Huge tacky plastic fake gemstones, all different colours. I don't usually look back, it's pointless. What's happened, going over it, regretting.. There's so much someone could be thinking of, why waste that time on something gone. Something unchangeable. It's like worrying, spending so much energy on your fears, subconsciously manifesting them only because it's the last thing you want to do. I refuse to. Or I tell myself I refuse to. I spend the majority of my thinking worrying about something or other, I pretend it isn't worrying, just speculation. Why would anyone want to use the word 'if'? It's a hundred times worse than 'should;' should ends up being productive, even if it is for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it is the best thing, obligation, duty. If there was no should, maybe everyone would be Satanists. People would end up destroying each other, they'd never have made it this far.

Shall, should, I shall..  I shall use 'I shall' more often, just because not many people do.

I did the worst thing I could have possibly done, made the most negative and selfish choice; ran away, and avoided.. I remember once saying I thought myself a passive coward. Running away, once you do it it's hard to not; once you start, it's impossible to stop. So I've heard. I suppose it is possible, though I don't feel it is for me. I thought today of disappearing, not coming back at all. If I were to do that I'd be leaving so many problems behind, it'd be so easy. I know if I wasn't me and I met me, I would intensely dislike who I was. Who I am. I disgust myself sometimes, the way I handle things; what I'm doing.

Now I know why it's easier to use the dots..    rather than sentences..  I don't think in sentences...    I can write my thoughts out..  and then go back..    fix it.. . ... .. punctuation..      ..I'm so awfully tired..

If I loved ANYone.. lol, implying I don't. That's what I'm afraid of, that I truly don't. I like people, care about them; is that what it is? I feel like there's no one I could not live without. No one I feel I'd want to die if they left me. It's not really about death, I feel I'd cry for someone's death, but it would be the same whether they were someone who had been close to me or someone I'd never..

A life gone, a world ended. That doesn't mean that if someone close to me died I wouldn't be upset about it, I would! but whether it was a family member, a neighbour, my dog, the old guy who works at the bakery.. sigh. If I spent enough time with someone, one person, a lifetime! Wouldn't I automatically grow to love them..? I want to try it..

Being loved helps people to love...        then    why    don't    I                      ....            lol            sike. I'm going to go brush my teeth!


You said for a person to be complete, they'd need another person; a unification. If they never find one, that one they can mesh with, and they stay alone they'll never be fulfilled; will never reach their full potential. It's like the idea of soulmates, two born of the one soul mind, never complete without the other. I'd rather not believe it had to be so, I can choose not to believe in it  ..makes me feel that much more alone.  What happens when someone dies before they find someone, how can you die without ever having acheived the purpose. There will have been no point, that can't be allowed! I wonder how many people have ended just because they wanted so much to see what happened, but it's not like it wouldn't happen if you didn't make it happen. I can wait, something to look forward to. :)  I've never tried, never attempted. I came close once, but I'd had a friend then. I think I've only ever had one, in real life, a real one. As long as I felt someone cared about me I'd never leave.

If you no longer existed it wouldn't matter to you that you were hated, you wouldn't be there to know it. To them though, whoever it is doing the hating, it'd just rebound; backfire on them. Then if you were to meet them again, would you want to?! To actually face them, know you had caused them such pain, to try and amend. I don't think crying has much to do with love, but if you love someone of course you'd cry. Not crying doesn't mean you don't love them though, it's a matter of letting yourself, or whether it's necessary for you to actually cry. Crying is overrated, I'm never going to again.

back