Everything I've seen & heard over the last week playing over at the same time, drowning themselves out, in my head. Everything everyone has said to me, every time someone has touched me, police sirens, dial tones, news bulletins, cutlery scraping on plates, traffic jams, the mindlessly smiled greetings of sales people.
"So, will you be calling me every day?"
"Oh, no. I don't use the phone."
I miss her. Miss him. Miss a lot of people who have no names except in my head. My head. My head is stuck simultaneously in every moment I have ever lived, a tiny particle every now and then devoted to the present.
Today.
I put on red eyeshadow and curled my hair. I wrote a three hundred word conclusion for my essay, then ran to his office to hand it in a mere three weeks late. His door was open, I knocked and peeked in. He turned around from his computer at the back of the office.
"Jessica! Hi!"
"Hi..."
"Your essay! Oh, Great!"
I handed it over. "Sorry I made you.." (chase it down, I would have finished)
"Nonsense! This is great!" Flicking through it, "you'd done so well on the exam, when I couldn't find an essay from you, I thought I must've lost it!"
"No, I just sort of... didn't do it."
"I'll mark it the first chance I get!"
"Thanks a lot." I really was grateful. He'd emailed me, and when I spurned that, called me. Not many professors would have done the same.
"Seeyah."
I ran back down the stairs and to the bus station. Last night I'd seen a commercial for a shop-fitting shop, 112 Scott street. That's where I was going. First I went to Karma House and spontaneously bought a larger than average brass Buddha to add to my collection. It's a good one. Then I went to Sanity and bought two relatively new albums which I don't care to mention. Then I went to the shop-fitting shop.
Oh, the mannequins. Dozens of them. The second hand ones were amazing. I bought a larger-than-life-sized incomplete one with half a head, and a stray hand, for $45. I plan to go back there many, many times.
She wasn't heavy. She sat next to me on the bus. If you're ever lonely, take a naked mannequin on the bus. Everyone will talk to you.I got home and decided to clean my room before finding a place for her. In a corner, stacked inside an absurd CD stand, are piles and piles of notebooks and loose paper filled with scribbles. I started reading some of them.
every action has an
equal and opposite
reaction.. therefore
no action is independant.
in infinite motion is
perfection.
it is in the act of
evolution;
not in what we are
evolving towards.
There is a world where all the people see black first, and at the same time multi-coloured swirls in the air. All the people have squids perched atop their heads dictating their emotions and general mood. All the people have two or three, sometimes four, beings high up in the sky, past the sky, travelling the same roads as their people only much higher up, hovering and watching, recording and guarding. All the people are detached from each other, dislike each other, love each other, completely misunderstand each other. All the people believe what they believe unquestionably, and what they believe is most definitely real. All the people are exactly the same, just see each other differently.She has a man on her chin Stop trying not to laugh! Write everything before the passion cools Go over it once it has. Lava of emotion! Paper is a poor medium for the communication of feeling. Trying to articulate eats AWAY at emotions. LANGUAGE IS SULFURIC ACID. Poetry is merely a reflection. A poet doesn't really live, at all. Most of what we learn is just stuff we make up. Nature is a deathless spirit! It has a language and it speaks to us, teaches us. Obvious: We just don't listen! Poetry should come as naturally as leaves on a tree.. or not at all! *come see the albino lady w/ 6 knees!!!*"There is the sort of person who has problems and never tells them to anyone and thus no-one ever knows them, there is the sort of person who has problems and tells them to one understanding person, and there is the sort of person who fools everyone, even herself, into thinking there are no problems except those shallow material ones which can be overcome."
My mind, every now and then, is being accosted by vivid, unfamiliar words If your language is limited, your world is limited to your language marriage only for damage stark naked - no competence for life something missing (emotions, etc) summoned, but can't be sent back starving the unconscious mind, rather than dealing with it afraid thoughts will come out and dominate human relationships reduced to functions What I say Vs what I mean! terMinally unHappy don't pay me compliments the bad stuff is easier to believeI am alone all the time.
I desperately need some sort of filter over my eyes.
Ever sit in front of a mirror for hours on end, and study whatever tiny details are there until they are so grossly exaggerated that the mirror just explodes, bursting outwards, embedding it's million points deeply into your face like it wants to be a part of you?
the sea destroys but doesn't realise it it kills but it is innocent I don't believe in ugliness Please don't believe you are ugly you're not, you're not, you're not.Hallie didn't believe in angels. Angels were similar to people in that they didn't always see themselves for what they really were.
umbilical asphyxia
Witch.
The gem of the bunch! A hugely thick exercise book, covered in graffitti, my name written on it a hundred times in a hundred different styles with a hundred different pens. Swirls, stars, flowers and dozens of meaningless patterns. My Year 12 binder.
Self Image: What others perceive you to be Self Concept: What you perceive yourself to be Self ______: What you are!What does he WANT?
He wants to be looked after, cared for, because he never has been.
He also wants to look after and care for all those others who never have been...
to be the Catcher in the Rye ;)
He wants freedom (money, power) but likes to think he doesn't ... want these things.
Evades the truth to protect himself.
Self proclaimed liar, but lies about being a liar. (Why does that sound familiar?)
Feels like he's being restrained by society. Doesn't want to expose himself to it.
Suffers from his own immaturity and his inability to find his place in society...
It might be a good thing, then, to have something up my sleeve. But that's nonsense, that time'll never (illegible)
We're just spinning brains in bodies.
Putty killed two of my rats yesterday, and their ghosts are haunting me, nibbling on my toes, screaming "Jessica, you evil wretch! You put us in a glass trap and left us to die!"
Did I tell you Chubbs had a kitten 11 weeks ago on Sarah's birthday? If I forgot to --> Chubbs had a kitten 11 weeks ago on Sarah's birthday. His name was Wilde. WAS. He DIED a week ago. I came home from school and found him with a squashed head in the neighbour's driveway.
- driving a sleigh of demon goats to hell and back just for fun - in conference with the devil - jousting with jesus - cavorting in poison ivy with the banshees in bramble bra & panties - pulling buckets from the dunny - slowly and methodically plucking hairs from my chest - vibrating spiders will receive the word - arguing between myselves - goddess of dirt, lust and sexual sin - communicating with phytoplankton - arteries are blood vessels that carry blood away from the heart - LACK OF LOGICAL STRUCTURE
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the angel is still speaking, quacking, and the others quiet, it never went away, neither did they: my love, dear, oh i feel you tremble, listen, i'm in your ear, you can't not, my dear, i love, am love, in love, evolving, listen, listen, i'm still here, take me, take my advice, dear, the others aren't here, don't care, don't fear, love, i hear your song, swan, i can't help but know you, you can die, have my blessing, my one, i feel you, am you, don't be sad anymore, don't be (listen, listen, whisper don't you feel it, see it, smell it, hate it fear it, fear it, fear it, fear it) |
(oh you stupid, stupid, all it takes is time)
i don't want it to take, to fade, to forget
me. love, my love.