i’m planning on staying up all night even though I have uni in the morning. well, because I have uni in the morning. that way I won’t be tempted to go to sleep when the sun comes up.
WOW, HAS TODAY EVER BEEN A whirlwindy rollercoaster of an event. I just got home from a midnight walk which started out manic and ended up in tears dragging myself on my hot-coal’d belly in the freezing, pouring rain with disgusted villagers pelting me with rotten fruit and boulders and lightning striking me every seven seconds while being bitten by poisonous snakespiders, rabid bats and zombie dobermans. here’s what I notebook-wrote, half whilst walking (barely legible):
I am passionately in love with my midnight-streetlight shadow.
she is the most gorgeous of semi-opaque greynesses,
a shifty, lengthening wraith-muse, perfect in every featureless contour.
nothing but a wafting mass of gorgon hair, shoulders exaggerated weapon-like, ever elongating elegant limbs of sinuous grace
and my big, fat bag, which may as well be an amorphous tumour attached to my side; my semi-absorbed womb sister.
at silhouette everyone is their best.
silent, transparent, completely disconnected. but forever earthbound in the most extreme, chained – probably resentful, seething with forever inexpressible…
inevitably, when walking home late at night, I stop at the 24hour cafe on Old Cleveland. usually the night is just too lovelie, absolutely joyous and i’ve no desire to arrive home to the TV, computer, refrigerator and anything else that hums in a deceptively friendly way. a home filled with appliances is a reminder that life is real, whereas the walk home, even though it involves actually being out in the world, is more a dream that feels it will forever be lazily promenading along with no end destination/future. it’s inarguably full of romance and inspiration, despite the efforts of the weary commuters rushing by, one per shiny little metal boxonwheels, eager! for their own TVs and microwaved meal-for-ones.
so i’m sitting in dimly-lit atmosphere with my cappuccino (bad! even with the benefit of 20sweetners), personal music for my-ears-only and ratty notebook, looking around at my fellow patrons similarly, inexplicably, treating their insomnia with caffeine–
what sort of person cafes at 1am? I have a very distinct schema of such a person… bearing a remarkable resemblance (those two words just fit so well together) to myself. and while there is quite a crowd here, eight people, besides me (and besides the two police officers, who fit 24hour establishments so perfectly they barely exist), every one of them blatantly violates this schema.
where, where! are the people I could possibly relate to in this world? where is anyone similar in any way to myself at this moment? now is the moment. right now! that popular fiction, obscure literature and b-grade bollywood productions have forever led me to believe that my most perfected, destined friend is to gravitate towards me after two simultaneous lifetimes of aloneness and probably dozens of near-misses.
i’m not lonely. I just feel so separate, indistinct. I need something to tell me that i’m not not supposed to be here – an aberration who looks at the world like it’s a foreign object. a foreign object to life.
well it doesn’t matter. the girl behind the counter informed me this place is closing down.
Thursdays I usually enjoy – it’s the day I meet with my interpersonal group, and I just love them.
Emma: quite overweight with the expected accompanying personality – self-conscious, esteemless, great sense of humour most often used to put herself down. very friendly to absolutely everyone.
Kate: mousy, about that size, with a personality so much bigger it overflows wherever she goes. has an anecdote for everything, talks about herself, her friends, her partner, constantly. confident and rather blunt.
Shun: International student from Tokyo. doesn’t speak unless directly asked a question, but i’ve seen his humour.
Carter: the awkward boy whom I definitely, genuinely like. surprises me every now and then, such as by making little comments I don’t understand. is opinionated, left-of-centre. has mentioned in some way, every time i’ve seen him, how little money he has.
today’s meeting was on interaction management, including emotions. everyone had told of some previous interaction in which they experienced a strong emotive reaction, and when it came to my turn I still hadn’t thought of one, so I demurred. Carter’s response: “well, we’ve all noticed you experience no emotion.”
if I experienced emotion I would’ve felt like bursting into tears at that moment.