dazelie

4th December, 2005

I possess clothing of many colours.

two blue jeans, a green skirt and a brown one. two white dresses. two brown t-shirts. two pink singlets. three pink tops, one green top, two pink jumpers, one white jumper, one brown jacket, one red jacket, one pink jacket, one grey tracksuit pant and one pink.

I wear these coloured clothings at least as often as I wear black ones.

I wonder if i’ve ever suffered a broken heart.
i’ve cried. is that the same?

also. this house is full of ANTS. I HATE SUMMER. HATE HATE IT. hate it for so many reasons, this season.

posted bi Jessicah at 2:38 pm

17th November, 2005

I haven’t stopped to think in months. haven’t looked & thus haven’t seen. haven’t happened.

&now.. it’s so nice to be bored. spend a day watching cartoons & reading badly written fashion magazines & eating leftover pizza & every hour or so flopping on the bed & savouring that ahead are weeks & weeks full of nothing planned & nothing to plan for.

yesterday was my last exam.

the past week has been.. horrible. horrid. horrendous. horrific. horrifying. full of horror. hors d’oeuvre. exams one after the other, stressing/crying/raging/making myself sick, having to study for several at once, my fate to be determined by the results. of course now I care nothing for my fate, only that the exams are over. OVER. OVER. OVER.

not only that, my undergraduate career is over. I have a bachelor. he’s all mine. it.

i’ve applied for two honours programmes, but will only really consider accepting one. and I must.. must! MUST! get into the counselling strand. if not, I won’t do honours.

which means I have to out-GPA everyone who wants to go into counselling. and everyone does. and the past year has been devastating to my GPA, acceptance into the golden key society notwithstanding.

I guess I do care something.

posted bi Jessicah at 6:14 pm

19th October, 2005

at mcdonald’s:
him: you know, if you ask a cafe person for a free coffee, they’ll almost always give it to you.
me: nah. nope. no way. don’t believe it. *I* wouldn’t give it to you. (thinking, well I can’t really say that, ‘cause most people say “*I* wouldn’t hurt someone just ‘cause I was ordered to” BUT 95% WILL)
him: no, really. it’s true.
me: okay. so ask the mcdonald’s girl for a free coffee.
him, to mcdonald’s girl: hey, um. can I get a free coffee?
mcdonald’s girl: uhhh, sure.
me: omg!

after which, of course, I wanted to ask every cafe person in the world for a free coffee to see if they would.
but I won’t ‘cause i’m too shy.

posted bi Jessicah at 11:56 pm

4th April, 2005

got lots done today yay! finished lots of boring work stuff and social security stuff i’d been procrastinating for weeks and felt quite proud&accomplished afterwards.
and! applied for the uni mentoring program! it involved writing a short resume-sounding essay grossly exaggerating my virtues etc.
then waxxed my own legs for the first time in ages, and now wonder why I started paying so much to get it done. I still can’t get the nerve to do my own bikini though.. ahem.
then I got hayfever as punishment for all my industry and went to sleep a while.
then I went to class and felt much better about missing so much because it’s all so easy.

during, Carter said to me, “your hair’s green!”
I said, “it is! it’s supposed to be blue..”
he said, “it must have gone green ‘cause it was yellow. blue and yellow make green!”
I said, “my mumm said the same thing! but my hair wasn’t yellow!!” (yes, the two exclamation points were quite audible)

then! I went down to the busway to go home afterwards, it was dark and I wished there was a walkway over the highway so I could photograph the speeding headlights. at the city station I was vaguely irritated that there were so many people waiting, ‘cause it meant walking further to find a seat. but! I spotted a spare one next to a blonde girl, who was looking the other way.
I looked again at the girl, then stared to make sure. oh my goodness. it was Jeana. she was one of my close friends at Cairns High, and probably one of the last people i’d expect at the Griffith Uni busway!
I said her name, and she looked at me in slow motion. after a few “ohmygod, this is so weird!”s we caught the same bus. she’s studying environmental somethingorother at Nathan campus, and has been for a year! she lives in Highgate Hill, which is right next to where I wish to move.
I was surprised she knew some of what i’d done since school. I was surprised at how very calm and humourless she seemed. how very different from my memory she seemed. well she looked exactly the same. but with clearer skin.
anyway, I gave her my number, and don’t regret it yet.. maybe even actually hope she’ll call.

oh yes, one more thing. when she enquired after my marriage, she asked if it was to a guy. see, the last time i’d seen her i’d been with a girlfriend, who wasn’t introduced as such, but I did kiss her.. and wondered afterward if Jeana’d noticed. I guess she did.
it’s funny, memory, the things that stick in it.

posted bi Jessicah at 9:39 pm

1st April, 2005

dreamt last night that I was trying&trying to get to uni but couldn’t. was catching wrong buses and getting lost and losing my shoes, and worrying the whole time. it’s quite awesome! so rarely do I dream anything relevant. well i’ve been feeling so guilty about being so behind this semester.. I brought my books with me so I could catch up and just haven’t.
i’ll catch up as soon as I get home.. I willIwillIwill.

well. been bee-busy! th past few daze.
the other day I went into town to buy a zillion random things, and did, was sitting in the shade at city place smoking and watching people try on bad shell jewelry when someone vaguely familiar sat next to me. I stared at him a few seconds before smiling and realising it was probably rather rude of me, when he said, “you do remember me!”
“um,” I said, “no. well, I was trying to figure out if I did.”
“George!” he cried, arms flung out.
I racked my brain, unsuccessfully.
his arms sank, “from highschool. I had long hair.”
“oh! long hair! George!”
I still could barely remember him. anyway we had a terribly boring conversation about our lives from then to now, and I gave him my email address. and mobile number.
oh! god! what an idiot I am. I remembered after i’d left that he’d been a virgin when i’d met him and.. wasn’t, afterwards. I really, really wish i’d recalled that part before disclosing any contact details.
so. I haven’t answered his email, or SMS. am I a terrible person?

besides that! did ring one of my ex-friends and had coffee with her.
and am going out tonight hurrah, my last night here.
been working lots.. but still have lots to do.

and my hair is really more green than blue.

1, 2, 3.

posted bi Jessicah at 5:58 pm

29th March, 2005

stories yay.

well my skin is several shades darker. as payment i’ve been headachie and sick all afternoon and didn’t do any of the million things I was ‘posed to. &now am going straight to air-conditioned bedd, slather’d with aloe vera &sedatives; cats locked fiercely out, phone turned unforgivingly off.

posted bi Jessicah at 10:19 pm

27th March, 2005

that yesterday-mentioned notebook? bought it today, yay! also decided what to do after I finished studying psychology. well unless I keep studying it. but anyway, what? ohyeah, mumm read my cards but I can’t remember anything she said ‘cept that I limit myself. &! yeah to let go of the past or something. ph. :P

well. I need to make an appointment at reds to do something entirely shocking to my hair; may dye it either pink or blue before then. or both! oo. oh yea, what i’ll do after psychology! well i’d have to put together a portfolio, but I so want to be a professional artist today. i’ll apply at the conservatorium of art. I just feel very inspired. and want to do that celebrancy course. I mean, come on. who wouldn’t want me to marry them? ;)

well i’m so sleepie.. I got sick last night & fell asleep before my head touched the pillow like I was a storybook girl. but then woke an hour later & culdn’t sleep so pretended to be an easter bunny & bounced all over the house all night. so. good-easter-night.

posted bi Jessicah at 9:30 pm

26th March, 2005

ee! I love my mumm to several deaths & am very glad she won’t be spending Easter alone. but I hate it up here & wanna go home home home. it feels Cairns shouldn’t exist anymore but in my memory, so when i’m here I feel.. like I did back then. like i’m back then. lost & helpless & miserable & crazy.

so i’m trying to fill up my every second making things & reading & spending heaps of money. presently i’m Very close to buying a $2300 notebook, since Bronwyn still has my laptop despite having quit uni.. I should see her while i’m up here, & my highschool friends, though I ignore them so often they probably hate me by now..

dreamt: Buddha’s face was ripped to bleeding shredds, so I sewed it up with silver thread and stuck a daisy in his eyesocket.

2:20am: I think I am very easily influenced! and only just noticed it today! is it a character flaw? I tend to adopt the opinions and ideals and temperaments and hopes and idiosyncrasies of those who remain around me for long periods of time. not entirely or blatantly, which is why i’ve never noticed it, but to varying degrees and somehow working it into my own.. personality. it’s like I absorb those close to me.

ps: I love love.

posted bi Jessicah at 10:02 pm

24th March, 2005

gosh’m I tired.. last day of uni today &! all day Easter partie! with a very very awesome band & cheeky people smoking pot right on th quad, so I skipped one lecture for it. & afterwards went dinnering with party people.
then left early to go late-night-shopping for earrings & scarves & skirts.

i’m asked at least once a day “so why do you always wear black?” and give a different answer each time. but really I don’t know anymore.

posted bi Jessicah at 9:51 pm

23rd March, 2005

4:41pm: aw! bugger! Magic Dirt tour: i’m in Cairns for the Brisbane show & in Brisbane for the Cairns show! the universe is a bastard.

5:12pm: i’d kinda like to move, &’m looking for rents. West End, I think, but I bet I won’t ‘cause i’m lazy. oh my lease must expire soon ..

7:48pm: hey yay! I can apply to change my name online! i’ma doit right now!

8:12pm: I can’t pick a name.

8:36pm: aw look. my name does mean roofer. yay.

9:07pm: k, I gave up trying to think of a name. ‘cause if I kept thinking i’d never change it. well i’ve been thinking for like 42584575 years! so I just changed it, but i’m not telling what to. :D

I painted today! and did do laundry and homework. yay me I love me i’m great yay.

posted bi Jessicah at 6:20 pm

22nd March, 2005

feelings and thoughts that linger till you wonder if they ever weren’t

fears will always come to
everything to ungainly gain

i’m a whiz at goodbyes, ignoring questions I don’t wish to answer, fake-lying and hurting peoples’ feelings REAL BAD. :D

hi, life, i’m back! I plan to spend all day tomorrow catching up on classes and loads of laundry i’ve missed.

posted bi Jessicah at 10:23 pm

11th March, 2005

so after attending my first tutorials i’ve learnt that in reality i’m doing two stats courses this semester. GREAT. I also learnt that around 90% of third year students hope to get into honours. I guess I never really thought before that I may not.. my GPA is 1.3 points above the cutoff, but what if everone elses’ is too? plus you need five electives, and it specifies: completed at GU. but I transferred halfway.. so by the end of my degree will only have done 4 at GU.

well. minor concerns.

in the skills course oh! I discovered my uni soulmate. well, hardly, but anyway. i’d been talking with the girl next to me. I chew heaps of gum, and everyone’s always telling me I chew too much. when this girl noticed me bringing out my gum, she brought out her own gum. a few minutes later she turned to me and said, “does anyone ever tell you you chew too much gum? ‘cause they tell me all the time.”

although at one point I did tell her to shut up three times, and she said, “don’t talk to me anymore.”

tomorrow i’m going to visit dadd for the weekend. when I rang him tonight about it, he’d thought I was coming today.. then for some reason he wouldn’t believe me that I didn’t have someone here. haha! me, have someone here. that’s just funny.
anyway, I have to get up at 5:30am to catch the train, and still have stuff to do tonight!

posted bi Jessicah at 9:45 pm

9th March, 2005

watched an Aboriginal creation tale in which an eagle created man from mud and breathed air and fire into him and a bat created woman from mud and embraced life into her.

whilst watching this and about 459863 other cartoons I realised I should’ve gone to class today.

life is back to normal. dull and empty but unsad.
I will open my mouth for excellent things.

posted bi Jessicah at 10:03 pm

8th March, 2005

wowee, category 5 cyclone Ingrid! I love the name Ingrid. she won’t hurt anyone, despite her very destructive core.

the cyclone in Darwin which everyone talks about and dragged a little girl out of her bathroom and oh yeah, levelled the whole city and killed 100orso people, wasn’t even a category 5, was it? cyclone Tracy.

there’s a girl on TV right now singing through her nose.

you know how people have aquarium coffee tables or whole walls? I want a lava lamp coffee table or whole wall.

spent the day shopping for gift for mumm’s birthday, which is Friday. along with several misc items such as sea-salt hairspray i’ve been looking for for simply ages, blue hairdye since it was only $5, the diary of Ellen Rimbauer and the biggest, glitziest brooch i’ve ever seen.

went to see a movie, as I do every time i’m within a 2km radius of a theatre. the only thing showing within the half hour was the aviator, which I didn’t really want to see, but did anyway. it was good, it went for three hours but didn’t feel long. it wasn’t what I expected at all. they just advertised it badly, gave it a bad title. it should’ve been called “crazy naked man’s milk and urine. oh and planes.”

posted bi Jessicah at 10:07 pm