two blue jeans, a green skirt and a brown one. two white dresses. two brown t-shirts. two pink singlets. three pink tops, one green top, two pink jumpers, one white jumper, one brown jacket, one red jacket, one pink jacket, one grey tracksuit pant and one pink.

I wear these coloured clothings at least as often as I wear black ones.

I wonder if i’ve ever suffered a broken heart.
i’ve cried. is that the same?

also. this house is full of ANTS. I HATE SUMMER. HATE HATE IT. hate it for so many reasons, this season.

&now.. it’s so nice to be bored. spend a day watching cartoons & reading badly written fashion magazines & eating leftover pizza & every hour or so flopping on the bed & savouring that ahead are weeks & weeks full of nothing planned & nothing to plan for.

yesterday was my last exam.

the past week has been.. horrible. horrid. horrendous. horrific. horrifying. full of horror. hors d’oeuvre. exams one after the other, stressing/crying/raging/making myself sick, having to study for several at once, my fate to be determined by the results. of course now I care nothing for my fate, only that the exams are over. OVER. OVER. OVER.

not only that, my undergraduate career is over. I have a bachelor. he’s all mine. it.

i’ve applied for two honours programmes, but will only really consider accepting one. and I must.. must! MUST! get into the counselling strand. if not, I won’t do honours.

which means I have to out-GPA everyone who wants to go into counselling. and everyone does. and the past year has been devastating to my GPA, acceptance into the golden key society notwithstanding.

I guess I do care something.

after which, of course, I wanted to ask every cafe person in the world for a free coffee to see if they would.
but I won’t ‘cause i’m too shy.

during, Carter said to me, “your hair’s green!”
I said, “it is! it’s supposed to be blue..”
he said, “it must have gone green ‘cause it was yellow. blue and yellow make green!”
I said, “my mumm said the same thing! but my hair wasn’t yellow!!” (yes, the two exclamation points were quite audible)

then! I went down to the busway to go home afterwards, it was dark and I wished there was a walkway over the highway so I could photograph the speeding headlights. at the city station I was vaguely irritated that there were so many people waiting, ‘cause it meant walking further to find a seat. but! I spotted a spare one next to a blonde girl, who was looking the other way.
I looked again at the girl, then stared to make sure. oh my goodness. it was Jeana. she was one of my close friends at Cairns High, and probably one of the last people i’d expect at the Griffith Uni busway!
I said her name, and she looked at me in slow motion. after a few “ohmygod, this is so weird!”s we caught the same bus. she’s studying environmental somethingorother at Nathan campus, and has been for a year! she lives in Highgate Hill, which is right next to where I wish to move.
I was surprised she knew some of what i’d done since school. I was surprised at how very calm and humourless she seemed. how very different from my memory she seemed. well she looked exactly the same. but with clearer skin.
anyway, I gave her my number, and don’t regret it yet.. maybe even actually hope she’ll call.

oh yes, one more thing. when she enquired after my marriage, she asked if it was to a guy. see, the last time i’d seen her i’d been with a girlfriend, who wasn’t introduced as such, but I did kiss her.. and wondered afterward if Jeana’d noticed. I guess she did.
it’s funny, memory, the things that stick in it.

well. been bee-busy! th past few daze.
the other day I went into town to buy a zillion random things, and did, was sitting in the shade at city place smoking and watching people try on bad shell jewelry when someone vaguely familiar sat next to me. I stared at him a few seconds before smiling and realising it was probably rather rude of me, when he said, “you do remember me!”
“um,” I said, “no. well, I was trying to figure out if I did.”
“George!” he cried, arms flung out.
I racked my brain, unsuccessfully.
his arms sank, “from highschool. I had long hair.”
“oh! long hair! George!”
I still could barely remember him. anyway we had a terribly boring conversation about our lives from then to now, and I gave him my email address. and mobile number.
oh! god! what an idiot I am. I remembered after i’d left that he’d been a virgin when i’d met him and.. wasn’t, afterwards. I really, really wish i’d recalled that part before disclosing any contact details.
so. I haven’t answered his email, or SMS. am I a terrible person?

besides that! did ring one of my ex-friends and had coffee with her.
and am going out tonight hurrah, my last night here.
been working lots.. but still have lots to do.

and my hair is really more green than blue.

1, 2, 3.

well my skin is several shades darker. as payment i’ve been headachie and sick all afternoon and didn’t do any of the million things I was ‘posed to. &now am going straight to air-conditioned bedd, slather’d with aloe vera &sedatives; cats locked fiercely out, phone turned unforgivingly off.

well. I need to make an appointment at reds to do something entirely shocking to my hair; may dye it either pink or blue before then. or both! oo. oh yea, what i’ll do after psychology! well i’d have to put together a portfolio, but I so want to be a professional artist today. i’ll apply at the conservatorium of art. I just feel very inspired. and want to do that celebrancy course. I mean, come on. who wouldn’t want me to marry them?

well i’m so sleepie.. I got sick last night & fell asleep before my head touched the pillow like I was a storybook girl. but then woke an hour later & culdn’t sleep so pretended to be an easter bunny & bounced all over the house all night. so. good-easter-night.

so i’m trying to fill up my every second making things & reading & spending heaps of money. presently i’m Very close to buying a $2300 notebook, since Bronwyn still has my laptop despite having quit uni.. I should see her while i’m up here, & my highschool friends, though I ignore them so often they probably hate me by now..

dreamt: Buddha’s face was ripped to bleeding shredds, so I sewed it up with silver thread and stuck a daisy in his eyesocket.

2:20am: I think I am very easily influenced! and only just noticed it today! is it a character flaw? I tend to adopt the opinions and ideals and temperaments and hopes and idiosyncrasies of those who remain around me for long periods of time. not entirely or blatantly, which is why i’ve never noticed it, but to varying degrees and somehow working it into my own.. personality. it’s like I absorb those close to me.

ps: I love love.

i’m asked at least once a day “so why do you always wear black?” and give a different answer each time. but really I don’t know anymore.

5:12pm: i’d kinda like to move, &’m looking for rents. West End, I think, but I bet I won’t ‘cause i’m lazy. oh my lease must expire soon ..

7:48pm: hey yay! I can apply to change my name online! i’ma doit right now!

8:12pm: I can’t pick a name.

8:36pm: aw look. my name does mean roofer. yay.

9:07pm: k, I gave up trying to think of a name. ‘cause if I kept thinking i’d never change it. well i’ve been thinking for like 42584575 years! so I just changed it, but i’m not telling what to.

I painted today! and did do laundry and homework. yay me I love me i’m great yay.