoughts. these condemnations.
these constant high-pitched scathing narrations.
(I know you)
all of us do.

we all have this story told us again and again
by ourselves: I am ungood.

ungood, god,
OH HOW we love to tell ourselves
again and again.
it feels productive but it isn’t and it won’t be.
the do nots and whys and what ifs and shoulds,
they don’t burn the bad away like they ought
the way we were taught by..
______ well.

ungood, oh god.
yeah, it must be.
cuz it doesn’t feel like it comes from us,
not just from us, it is so loud at the time.
it is so loud all of the time.

a constantly playing self-hate radio
volume full blast
and no switch for off

perhaps there’s a dial to switch for a while,
but it lasts a few seconds,
a minute, at most.

a radio that sits in your reptilian brain.
what is the function? fuck it! what does it want?

two hundred thousand years of radio
and it’s a part of you.

your brain, your reptilian whatever,
your totally fucked up
traumas, chemicals, dramas, corpuscles,
it doesn’t want you to feel so bad
you kill it. it’s not an idiot.
it’s just ignorant.

it feels productive (it’s not)
it’s just trying to be

a constantly shouting
atavistic god
shame
shame
shame

how can a sometimes voice argue against that constant,
lifelong,
self hate radio.

avoid.

Posted in: Everyday Tagged: poet, self exploration

Spicers Gap

11th October, 2015 by Overocea 1 Comment

I wonder how many WordPress blog posts have the witty title of “Enter title here”?

I can’t sleep, again, so got up to read. I am presently reading 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami. Murakami has a delicious talent for describing the most tedious, dull, everyday moments in a most magical and enthralling way. Well, I find it magical, anyway, but after skimming a few of the reviews for this book I noticed lots of his readers find it anywhere from amusing to tiresome.

I’ve read a few of his novels now and, while this is not may favourite, I am enjoying it. It is around 1000 pages though, so is setting me back in my third annual quest to read 50 books. Althought I just checked and, according to Goodreads, I am two books ahead of schedule (currently at 40 of 50 books). I love Goodreads.

I also could not sleep last night. This did not stand me in good stead for our 10:00am scheduled “bushwalk,” which turned out to be less of a walk and more of a climb. A mountain climb.

We were invited by our relatively new friends Matt and Rachael. I expressed my apprehension last night to Matt, citing my complete and absolute lack of health and fitness. “Nah, you seriously don’t even need to worry,” he earnestly reassured me. “We aren’t that fit either. We take it easy and enjoy the scenery. I swear on your life that I am not blatantly lying right into your worried eyes about how hard this will be and how very much your body will not ever forgive you.”

Josh and Kylie came also. I am so, so glad Kylie was there. We lagged behind the others, generally with not enough breath to actually talk or try to encourage each other, but at least we were not alone in our gasping and sweating and moaning (while the others flounced ahead of us with light jokings and easy laughings the entire time).

[Edited to add 5 minutes after posting: I just re-read the gasping, sweating, moaning bit and lol. u know what I mean though. don’t be gross.]

Josh did have a quite large rock, dislodged by climbers above, bounce off his chest though. If it had been his face he might be dead now. So that’s.. yes.

The view was a bit of alright though.

Spicers Gap

Spicers Gap

It took us all day. You’d think after that adventure, and a total of three hours sleep the night prior, that I’d be dead to the world right now, at 1:44am, but no. No, this universe is not just.

Back to Murakami.

Posted in: Everyday Tagged: adventuring, friends

People in my life: Marie

8th October, 2015 by Overocea Leave a Comment

A while ago I started writing a series of People in my Life, and then I got bored with it for a bit. but now I’m back.

Marie is my friend. I don’t know how and neither does she. We met at my friend Storm’s birthday at The Whickham. I was dating Jason at the time, in an open relationship. I don’t know if that intrigued her, or whever, but she introduced herself to Jason as being pansexual. At least, I think that’s the term she used. Jason’s eyeballs turned to magnets as he plied her for more information. I believe this was sincerely motivated by about 80% ‘I want to sleep with you’ and the rest genuine interest. I’m making numbers up though.

To be honest I can’t recall when or where or why or how I saw her next. I’m guessing it was probably Jason who pursued that friendship. That whole time (read: everything that happened over two weeks ago) is really hazy for me now. The next time I clearly recall seeing Marie was at a house party at my house in New Farm. I’d probably created a facebook event with a start time of 6pm, knowing full well that most (sane, reasonable people who know how parties actually work) would start to show up at 7-8pm.

Marie ain’t any dem things. Marie knocked at the door at 6pm exactly. I was not dressed, the house had not been tidied. There was no music or snacks. She was unforgivably early.

“Actually, I’m right on time, I thought. The event said 6pm.”

*SMH*

I didn’t know her that well so I had to sit and make conversation while also doing my make-up to prepare for the rest of the guests.

After that, well, we had mutual friends. We gradually spent more time with each other at communal events. We invited her to hungover ice skating and strawberry picking and she yelled at us that normal people didn’t do such things on Sunday mornings.

Then Marie started doing this course, located just down the road from the office I worked at, so we started getting lunch there once a week. Usually it was a shared pizza hut while we sat in the shade talking shit. I remember this one lunch, it might have even been the first such, where we went to the train station cafe to order eggs on toast or something. We were sitting there in that kinda enclosed outside area with green garden mesh hiding us from the passing trains when Marie told me about some dramaz she had been through in the past. All of a sudden she was just hella opening up to me about some deeply personal stuff and I felt like that was a bit of a turning point. After that day I felt like I knew her better.

Her course finished but we continued to arrange to meet in the city for lunch. If I could convince her to go shopping with me that was always a bonus.

See.. girls shopping, that’s a thing, am I not correct? A thing that girls do together, to bond and etc. but while I like to browse every single item just in case it might turn out to be something I like, Marie only goes into a shop if she is already sure there is something she will like – she looks at that one item, buys it or not, and leaves. Basically even though we both like outfits we have completely opposing shopping philosophies and it never works.

Marie generally housesits while I’m away and as a direct result has grown to love cats, especially Guppy and Whisky and Munchy. I guess you can’t help but connect with someone who has a deep connection to your fluffy cat babies.

So… nowadays we chat on Facebook a bunch (most days) and meet up for coffees or dinners or drinks or whevs pretty often. This friendship mostly consists of us insulting each other, often at the tops of our voices/keyboards. I think most people think we are actually mortal enemies. We do have a liver tontine, and Marie refuses to join my suicide pact, so in some ways I suppose we are.

Posted in: Everyday Tagged: friends

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O hey, hi my darling. I’m overocea & this is my journal. I’ve vowed to note my everyday inconsequence indefinitely, so that I can read it when I’m 80. I expect it to be hideously boring to anyone except an 80year old me.

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