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January 1st 7:10 pm no subject
simply
January 3rd 10:38 am lost in
i'd like to be clumsy
i'd like to live in the ocean
wide open nightlight me
January 4th 11:38 pm mourning
i despise mornings,
every morning he wakes mad
i wish i could stay still
every time he sighs and turns away,
January 5th 9:52 am no subject
i'm, i'm, i'm
January 7th 4:49 pm dream i'm sleek & shiny. calm & soft around me. looking up i can see the sparkles hitting the ripples. all the narcissi are sirens. singing silently in black water full of shadows. calling & calling, always waiting. lost & losing, ears always straining. waiting for nothing. i dream the dreams of people in sorrow. wanting to be down here, drifting gently with me. wavering with the currents. our songs in bubbles. light & floating. skin smothered by soft green, glowing algae turning us into underwater angels. they don't know my black water full of shadows. swirling violently dizzying. blind drowning, always drowning. hissing & gasping. tangled in seaweed ripping me this way & that. fragile skull, full of water & pain. secret pain. craned neck, gaping plankton mouth. always starving. remembering nothing. i choke on every breath. have never spoken a word. this black water full of shadows is very lonely. very unforgiving. and very silent.
January 10th 3:11 pm no subject
written
January 13th 9:49 pm keys un chronologically
gone gone gone nothing: 8
January 14th 7:23 pm old & unfinished nothing I've believed so many things in my life. Up until I was 13 I went to private/Catholic schools, I remember in third grade we all had to sign a piece of paper saying we believed in Jesus and rejected Satan. I hadn't even known what it had meant! I grew up thinking God was eavesdropping on my every thought and disapproving all the while. I'd think something and then blush when I remembered God (and perhaps all my dead relatives) was listening. When I couldn't sleep I'd talk to Him. I would never have thought that some people didn't believe in God, I never thought that it might not be Scientific Fact and Absolute Truth that God was real. In fifth grade, when I still didn't fully understand the concept of God, I once said to my schoolmates "God Sucks!" just to see what they'd say. I would have been shocked, at the time, if someone had said such a thing to me, but my friends merely shrugged or, even worse! agreed. It was around that time I began to realise exactly what God was, and once I'd grasped the full idea, I realised I didn't believe in such a thing at all. How could I? Who the Hell had come up with this? I posed that exact question to one of the nuns at the school, and she answered me by slapping me across the cheek and sentancing me to 20 "Our Fathers".
January 16th 3:17 pm discommunication; >> measure the worlde by what you leave behind //
i am constantly losing my wedding ring.
am in the process of relocating my en*tire website.
am thinking of changing.. things
mmm.... i am to begin re-recording everything
all all all again so starving
want to be a fish treat me ..humm there are no prosthetic pregnant bellies on ebay
January 17th 1:42 pm no subject my ex-journals being gone makes me sad
have been wondering and wondering how i will die
everything is always all right
nothing is always want to get mad
trying to try out favourites:
this is too hard & is giving me a headache but i did manage! perhaps.. ugh
January 17th 9:27 pm no subject my mouth is a tiny beesting
for some reason i
why do i have to be one?!
it's not that i'm detached & not in pursuit
January 19th 4:52 pm no subject
too bumpy & swervy am i
can't eat
January 23rd 4:14 am no subject
i want one thousand questions to ask
i'm not always sad
January 23rd 10:40 am time
a storie once upon a time, ONE time, as opposed to MANY times, there was a GREEN fairie. she laughed as the time STARED at her before demanding to know.. just WHAT she was doing on him!
January 25th 2:56 pm Reliving: 17/07/97 I feel incredibly selfish when I entertain thoughts of suicide, yet I still manage to do just that most of every day, and feeling like a selfish person is growing old. I'm growing old. While I'm 16! I could count all the things that would make my life ten times worse, I could think of all the so many people who do have it ten times worse than I yet who still persevere, yet that serves no purpose but to make me feel awful for feeling how I do. I know it's wrong. Whoever said to tell yourself what you're thinking is wrong, which is what you're doing by comforting yourself with those who suffer pain more intense than yours, was an absolute chook. A bug-like chook. Besides, it isn't that I feel pain. I most certainly do not. I have nothing to be sad for, I feel loved and cared for, there are people who look after me because I'm too afraid and careless to look after myself, there are people I care about. I still don't think that this could be love though, wouldn't love hold me here? Despite having read so much about it, heard so much about it, talked so much about it, I don't suppose I believe in love at all. Not for me. Whatever magickal, fairy-dust spell that is, it doesn't work on me. I could quite easily cripple those who I'm expected to love. I have asked myself why I should feel this way if I haven't considered doing it, which I have but not seriously enough to be worrisome. People tell me that the fact that I do not want to kill people must mean that I love them, but I don't feel that is why I wouldn't kill someone. I may not care for people, but I don't want to cause people unnecessary agony from which would be impossible to escape. I don't mean for the person I would kill, I mean for the people who love that person. Death only hurts those who it hasn't captured yet. Which is why I promised myself I would never take my life as long as there were people who cared about me. Which, as I see it now, means I shall never be allowed to die at all. My family is too extensive, too involved, my death would effect far too many people, and I am certain my mother would never recover. I am certain she never will. And the thought does upset me, because she is a person who has suffered as anyone else has, and I know of the problems she has had and the problems she does have. (An awful thought, but my death would make these problems so insignificant that she wouldn't even think to worry of them anymore!) I'm uncertain as to whether or not I love my mother, as I don't know that I love anyone, but I do know I like her a lot and care about her and what happens. My life, death, would be so much easier if no one cared for me. That's all I wish, to have no one care for me at all. I'd give anything to swap places with someone who is miserable as a result of not being cared for. I've seen enough weird foreign movies to know these sorts of people are everywhere. Wanting to be understood is miles and miles below wanting to be forgotten. I have been feeling unbearable selfish every second of every day for the past few weeks. It has damaged my mind, I can't sleep, can't eat, can't think. I've always thought of death at least once a day, for as long as I can remember, which isn't saying much anyway. Thoughts of my own death though, my own premature death, are far more disturbing. Up until last month I only had those thoughts about once a week. My mind is now constantly full of them, and has been for a while. Not because I am unhappy, taking one's own life for no reason other than unhappiness is ludicrous and unforgivable. Misery passes. Joy is always possible, and always predictable in anyone's future. No matter what makes your life miserable now, (excluding terminal illnesses.. sigh) it will pass. I know I don't see happiness in my own future at all, but I don't expect any truly sad person does. That doesn't mean it won't happen. Sadness is not an acceptable reason to commit suicide. Why would I choose to then? I'm positive sadness is contributing much to the thought, but that isn't the only reason. Fear, helplessness, hopelessness, disbelief, hatred, and emptiness. Fear, of the world and of it's people. There are many simple things I am scared of, telephone usage a minor one. People in general scare me, conversations are impossible. Helplessness, I can't help myself and no one else could help me. Because I don't want to be helped, and I'm too lazy to try. I'm too lazy to bother trying to live. Hopelessness, I hope for nothing, because I don't see my own future. I know it isn't there. I could never exist as other do, despite that I have until now. I have until now because of other people, and now I've become selfish. Disbelief, in everything. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in the soul. I don't believe in life after death or reincarnation. I don't believe in time. I don't believe in the future or the past. I don't believe in reality. I don't believe in people. I don't believe in myself. Hatred, of nothing but myself. My insecurities and ugliness, my selfishness, my laziness, my dishonesty, my fears, my thoughts, my dreams, my person. My mind is black. Emptiness. Nothing could flare in my mind that hasn't brightened it before. My mind is not only black, but is a broken record. It is vacant of all but the most superficial of thoughts, anything else previously sucked dry and filed away in my folder of things in which to disbelieve. I've no wish anymore to be creative or original. I am no longer interested in anything, I no longer like anything, I don't think I am human. What makes something human? Feeling, I think. And I've none.
I'm beginning to think I'm beyond letting a fear of being a cause of pain for others stop me. Or even my own physical pain before death actually snuffed it out, that has been another concern great enough to prevent me
I still worry for those whom this will upset.
January 26th 1:52 pm no subject
vengeance is a virtue.
January 28th 10:39 pm no subject
things only seem to go wrong all the time
as i sit silently & think exactly that,
anger may accomplish things i can only talk fine in my mind.
January 30th 5:12 pm no subject
i really do mean to talk to everyone.. . because they make me so happy when they talk to me.
i dreamt about my piercing.
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