you wouldn’t believe it, but today I felt happy most of the day. took photos, wrote emails and even livejournaled for the first time in 325896325 months. walked home and felt a gorgeous world, it’s atmosphere like arms wrapping me up, rather than hearing only traffic and the dull thud of my feet; seeing only rough ashphalt, dog crap and cigarette butts; obstructing annoyed, rushing strangers and annoyed, rushing cars and their screaming tires and angry horns and teeth; etc.
I feel so strange here. can’t concentrate on anything. can’t think of words. umumumumummm..
well. today had $600 of dental work done. hurrah. involving two needles which in-duced blindness. blindness is the prelude to fainting .. unless I announce my intention to faint. then it just passes and i’m left feeling histrionically hypochondriacal.
well mumm had had to have her dead tooth pulled and replaced. she asked me to go with her .. then while there, said, oh, as if she’d just thought of it, we might as well make a check-up appointment for you. that sneaky lady.
then, still numb, and oh! there really is no taste with a dentist-numbed tongue.
Buddha went into prolonged explosive fits after being introduced to Felon, as I suppose he’d thought himself the only cat in the world. but now they are friends.
Felon attacks his tail, which makes him wag it more, which makes her attack it more. he tolerates her like she’s his grandkitten.
I just finished The Annunciation of Francesca Dunn. I .. uh,
i’m absolutely exhausted. I actually fell asleep in my stats lab. I woke up to the tutor standing over me ferociously clearing his throat while everyone giggled. but it’s okay ’cause someone said I was cute.
- I bought a fan.
- I stared non-stop all the way bus-home at the most gorgeous girl i’ve ever seen. if I hadn’t been lugging a fan around with me I would’ve disembarked when she did to stalk her.
- on the same bus-ride a ferally boy sat next to me and began a conversation. he talked to me for about 5 minutes, prompted by a blank smile every now and then, before he realised I had earphones in and couldn’t hear a word he was saying. he exploded into laughter. really exploded.
- I made a big sign saying “VAGINA,” ’cause the word should be used more often, ideally at least once in every sentence.
- I realised that if Felon hasn’t learnt by now, after dozens of near-brain-damages, that she can’t jump through the glass tabletop, she probably never will.
- for some reason exactly 16 people have added me on ICQ and/or sent me “let’s chat!” messages. I haven’t done anything to deserve this.
- best of all: I bet with the interpersonal group for 1.5 hours to organise our final roleplay for this Thursday. one situation (my favourite) involves a couple deciding whether or not to move in together – one wants to get married first. we decided s/he wanted to get married first because she’s religious, so the couple will be going to talk with a priest. Carter turned to me and said, “and you can be the priest!” aw, yay! how’d he know I would’ve died to be the priest? I bet even my mother wouldn’t’ve picked that. i’m going to write and ask her.
I remember a lot of random crap whilst trying to sleep. since the sleep part hasn’t been working, I thought i’d share one of these long forgotten memories, since it’s a really quite surprising one. it came out of nowhere tonight; i’d forgotten all about it. probably blocked it, since it involves my schizophrenic ex-husband. it was actually the first sign I noticed that he was slowly going insane.
well, it took place in South Dakota, right after he’d been smashed to a quivering pulp and right before we relocated to Minnesota. a friend of ours came over, a ragamuffin safety-pin’d punk named Jeremy, and he brought a friend of his; I can’t remember his name as this was the first and last time I ever met him. it was early morning and everyone was drunk and/or high. we’d burned a pizza to a shrivelled black piece of cardboard which x still ate. we also, at some point, walked down to the McDonald’s and through the drivethrough, since the restaurant itself was closed.
so. x was in one corner talking with Jeremy and I was in another, humouring the new boy. suddenly x jumped up, enraged, dragged newboy away from me and started waling on him while shouting over&over something I can’t really remember. I know it was that he thought newboy was hitting on me, though. anyway newboy was terrified and cowering, flailing his arms about in an attempt to defend himself, obviously had no idea what was going on. I jumped up and grabbed x’s arm, telling him to stop, and newboy took this opportunity to scramble towards the door. x shoved me aside and took off after him, catching him just at the door and punching him several times in the head. I felt simply awful for poor newboy and absolutely baffled, nothing like this had ever happened before. anyway I leapt forward and again grabbed x, and again newboy got away.. promptly sprinting down the hall. x turned around, and, quite shockingly, violently kicked me, in the stomach, away from him.
Jeremy, during all this, had been sitting in the same corner, simply watching. at this, he shouted “whoa, man,” jumped up and ran over. I was sitting where i’d fallen, x had run out after newboy. Jeremy went to help me up but I shook my head; he asked if I was okay, then took off after x. I stayed where I was and actually fell asleep there. when x and Jeremy came back, I learned that x had caught up with newboy and resumed beating him. when Jeremy arrived, newboy cried out to him for help. I can’t remember what happened, but i’ve the feeling Jeremy had helped x, instead.
an hour or two later two police officers arrived. I was very amused to realise one of them was the cop who’d questioned me the night x was beaten. he questioned me again, I remember telling him what had happened. he asked me about the baton, to which my exact reply was, “I hadn’t realised there was one involved.” I think it amazing I remember that so clearly. anyway they took newboy’s backpack and left.
they returned the next day, saying newboy was missing some things from his backpack, and could they search the apartment. we had pot hidden under the mattress! so, so they wouldn’t look under it, I sat on it and hoped they wouldn’t ask me to move. they didn’t. they did, however, find a bag of seeds we’d forgotten all about, and a syringe. x denied knowledge of both of these, and in fact implicated newboy. he didn’t just say newboy brought and forgot these items, though. he actually accused newboy of planting them in an attempt to frame us. what stupidity. I wonder at what point newboy was supposed to have done this; when we were all amicably chatting or when he was fighting to defend his life?
in any case, they just confiscated them and let us off. they found newboy’s missing mini-baseball bat, which x had stolen from the backpack between returning from bashing newboy and the police coming up the first time. they didn’t, however, find a flowered porcelain jewelrybox which newboy had also claimed missing, which x had not stolen and no one remembered ever seeing at all.
a couple days later we left. the whole incident hadn’t really upset me, although I remember thinking it rather odd that x spent the next day or so mad at me, for hindering him, and that he thought his actions, down to booting me in the gut across the room, completely rational.
i’m planning on staying up all night even though I have uni in the morning. well, because I have uni in the morning. that way I won’t be tempted to go to sleep when the sun comes up.
WOW, HAS TODAY EVER BEEN A whirlwindy rollercoaster of an event. I just got home from a midnight walk which started out manic and ended up in tears dragging myself on my hot-coal’d belly in the freezing, pouring rain with disgusted villagers pelting me with rotten fruit and boulders and lightning striking me every seven seconds while being bitten by poisonous snakespiders, rabid bats and zombie dobermans. here’s what I notebook-wrote, half whilst walking (barely legible):
I am passionately in love with my midnight-streetlight shadow.
she is the most gorgeous of semi-opaque greynesses,
a shifty, lengthening wraith-muse, perfect in every featureless contour.
nothing but a wafting mass of gorgon hair, shoulders exaggerated weapon-like, ever elongating elegant limbs of sinuous grace
and my big, fat bag, which may as well be an amorphous tumour attached to my side; my semi-absorbed womb sister.
at silhouette everyone is their best.
silent, transparent, completely disconnected. but forever earthbound in the most extreme, chained – probably resentful, seething with forever inexpressible…
inevitably, when walking home late at night, I stop at the 24hour cafe on Old Cleveland. usually the night is just too lovelie, absolutely joyous and i’ve no desire to arrive home to the TV, computer, refrigerator and anything else that hums in a deceptively friendly way. a home filled with appliances is a reminder that life is real, whereas the walk home, even though it involves actually being out in the world, is more a dream that feels it will forever be lazily promenading along with no end destination/future. it’s inarguably full of romance and inspiration, despite the efforts of the weary commuters rushing by, one per shiny little metal boxonwheels, eager! for their own TVs and microwaved meal-for-ones.
so i’m sitting in dimly-lit atmosphere with my cappuccino (bad! even with the benefit of 20sweetners), personal music for my-ears-only and ratty notebook, looking around at my fellow patrons similarly, inexplicably, treating their insomnia with caffeine–
what sort of person cafes at 1am? I have a very distinct schema of such a person… bearing a remarkable resemblance (those two words just fit so well together) to myself. and while there is quite a crowd here, eight people, besides me (and besides the two police officers, who fit 24hour establishments so perfectly they barely exist), every one of them blatantly violates this schema.
where, where! are the people I could possibly relate to in this world? where is anyone similar in any way to myself at this moment? now is the moment. right now! that popular fiction, obscure literature and b-grade bollywood productions have forever led me to believe that my most perfected, destined friend is to gravitate towards me after two simultaneous lifetimes of aloneness and probably dozens of near-misses.
i’m not lonely. I just feel so separate, indistinct. I need something to tell me that i’m not not supposed to be here – an aberration who looks at the world like it’s a foreign object. a foreign object to life.
well it doesn’t matter. the girl behind the counter informed me this place is closing down.
Thursdays I usually enjoy – it’s the day I meet with my interpersonal group, and I just love them.
Emma: quite overweight with the expected accompanying personality – self-conscious, esteemless, great sense of humour most often used to put herself down. very friendly to absolutely everyone.
Kate: mousy, about that size, with a personality so much bigger it overflows wherever she goes. has an anecdote for everything, talks about herself, her friends, her partner, constantly. confident and rather blunt.
Shun: International student from Tokyo. doesn’t speak unless directly asked a question, but i’ve seen his humour.
Carter: the awkward boy whom I definitely, genuinely like. surprises me every now and then, such as by making little comments I don’t understand. is opinionated, left-of-centre. has mentioned in some way, every time i’ve seen him, how little money he has.
today’s meeting was on interaction management, including emotions. everyone had told of some previous interaction in which they experienced a strong emotive reaction, and when it came to my turn I still hadn’t thought of one, so I demurred. Carter’s response: “well, we’ve all noticed you experience no emotion.”
if I experienced emotion I would’ve felt like bursting into tears at that moment.
OMG I SO SHOULD’VE CALLED FELON “RATBAG”
essay: all i’ve got to go is the introduction (undoubtedly the worst part) and the abstract. it wasn’t that difficult after finding an appropriate theory. I like it. even though she’ll only give me a credit ’cause she sucks. I always feel so great when i’ve finished an essay like it’s a work of blazing brilliance and then I only get a CREDIT.
shhhhhhhhhhh. it only happened once.
i’ll post it tomorrow. after 5pm. ’cause I know people from uni read this and they’ll steal my blazingly brilliant ideas.
i’m having funn on the course discussion forums: the night before an assignment’s due everyone posts madly asking for help. i’ve been making fun of them and pretending I finished mine first week of semester or something.
have you noticed a marked change in my personality over the past two weeks? yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn.
OH YEAH! I met my grandparents out southbank today and while getting them drinks at the ice creamery (the completely unfamiliar boy who served me was apparently in my personality course and tried unsuccessfully to make conversation while mixing my milkshakes) I turned around with my arms full of cups and bottles and wallets and two adorable Japanese girls stopped me and flailed their camera about with quarter-moon grins, so they each got a picture with me. haha Wayne said it’s ’cause i’m magnificent. MAGNIFICENT.
*slightly mad from overload*
OH I AM SO LOVE mmm mmm mmmyeah ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I probably repeat myself every other day or something everything I say. what?
ok, so. I don’t usually go to my one class on Tuesdays because it’s the only class I have that day and it only goes for an hour and it’s only a first year subject so I don’t see any point going all the way to uni for a 1hour first year subject when they put the lecture notes online anyway. yaknow? but except they didn’t put them up last week and so I thought i’d better go this week, ’cause they usually put them up the day before the lecture only they didn’t last week ’cause they didn’t put them up at all, and by this morning the notes for this week weren’t up either so I thought that was a bad sign so i’d probably better go this week. today. oh and I had to go to the bank to pay rent so I thought i’d do that on the way ’cause otherwise I wouldn’t’ve ’cause I always forget to pay rent if i’m not going out for some other reason that day. so I walked to the bank and thought i’d catch the bus from there. it takes about 45 minutes to catch the two buses to uni and walk up the hill so I left 15 minutes early. HEAPS OF TIME TO GO TO THE BANK, RIGHT? NO! I stood in LINE for 4360269586 minutes AND I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE LINE. I watched around 50 buses go past in the meantime. and if you think i’m exaggerating
when I finally got out the bank I saw that the next buss wasn’t due for 15 minutes so I thought i’d walk to the second bus-stop. only half way there I realised it’d been 15 minutes so I waited at an in-between bus-stop. only the bus was 15 minutes late. second big mistake! ee. so while I was waiting 15 minutes I thought maybe the universe was trying to tell me not to go to uni today, but that dismissed that notion as common schizophrenia. STUPID ME. ’cause I got to uni 15 minutes late, raced up the hill and flung open the doors to the lecture theatre…
WHICH WAS EMPTY.
so if you ever think the universe is trying to tell you something, IT CERTAINLY IS.
I checked my course outline and there it was, week 7, no lecture. because the exam is Thursday. ugh. UGHX456890623506235975624503
so I went & bought a my little pony. I counted them and that makes 22, not including the ones in Cairns.. or the miniature ones, beanie ones, giant plush ones, the one filled with bubblebath, the toothbrush, the crockery, the lockable diary, the stamp set, the stationary, the colouring books, the digital watch, etc etc.
so. I know i’ve vowed to stop before, but that didn’t work, so a revision: I hereby vow to only buy them if both their colour and pose is different to any I have. which today’s was, so it’s okay.
unless it’s a baby, unicorn or pegusus. I WISH THEY’D HAVE UNICORNS AND PEGUSI AGAIN.
oh, and I bought one on ebay a few days ago that hasn’t arrived yet. so it’s 23.
I also bought a pair of socks with unicorn toes (hey, unicorn twice!), and a hello kitty brushing her teeth for Nia’s birthday but I love it so I think i’ll have to keep it and find her something else.