what cruel god decided to mix sore throats & spasmodic coughings in the same sickness?

if everything I see & hear is fuzzy I think it's safe to assume that everyone sees & hears me fuzzy.
but I don't know why everyone sees me as this fragile little thing they need to be careful around
my hand won't shatter if you grab it, my heart won't break if you frown at me
& i'm not even sick today.

people say the things I take pictures of are sillie.

people.

just because i'm not doing anything doesn't mean i'm not terribly busy!
just because i'm not smiling doesn't mean i'm!! sad!
if my door is shut & locked & I don't answer when you knock ten times in a row it means I don't want you!

gosh! not good at living with people. school doesn't start for another two months.
i'm thinking of moving to Spain. I could get citizenship anywhere in Europe easy peasy. is Spain nice?

CAN'T
WAIT
TO
DIE.

feel for all those nothing people no one has ever heard of who've killed themselves.
losers.

may as well not even have a body. just a sad brain, floating in distorted guitar solo.

alright. tasting is like feeling pain, while smelling is like sleeping.

feel better? I feel better. do you feel better? yes, I feel better.

said today:
i've always been mean to people & rarely feel bad
that makes me evil

I am shortsighted in one left eye
which means I always had to sit close to the front in the lecture theatre at Uni.
however, today I got glasses, specifically so I can sit up the back
[because I don't like people behind me].
they're awe-fully dashing, & terribly funn. but only because I don't have to wear them constantly.

I like the Beatles, but she made me turn it off so she could "think."
i'm running away, thinking it would be enormously fun to throw myself off a cliff. I can imagine the way my body would contort on the way down; i'd be holding a cup of tea, and would land on a soft hot-hair balloon on its way up. i'd sit there cross-legged sipping at my tea, and would lean over the side of the balloon to shout at the passengers in the basket below: "anyone happen to have any sugar?"
a man in a suit with a moustache and a monocle would reply, "why, yes! I have some brown sugar in this little satchet hanging from my ear!"
to which I could of course reply, "brown! pew! I will accept only the purest of whites."
"you!" he would scream in outrage, "are a sugar racist! get the fuck off our elitist balloon!"
"fuck you!" i'd scream in incensedness, and would then jump off the balloon and contort for a few hundred metres before landing on an effervescent elephant, which would sufficiently cushion my fall that my courageous suicide attempt would be for naught, for which i'd stab the elephant's absurd ears [from which no satchets of ungodly brown sugar hung] eighteen times until it was satisfactorily dead.

one hundred percent of nothing is everything
la la la la la, etc.
going to live 'til I die.

I accidentally wear my underwear inside out
keep my thoughts like they're pets
[feed them & stroke them]
it's evil to ask for more.

my silence means "yes,"
I have "clever" written on the soles of my feet,
& every sentence ends with "please."

suddenly found my website shameful, so got rid of it, at least for a while. I don't know.

Session Start (et toi : miste) - Sun Jan 26 04:27:35 2003
[04:27] et toi: what's the longest you've stayed awake?
[04:28] miste: a day? why?
[04:29] et toi: why do i always need to have a reason for asking, anyway? because I want to know.
[04:30] miste: wait... longer than a day, like, two days when i go out partying and stuff.
[04:32] et toi: that doesn't count. it doesn't count if you're out at bars all night or something.. that doesn't count. it's too easy.
[04:33] miste: well what counts?
[04:35] et toi: just.. staying up when you're home all alone all week. watching movies all night & reading corny horror stories you've read before. drawing on the walls & ignoring phone calls.
[04:36] miste: i don't think so honey.
[04:37] et toi: don't fucking call me that.
[04:37] miste: ;) you're bitchy today.
[04:40] miste: okay, so how long have you stayed up?
[04:40] et toi: I don't know. go away.
[04:41] miste: hey, you asked me!
[04:42] et toi: I know, I was there. so?
[04:42] miste: so nothing. when are you coming back down here?
[04:43] et toi: why on earth would I want to do that?
[04:43] miste: why do you think? to see me :)
[04:44] et toi: want. I said wAnt.
[04:44] miste: jesus. did you forget some fucking medication, or what?
[04:45] et toi: i've been asked that today. wtf? I don't put ! or :) after every word so I forgot my meds? no, I didn't Forget.
[04:46] miste: so.. you took em?
[04:47] miste: jesssssssss
[04:47] et toi: yes. took them.
[04:48] miste: you fucking liar.
[04:50] et toi: fuck you.
[04:50] miste: i know you man. you get either mean or trippy when you don't take them. you're so god fucking damn obvious. take them.
[04:53] et toi: how about you not talk to me anymore? yeah! good idea. don't talk to me anymore.
[04:54] miste: how about i call your mother?
[04:56] et toi: lol
[04:57] miste: you know i would!
[04:58] miste: hey! you fucker.
[04:58] et toi: love you. love anyone who'd do that. hate them, too.
[04:58] *** You have disconnected. Sun Jan 26 04:58:58 2003.
Session Close (miste): Sun Jan 26 04:59:02 2003

I didn't lie, you know.
it's like being asked if it's that time of the month.
it's everyone always worried you're going to kill yourself.

can't stress enough that i'm not going to kill myself
i'm not going to kill myself
i'm not going to fucking kill myself

I apologise to everyone I was cruel to today.
but i'm not sorry. :)

he'd approve of that. sure he would. he'd approve of me. he'd fucking love me. he'd marry me & have my babies.