NOTICE I NEVER ONCE APOLOGISED?

like "we'll see" always means "yes."

note: this entry sucks. please skip it. & don't just read it 'cause I said to skip it, 'cause it really does suck.

I seem to be memorable. people i'm sure i've never seen before come up to me saying "hi, you're in my so-&-so class, right? Jessica, isn't it?" Tutors taking the roll call out everyone's name but mine. "what about me?" I ask.
"oh, I got you, Jessica."

my sociology tutor is a funny man (a general, whatever that is. how awful it must be to be called "general." hi there, general! wassup?) going bald much too young, and since I am apparently the only student he knows by name, is constantly calling on me in tutorials to give my opinion on whatever current social issue we're supposed to be discussing at the time.

the last one was the workforce. would society function without a labour division?
"yes," every one collectively said practically on cue. "sure it would. why not?"
"Jessica?" he said, "I know I seem to be picking on you, but you always seem to have an opinion."
ONLY 'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS ASK ME. I CAN'T EXACTLY SAY NOTHING BECAUSE YOU'LL REMEMBER ME NO MATTER WHAT I SAY & IF I SAY NOTHING YOU'LL REMEMBER THAT & FAIL ME. "it's a stupid question," I said.
he barked a mixture of a laugh and an incredulous "huh?!"
I recalled the time the topic was education, and he asked why females consistently do better in primary and secondary schooling than males & I answered "because girls are smarter." he uttered the same discordant then (YES, I KNOW IT'S AN ADJECTIVE), before insisting I elaborate, at which I think I shrugged & looked away, disgusted with myself and him.
so this time: "you couldn't have no labour division. one sort of person is good at and likes one type of job, another type of person likes another. upper class people are groomed for certain jobs, lower class people with less education take what they can get. it wouldn't work any other way. even if you tried to eradicate it, it would naturally creep on back because it's just the way we are. thus, the question is stupid."

I actually said that. do you think I would say anything even remotely like that outside of a sociology tutorial? I can't bear the terms class or division. I don't believe in them & it's because of them I don't believe in or WANT society at all.
nothing depresses me as much as sociology. I have an essay due in a few weeks & the topic is "does race determine intelligence?" OH. MY. GOD. oh my god.

and it is expressly preferred that we do NOT bring up the war. I can just imagine. I don't care what is going on because it does not affect me. saddam hussein is an evil man. war is necessary. weapons of mass destruction. THAT IS ALL CHANNEL 10 HAS TOLD ME SO THAT IS ALL THERE IS.

so i'm still disgusted with myself. and miserable. and lonely. i'm sure they're all related.
can't believe I admitted any of them"

just thinking of all the lonely people is enough. you have to remember that everyone wants more .."

every time you think of me my mind becomes a drum
& my heart becomes a thing & I become

you're far too easy on yourself

lick it up calmly, like milk, it doesn't affect me. that a child's eyes are empty
lol. & i'm surrounded by ordinary angels.

i'm alive now don't waste my time

3 years ago you could cut & cut & cut yourself
but now i'll whirlwind you away from sharp things with understanding smiles
bah
blah
how do you afford it?

biting my fingers the whole time !! well! flesh seems made to be bitten off & in my throat!
tick tock. i'm waiting.

the way i've been feeling has nothing to do with the grumpy bear staring at me.

...
i'm perfectly designed.
WHAT ARE WORDS FOR?

shaved my head the other day. mostly.

:) X 83
but I only have so many smiles in my lifetime so i'd betternotusethemup.

i'd look at the calendar & see "psych exam" written on it & think: it's okay, got a whole week to study yet.
then, a day before the exam, I thought: it's okay, got all of tomorrow morning to study.
so I woke up at 8am this morning & started studying, absorbed a horrendously huge amount of information in four hours, & now the exam is over.
I feel like I should be more relieved. & do you know what else? I have a 5 day weekend. 5 days, baby.
although I do have 3 papers due within the next 2or3 weeks, & haven't started any of them, but it's okay, 'cause I have 2or3 weeks to start yet.

people-said things today, minus the haircut related ones:

library boy: hey, do you know where the psychology journals are?
me: no.
library boy: oh. I saw you over there and so thought you must be after them.
me: no. I was after Other journals.
library boy: oh.

library lady: excuse me, but can you stop doing that? the flash is probably disturbing people.
me: can I take your picture?
library lady: no. no more pictures, okay?
me: okay.
(I was bored. obviously.)

refectory girl, to counter boy: can I get a sausage roll?
counter boy, to refectory girl: yeah, but next time get it yourself. they're self serve.
refectory girl, to me, next in line: oh, does that open up at the front?
me: yes.
refectory girl, embarrassed: you can tell I come here often, huh?
me: polite chuckles.

denise, in psychology tutorial: how many points did you put?
me: 5.
denise: really? wow. I think only, like, two people put 5.
me: yeah. I figured everyone else would get greedy.
denise: laughs.
(regarding a social dilemma ballot. if 4 or less people put 15 points and everyone else puts 5 points, everyone gets their chosen points. if more than 4 people put 15 points, no one gets any points. no one got any points.)

computer lab girl: hi, is anyone using this? (the computer next to the one I was on.)
me: no, I don't think so.

bus stop boy: looking forward to the weekend?
me: it starts now, so I don't have to.
bus stop boy: oh, yeah, if you're waiting for the bus I guess that's true.
me: I just had an exam..
bus stop boy interrupts me: uh, yeah. I think I was there.
me: oh. you take psychology?
bus stop boy: yes, and, um, i'm in your tutorial. I even know your name.
me: oh. sorry. I never remember anyone.
*brief silence*
bus stop boy: are you waiting for the city bus?
me: no. but it went already.
bus stop boy: oh, shit!
me: laughs.

I think the above constitutes everything i've said aloud to-day.
heavenly creatures is a darling movie.

it really wasn't supposed to be attacking her at all.. but embracing! that's what dozens of arms are for!
if I start to go mad.. I hope someone will tell me.

1. supercilious. far away from you. for a reason.
2. indifferent. any one will only knock at my door so many times before giving up & going a way to knock on some one else's.
3. purposely distracted. novels, movies, restaurants, vodka, reruns, study, sleep, a million kinds of pills.

won't taunt people with each other.
[will not cry in public//less chance of illness]

instead of writing my essay I drank a bottle of vodka & woke up to this in my notepad, minus about 99% because geez, the stuff you write when drunk:
first thoughts
trying to think of names
florence, venice, rome
I would go to Alexandria of all places if I had to choose right now
but I haven't been to enough to choose where i'd retire

about ten years/days ago i'd been crying. I can't remember why. but I was all alone, and cats don't know when you're sad even if stuffed spiders do, because stuffed spiders can't move or speak but they can blink once in a black & blue moon, just to let you know that if you happen to cry one day they'll know, and you're free to smother & drown them. when he knocked at the door everything that'd been on his face a second ago fell off it and the first thing he said was "are you okay?" but he didn't ask what was wrong, even when I didn't answer, he just kissed my face a million times, & all that was in my head was "sorry." ten minutes later, travelling behind two beams of light slower than they were every time i'd go to speak all that'd come out was a breath, & then a whole heap of them at once so I couldn't breathe at all

by the way. i'm sick of shampoo. want real poo.
[the universe is shaped exactly like the earth]

& it rather pisses me off when stupid australians & americans say "i'm never going to have a baby, 'cause the world's overpopulated anyway," & then use starving ethiopians as an example. but you stupid twits don't know what you're talking about, 'cause your population is declining. DECLINING. not having a baby isn't going to mean some starving ethiopian baby is going to get your nonexistent baby's share of overly artificially sweetened & gruesomely coloured cereal. so unless you're going to adopt a starving ethiopian baby, shut up.
if I was sober i'm sure i'd have a worthwhile argument. or no argument at all. I don't recall ever having arguments while sober.

this is an afterthought: